May 17, 2019


I am in perpetual awe of how my life can go from one extreme to another at Mach V speed, and how I somehow manage to survive the ride.

This morning in the d-chair I apparently decided that it would be a good day for a full-blown Tony Soprano right there in front of God and everybody, followed by a Lucy for what seemed like two and a half hours.

Translation: I had a huge panic attack followed by a long wet ugly cry all over the front of my old lady big top.

They could not get the needles into my arm no matter how hard they tried, and despite me doing the calm soothing breaths, singing the Sesame Street song, and clutching my BitzyBob, it was a hot mess. Three different techs tried, four different needles were used, and I'm pretty sure we pulled one of my lungs out of my armpit because the pain was...ungodly.  All three gave up and went in search of a fourth tech...the Access Whisperer...and I was left sitting there with needles hanging out of me, a debris field of bandages and gauze, and a small crime scene of blood and fluid all over the floor.

Why this upset me so, I have no idea.

(She says sarcastically.)

I don't know if it's a full moon, that time of the month, or just an overload of stuff happening to me all at once, but I went into one of the very worst panic attacks I've had in recent memory. This one harkened back to the Great Meltdown of 1999 in which I tried to crawl out of a moving car in the middle of a brushless car wash. If it wouldn't have been so scary, I probably would have clutched my chest a' la Fred Sanford and started hollering "I'm coming for you, Stewey! Hold on! Mommie's almost there!"

(If you don't get that reference, look up 1970's TeeVee sitcoms...specifically Sanford and Son.)

Soon enough, the Whisperer was there telling me to go to my happy place again, and she went to town. Two jabs later and I was hooked up, and she patted my hand, told me to put my big girl panties back on, and she moved on to her next patient/victim.

That in itself would have been enough for the day, but something about it caused the waterworks to start, and then the hiccup/cries, and then a good old fashioned bawl session that had an entire life of its own. I desperately tried to hide my face a bit and pretend like I was meditating, but the copius tears, red blotchy face, and heaving bosom gave me away.

So did the river of snot that I kept trying to quell with the back of my hand.

(Note to self: Learn to carry a gd handkerchief or box of tissues.)

In the midst of all of this, the lady-part doctor called to report bad biopsy results, the nurse practitioner tried to discuss labwork from Monday, and the techs had a shift change.

By the time Lorie came on board, the entire team was ready to unplug me and call it a day, but she took one look at me and told them to "Just give a heifer a minute" and I got over it.

I made it all the way through treatment and somehow managed to get home and into my sweats, and then it was time to open the mail.

Inside was the very most perfect gift from a very most perfect stitchy friend...a gorgeous little pin pillow that says "No place like home" and a Starbucks gift card. As I told the sender in my note to her...home really is the perfect place, and the only good reason to leave it is Starbucks!

(Does she understand me, or what?)

So what was a horrible no good lousy terrible drastically bad day turned itself right around in a split second because somebody out there was kind enough and generous enough to think of me and remind me that I am the very most blessed spinster on the planet.

I'm going to go have a good long sleep now and then a nice piece of pizza and then enjoy some stitchy time in the Happy Chair. Thank you for indulging me, Dearies. I hope you know that your presence in the world makes mine all better! Happy Weekend to you and yours! Time to do something fun and come tell me all about it!


  1. Oh honey . . . sometimes it all just "bunches up on a body," doesn't it? So sorry! LOVE the new saying I learned . . . "Just give a heifer a minute". Going to try to remember that for my "self soothing" when I'm beating myself up for one thing or another. LOVE your honesty and sharing. We all have tough battles ahead of us (at least it better be ALL of us, heh, heh) and you have NO CONCEPT how many people you encourage and help!!! Hugs and kisses from Marcia.

  2. God bless you, Coni. You are so much braver than you give yourself credit. I hope your weekend is filled with happy, stitchy hours...yummy foods and caring friends.

  3. What an awful day Coni, followed by a wonderful surprise! Here’s hoping you get more happy surprises.

  4. Poor you Coni, a terrible day for you but the love of your blog community got you over the line at the end of the day. Robyn Sydney AUST

  5. Hang in there my friend! We all have your back.

  6. Ditto to hron's comment above. Thank you for sharing and I'm so pleased that something lovely happened later in the day after what you'd been through at the hospital.

    Sydney, Australia

  7. Oh my goodness - what an awful day! I'm always impressed with your positive attitude and your bravery facing all this. So sorry you had to go through all that, but how great it ended with a wonderful surprise from a friend!I love the pin pillow, and Starbucks is one of my favorite places too. I hope you can rest and relax and enjoy some stitching time this evening and this weekend. Take care.

  8. Coni, you are a very strong woman and you are going thru very huge things right now. I can't think of anyone who would have handled it differently and I know I would not have handled it as well as you! Stay strong and know we are here for you, backing you all the way!

  9. Continued prayers. In spite of your day, your strength amazes me.

  10. What a lovely and thoughtful gift to lift your spirits after your ordeal. Take care sweetie.

  11. Hoping that you have a better week-end. Admiration doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about you --- you are a truly amazing lady, Coni! And inspiration all the way around. We all love you and are sending hugs and prayers.

  12. Sorry your day was so hard yesterday! I think you should request the 'Access Whisperer' every chair day. Enjoy the pin pillow and the Starbucks card, Coni! Thinking of you and praying that you have a peaceful and relaxing weekend!

  13. I am so sorry your day was so hard! I think about you often and pray that you have a quiet, stitchy-filled, relaxing weekend...friends are indeed a blessing and I am so happy that your awful day ended with a beautiful surprise.

  14. Hang in there, Coni, you’re allowed a bad day once in a while. You’re always an inspiration, good day or bad day!

  15. When you mentioned Tony Soprano, I thought maybe you ate pasta then killed someone, guess I should have watched that series way back when...anyhow, I’m sorry for your rough d-chair day all around, including those poor fellow patients who witnessed it all, how upsetting for ya’ll. I know from my many years as a CCRN (retired) that they use very large needles and run your dialysis very fast, therefor it’s important to maintain a strict dialysis diet, a treat is ok but high salt/calorie foods do you no service and can make things go bad real fast. Sorry to be so honest as we’ve been friends a long time, but your team only wants the best session for you, as do your blog pals. That being said, enjoy your weekend and your mail treats, glad today looks brighter.

  16. It is no wonder you ended in a puddle, Coni dear.. what a stretch on the rack...Thank the Lord for the access whisperer
    Too bad she was not first in line initially. Your tenacity is
    stunning and you owe no one an apology...such head up courage
    The gift timing was flawless and probably eased the pain of the day. On to rest, pizza and whatever lifts you up....
    Enclosing you in continued prayer.

  17. Oh my dear! I do hope today was a better day for you. Hugs!

  18. OMG it sounds appalling. Give yourself a hug for getting home with enough energy to write your blog. Thank you.

  19. I am happy for you because you deserve all the hugs, love, and support we can muster. Sending love, hugs and prayers. Cathryn ♥♥♥