PROGRESS ON SPRING QUAKERS:
THOUGHTS ON COYOTES FROM YOU, MY BELOVED LISTENERS:
Y'all go, with your bad selves. Yes, indeedie, I am taking every precaution, and I do so appreciate the story about a woman mauled to death. Makes me want to move. To Pluto.
RECENT CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND AUNT CHRISSY:
AC: Are you sure what you heard were coyotes? The guys here in the office said that a herd of deer also make noises and grunt and bark and stuff when they're mating, so maybe you heard a herd of deer?
SS: No, they were coyotes. I know this because they said "We are coyotes and are going to maul your face off if you ever come outside in the dark time."
AC: Tee hee hee hee hee.
SPEAKING OF AUNT CHRISSY (WHAT SHE SAID ON THE DRIVE HOME FROM THE TARGETS AFTER WE BOTH HAD TO WALK AROUND THE IDIOT WOMAN WITH THE CELLPHONE STANDING IN THE GD MIDDLE OF THE AISLE):
"Next time I'm someplace and there's an idiot talking on their cell phone in the middle of things and they are completely oblivious to everyone and everything around them, I am going to walk right up and start looking around their feet. When they ask me what I'm doing, I'm going to say "I'm looking for the cooler with the kidney in it. Obviously, you are somebody very important and you have somebody's organ that is en route to be transplanted, so you're using your cell phone to make sure that you've got the directions right and to tell them that you're on your way with the kidney in the cooler." That'll get 'em to shut the eff up already."
WHY I DON'T TALK ON A CELL PHONE (ANYTIME, ANYWHERE):
Well, firstly, I am convinced that if I do, every single nun I had in elementary school will show up with a ruler and will smack me in the forehead for not being mannerly. And two, I have absolutely nobody to talk to and absolutely nothing to say.
AND BESIDES: Oprah Winfrey doesn't have a cell phone and she's Oprah Winfrey! If Oprah Winfrey doesn't have a cell phone, then I don't need to have one either.
WHAT STEWEY SAID AFTER WATCHING HIS IDOL HUGH HEFFNER (AND FIANCEE) ON THE PIERS MORGAN SHOW LAST NIGHT:
"Mo-ther, I really like Mr. Heffner and want you to know that one day I will realize my dream of turning this filthy sty into a proper Playboy Mansion, but his girlfriend is kind of an idiot."
WHAT MO-THER SAID AFTER SEEING THAT HUGH HEFFNER HAS A SON THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE A MORE SUITABLE MATCH FOR HIS FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND:
"I really like this Piers Morgan fellow."