WHY I LOVE MY AUNT CHRISSY, BY MASTER STEWEY ANGUS WILLOWSWAMP, HIS VERY LITTLE SELF

1. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

2. When I come running up to her, she laughs, pets my head, and calls me "Wiggle Butt".

3. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

4. She doesn't call the authorities whenever my mo-ther calls her on the telephone and pretends to be me in a ridiculously silly voice.

5. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

6. She has the ability to turn off her hearing whenever my mo-ther decides to be a royal PITA and pontificate about whatever it is that my mo-ther has decided to pontificate about that day.

7. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

8. She doesn't retch into a hanky whenever she comes into the filthy house and doesn't try to make my mo-ther feel guilty for keeping such a filthy house.

9. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

10. When they went to the Lowe's last night to get a shelf cut and the guy said "I can't cut that" and my mo-ther just stood there gawping like a fish, Aunt Chrissy said "Whadda you mean you can't cut it" and then glared at him until he turned on the saw and cut the board exactly the way she told him to.

11. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

12. When my mo-ther gets her feelings all in a fizzy tit about something that somebody said or did to her, Aunt Chrissy always listens patiently and then gives comfort and good advice rather than rolling her eyes and mentally calculating the distance to the nearest assisted living facility.

13. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

14. She never makes me feel bad for watering the drapes, and she never flies off into hysterics about it, but rather has a calm and patient discussion with me about why it's not appropriate for me to do such a thing and how she's going to put a clothes pin on my peenie if I don't knock it the hell off already.

15. She's smarter than my mother.

16. Despite being the favorite child between the two of them, she never makes my mo-ther feel bad for being such a colossal disappointment.

17. She's smarter than my m0-ther.

18. Last night, without any provocation whatsoever, she took my mo-ther to the Targets and got her a big ass flat screen TeeVee that I have been watching all day with rapt attention and deep and grateful thanks that my aunt knows that the only thing that keeps me semi-sane around here is my ability to disappear into "You've Got Mail" every now and then and pretend that I am a pup who owns a bookstore and finds true love at the Cafe LaLa.

19. She's smarter than my mo-ther.

I love you, Aunt Chrissy. You're the best.

With love from your little nephew,
Stewey

P.S. Sorry for peeing on your garland.