My goodness...I need a cold brew! Dearies, this whole being a normal adult human being thing is for the birds, if you ask me. I seem to have fallen into another deep well, and my days and nights are all topsy turvy again with insomnia, overwhelming profound fatigue, and absolutely no strength.
Oey.
Louie is misbehaving, and I've about had it with the Polly Sunshine voice in my head that says..."Oh, Louie. You're so funny and unpredictable, and if I give you a silly little name and pretend like I'm some kind of stupid warrior, all will be well and we can write about it on our blog and everybody will praise me for being so clever and strong", but the truth is that this is just awful and most of the time I'd rather just go curl up into the fetal position and try to teleport myself into a completely different body that actually works and hasn't been giving me agita since the age of TWENTY GD FIVE. (*)
I mean...really, Big Guy? Thyroid cancer, Crohn's, diverticulitis, kidney disease, dialysis, kidney transplant, an emergency colectomy, and now a non-reversible colostomy. And that's not even mentioning the "head" stuff that an entire team of Dr Melfies couldn't figure out!
(As usual...I exaggerate for effect.)
(But I am going to go find the Book of Job and read it, because my Aunt JoAnn used to call me out of the blue and say "Coni Jo, if you ever feel like you're going to slide into any kind of self-pity, I want you to read the Book of Job and apologize to God for not being grateful for your blessings.)
(But this is also the woman who told my mother not to cry and to "stop that vomiting" as she was giving birth to me in the throes of a horrible delivery.)
(Which just confirms the fact that I have been a completely over-dramatic pain in the ass from the get go.)
Enough of that...
I am having an actual physical stamina and energy problem, along with a crushing amount of food anxiety. It took me the better part of fifty years to finally find a way of eating that is good for me, and along comes death lettuce, and death blueberries, and death beef, and death eggs, and...
For pity's sakes, kids. Can we please stop trying to kill the Spinster and just find a way to make her days just that much easier? I would, however, like to send a big fat THANK YOU to Canada, since my team tells me that anything grown in the greenhouses there is perfectly safe, and that I might also look at roasting vegetables rather than risking salads for a minute.
(Tonight's selection will include roasted sweet potatoes, shallots, carrots, green beans, and garlic with a burnt beyond recognition chicken breast...all peeled, diced, and chewed appropriately for YOU KNOW WHO.)
So forgive me, please, for a complete lack of discipline when it comes to writing to you on this here blog. The guilt, shame, and humiliation one feels for coming off like an ungrateful, spoiled, hateful little toad has my creativity in a cage for the moment, but the caffeine addled raccoon that is my interior monologue, is trying its dambdest to get the key.
I am stitching and reading (East of Eden) and watching all the things (just started a second run through of The Morning Show), but day to day here at CS2 is incredibly quiet for now. Fortunately, my Jersey Boy is still with his mom, so he only gets the brunt of it via telephone and texts sent in all caps. He'll be home eventually, I promise.
Cheers to one and all. I hope your Summer holiday is winding down in good fashion, and that you've done all of the things. Come tell me all about it...I'm here!
(*) James Joyce has nothing on MY stream of consciousness, I tell ya! I did finish Ulysses, by the way, and absolutely loved it! It was very much like the biggest rollercoaster at Cedar Point when I was a kid...I gritted my teeth through the whole thing and was pretty sure it was going to be the death of me, but as soon as I regained consciousness I couldn't wait to do it again!
Coni, some days you just have to catharsis (the works). You have been through so so much and you don't have to feel bad or guilty that you aren't acting grateful. You are profoundly grateful but some days ya gotten let it rip!! Jen
ReplyDeleteGood gravy, seeing it all written out like that is humbling Coni. It’s ALOT for any mere mortal to handle. I hope and pray you catch a break and SOON!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know how you do it. You are a much stronger person than I am.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Hoping for better days ahead!
ReplyDeleteI was ricocheting between your being a toad or a raccoon and got so confused I gave up. Coni, take a breath, be good to yourself, know you're not alone and all this nonsense is happening for some purpose we'll never know here. God is good, is in His heaven, and this, too, shall pass. Love you, dear. p.
ReplyDeleteI saw this somewhere and saved it. Hope it helps, even in a tiny little way:
ReplyDeleteLET YOURSELF REST
If you're exhausted, rest.
If you don't feel like starting a new project, don't.
If you don't feel the urge to make something new, just rest in the beauty of the old, the familiar, the known.
If you don't feel like talking, stay silent.
If you're fed up with the news, turn it off.
If you want to postpone something until tomorrow, do it.
If you want to do nothing, let yourself do nothing today.
Feel the fullness of the emptiness, the vastness of the silence, the sheer life in your unproductive moments.
Time does not always need to be filled.
You are enough, simply in your being.
While I think Job is worth reading, you have been through so much. I don't think a rant is unwarranted. I continue to pray that your body will soon "settle" and let you enjoy life again.
ReplyDeleteAdvice is only as good as what you pay for it--as someone told me many years ago--and you are probably way ahead of me, BUT, if you haven't I would call your surgeon. I think you might want to talk to the dietician again too. After dealing with my own Louie for five years and trying to find out what makes a life after, I can say that everyone's tolerance for different foods varies wildly. I too had an emergency procedure out of the blue, had sepsis and was in IC on a ventilator for six days. I cannot eat lettuce, berries, nuts, any seeds, the list goes on. What I am saying is it is trial and error--we are all different. You are not doing it wrong! Think of it as something else to learn--sending good vibes.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Nancy. What a kind,helpful comment you shared.
DeleteAfter reading through the comments, I think everyone has offered sound info especially Nancy's with talking to the dietician again. As for the fatigue and lack of energy, do what you can and call it done each day. Be kind to yourself and rant/vent when you need to. Thinking of you and sending warm hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteSending you good wishes and love. I can't imagine all that you are going through but you have come through so much, just do what you can and rest!
ReplyDeleteI read an article that gave me so much hope. It talked about being aware that our worth is not in what we accomplish; it is who we are in our hearts. So please. don't worry about what you can do. You are enough because of who you already are. I am so sorry about your crazy body! Your soul is so precious to all of us! I wish you could feel this hug I am sending to you.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers and good thoughts 🙏 to you every day. Your strength amazes me. xoxoxo ❤️ ❤️
ReplyDeleteDitto all the about, praying for you
ReplyDelete