MORE THINGS I LEARNED BY WATCHING THE OLYMPICS

1. Synchronized swimming gives me the creeps for some reason.

2. Water polo looks like something I could do....provided I could learn how to tread water and not just float on a floatie thingie with a beverage.

3. If you are an Olympic medal winning swimmer with blue hair, you are nine feet tall, and you travel in a pack of similarly recognizable individuals...you should probably learn to behave yourself like a grown ass man and not a spoiled little bratty idiot that gets caught acting like a dumbshit and then lies about it.

4. Olympic medal winning swimming post-party shenanegins have given me a potty mouth.

5. Platform diving.  Am I the only one that feels guilty for enjoying watching somebody fling themselves off a three story building?

6. Do you suppose that platform divers are actually afraid of anything, and if they are, would they be able to tell anybody?  ("I'm a platform diver and fling myself off three story buildings, but I'm terrified of ladybugs.")

7. Are there actual steps to the samba?  Or do you just jiggle about madly while pretending to walk across a hot waffle iron?

8. I would not be able to beat Usain Bolt in a race if I was driving in a car and he gave me a eighteen minute head start, tied one leg behind his back, and promised me a Krispy Kreme doughnut if I won.

9. Running the 100 meter dash is not for beefy gals like me.  Nor is gymnastics, diving, beach volleyball, cycling, or any other sport involving any amount of spandex whatsoever.  

10. As I watch the women's triatalon with waffles and syrup dribbling down my pajamas at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, it occurs to me that these ladies and I are not only very different...we might actually be two different species.

11. I feel like I have been on vacation for two weeks while watching these games.  But, what it is I am on vacation from exactly is completely beyond me.