A MONDAY MORNING CONVERSATION WITH MASTER STEWEY ANGUS WILLOWSWAMP, HIS VERY LITTLE SELF

For purposes of demonstration, Master Stewey Angus Willowswamp, His Very Little Self would like to enter the following as Exhibit A:







STEWEY: Mo-ther, you have received several emails in your Spinster Stitcher account, and one in particular has me extremely upset.

MO-THER: (grumble grumble grumble as she wipes up coffeemaker pee from the kitchen counter)

STEWEY: For some reason, several of your stitchy friends think the video entitled "Teasing Your Dog" is quite hilarious and that both you and I would think it cute. I do not.

MO-THER: For cripe's sakes, Stewey. I haven't even had coffee yet and you're already embroiled in a mini drama? How the hell does this happen so early on a Monday morning?

STEWEY: What do you suppose the reaction would be if I were to film a little video of my own and then post it on YouTube so as to create a viral situation?

MO-THER: (not paying any attention to the little dog dressed in a silk smoking jacket, glasses perched at the tip of his nose, paw tapping impatiently)

STEWEY: Imagine if you will.....
SCENE: A modest living room somewhere in the Midwestern United States of America. Framed fully is the face of a somewhat unattractive, yet somehow lovable middle aged spinster. A voice is heard off camera...

VOICE: So I went into a needlework shop.

(The spinster's face tilts, eyes wide with interest as the voice continues).

VOICE: And I got a big basket the size of a Buick.

SPINSTER: So what did you do with the basket?

VOICE: I filled it to the brim with charts and canvases and threads and organizers and scissors and linens and magnets and q-snaps and stretcher bars and hand lotions and magazines and ort jars.

SPINSTER: Oh my gosh! How many things do you think you were able to put into your basket?

VOICE: Oh, thousands. The basket was so big that I had to move it out to the parking lot and then I called for help in filling it up. No matter how much stuff I put in there, it never got full and I just had to keep adding more and more and more.

SPINSTER: OH MY GOSH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BASKET!

VOICE: Well, once I got everything that I wanted, I pulled out a magic credit card and paid for it.

SPINSTER: A MAGIC CREDIT CARD?!!! WHY WAS IT MAGIC?!!!

VOICE: Well, it's magic because not matter how much needlework you put on it, it never reaches a limit.

SPINSTER: You're kidding!

VOICE: No, and when the monthly statement comes, the balance is zero, so you never have to make a payment and you can just keep shopping and shopping and shopping.

SPINSTER: Yeah? (Her ears lay flat against her head and she anxiously gazes into the camera.) So after you bought all of that stuff, what happened next?

VOICE: I woke up.

SPINSTER: WAAAAAAAAAA!

STEWEY: So what do you think of THAT little scenario, Mo-ther? How would you and all of these stitchers that are sending you this thing feel about THAT? Huh?

MO-THER: (not paying any attention at all to the little dog while munching peanut butter toast and trying to figure out the Jumble) Sounds great, honey. Whatever you want. Blah blah blah....

The little dog stomps off in a huff to go pee on the drapes.

So a very big fat smiley THANK YOU to all of you who have sent that video to me. I, for one, think it's pretty darn cute and am determined to find a way to play it on the big TeeVee in an endless loop until you-know-who submits to my every whim. I'm concerned, though, that paybacks might be hell, so I better go hide his iPad.

Damn dog.