A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO MY MO-THER. BY MASTER STEWEY ANGUS WILLOWSWAMP, HIS VERY LITTLE (AND NOW HUMBLE) SELF

My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's out in the back yard thrusting her fists up into the air and jumping all about while screeching "Vindication is mine! Woo Hoo!". She's also singing "I...am the champion...my friends", but I won't even go there, since it sounds remarkably like a bag of cats being thrown into a retention pond.

(You'll be happy to know that I made sure she had on all of the various and sundry underclothes necessary for a woman of her substantial girth and age, so we don't have any wobbly bits flying about the neighborhood.)

(At least not this time.)

If you've read this here blog for any length of time, you know that I get especially critical of my silly mo-ther during the holiday times for her complete lack of skill when it comes to tarting up the house in festive finery. As a matter of fact, I think that I threatened to leave her if she didn't pull it together this year, so I was extremely pleased to see my Aunt Chrissy pull up in the driveway a few days ago to haul the old lady off to the Hobby Lobby. Thanks to the recording device I've hidden in her purse, I am able to share with you the following conversation:

MY STUPID MO-THER: Where are we going for lunch?

AUNT CHRISSY: Lunch? We're not going to lunch. I'm taking you to buy Christmas decorations.

MO-THER: I've got a whole garage full of Christmas decorations. Why can't we go to lunch?

AC: Because I can't take another year of the sighing and wringing of hands and general bitching and moaning and complaining coming from your house over the disappointment in the overall lack of cohesion when it comes to a theme. And that's just Stewey's side of the equation!

MO-THER: I have a theme. It's called "You'll Enjoy These Decorations And Will Shut Up About It, Or You Can Sleep In A Little Wooden Doghouse Out In The Back Yard". Besides, I decided that I'm just going to throw a few of those sparkly pears and a strand of pearl garland on that skinny little tree I have and call it a day.

AC: We got rid of the pears.

MO-THER: !!!!! Who did?!!! When did this happen?

AC: Remember the day when I came over and "cleaned the garage" for you? Well, Stewey put a sedative in your drink and we took the opportunity to get rid of all of your crap once and for all. Did you know that you had teddy bear decorations out there that you used in 1987?

MO-THER: I LOVED those teddy bears!

AC: Well, somebody else can love them now, because this year you're starting over and you're going to get your freakin' act together and decorate your house like a grown-up, or I'm going to put you in a home where you belong and ask them to throw away the key.

MO-THER: (Grumbling under her breath...) At least I'd get some lunch out of THAT deal.

So Aunt Chrissy and Mo-ther did the Hobby Lobby School Of Christmas Decorating crash course and came home laden with boxes and bags and parcels and whatnot and then Mom set about putting it all to good use. I grabbed a nice little Merlot and a cheese tray and headed for my fort, and at 11 o'clock last night I was summoned for the first look.

The first thing I saw was the Big 'Ol White Wall of Nothingness. Looks like we're going to use the long table for the Jim Shore Santa collection yet again this year. But just as I was getting ready to throw my hands up in disgust, I spied the somewhat funky arrangement that was now living in the French flower cone thingie that Mom thinks looks fabulous and sophisticated. (It's neither, but I've learned to pick my battles):
You can't really see it from this picture, but the centers of the flowers actually have crystals in them and the stick-things that are scattered about look like they've been dipped in crystals also. I'm not totally crazy about it, but for now, it's just going to have to do.

That darn shelf drives me nuts every year, and this year is no exception. I think that Mom is so proud of that damn Santa on a stick that she feels compelled to showcase it, but I'd rather that we just rip the whole sorry mess off the wall and be done with it:

(The pillow, though, stays. My Aunt Chrissy made that several years ago and it's one of the few holiday decorations that I actually DO like.

Remember the fireplace mantle decorations from last year? No? Well that's probably because there weren't any. This year, though, we have this:

I'm loving the sleigh on top of the cabinet thingie (thanks again, Aunt Chrissy), and the wreath is rather cool, considering the fact that my mom put it together while watching and singing along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (Did you ever notice how completely SHRILL the children are in that movie?) I think I'm also loving the simplicity of the mantle itself, combined with the somewhat glitziness of the garland. Methinks it's more House of Siegfried and Roy as opposed to House of Incompetent and Dimwitted, so we're good.

I am pretty sure that the tree is my most favorite part of the whole entire "Christmas with Spinster" experience we've got going on this year. It strikes the perfect balance of whimsy and charm, and has a wonderful sense of Bon Vivant that I relate to so well. Can you see the clever little top hat?

I have to say....for the first time in her pitiful little life, I think my mo-ther finally channeled her inner Las Vegas Showgirl and tarted this thing up to within an inch of its life. Perfection, if you ask me:

So I suppose that this brings me to the point where I must make a heartfelt and public apology to my mom for all of the disparaging, snotty, mean, and unforgivable things I've said about her ability to decorate the house properly these last several years. I know that she really worked very very hard and that she will be gratified to know that I, Stewey Angus Willowswamp, am very very sorry for being such a pill and that I will do my very best to enjoy each and every day of this festive holiday season once and for all.

Oh. And I'm also sorry for peeing on the drapes again this morning.

So that's it, kids. We're ready for Santa Claus here in Hoosierville, so it's all downhill from here. I hope that you enjoyed a wonderful weekend and that wherever you are is exactly where you want to be.

With love from your pal,
Stewey