O BIRDY!

Aunt Chrissy gave me an early Christmas present Friday night....La-D-Da's O Birdy kit. Isn't it swell? The kit comes with the chart, linen, and silk. The linen is quite plush...35ct. "Straw" from Weeks Dye Works, and the silks are all NPI and like butt-a. As you can see from my progress, this one stitches up very fast. Woo Hoo!

I'm a little concerned about some notes that I discovered moments ago. Apparently, Stewey has been reading the comments on this here blog, and the YouTube video that y'all suggested has him tizzy-fitting all over the place today. (Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9Fyey4D5hg&feature=player_embedded). Methinks he is preparing a statement to be read on the SWC(*) once it gets up and running:

Ahem. On behalf of my little twerp cousin Bosco and lazy Shorty Jack Russell terriers everywhere, may I just say a big fat $*&@% YOU to that little suck-up who insists on making the rest of us look like the spoiled, lazy, rotten, drape-watering ingrates that we are?

All I can say, pal, is that you had better sleep with one eye open (which I'm sure you've learned how to do perfectly, given your propensity for showing off with all of this cute crap.)

Pups like me and Bosco had it pretty good until you went viral with all of your "look at me open the dishwasher and load my bowl and then close the dishwasher and then take my Mommie's socks off and put them in the washer and then wash the windows and clean the counter tops off and then"....I can't go on, or I'll surely upchuck on the rug.

For the record...when my stupid mo-ther took me to my first v-e-t visit, the trainer there said "Oh, Miss Rich. You should enroll Stewey in clicker training. He will amaze you with what he'll be able to accomplish and learn and you will enjoy him so much more when he is well-behaved and can do tricks like a trained little circus monkey." And my stupid mo-ther, who had just invested 600 bucks in onesies from the Target baby collection and who had NO plans whatsoever of training me like the dog I am, said "Oh, no thank you, Miss Nekka. I intend to love and protect and cuddle and baby-talk my perfect little bundle of joy right into adulthood, and I'm sure that he will naturally learn how to do everything he needs to by observing me and by feeling loved and cared for."

So the fact that you can run a house, drive a car, and cure cancer is of no small matter to those of us who probably could have done the same damn thing given a smarter person, and I, for one, think it's shameful that you would feel compelled to show off.

So let's face facts, my furry little friend, and call it what it is, shall we? While you're doing housework and fetching the paper and pretending to drink cups and cups of coffee, I am lounging in the sun and having my every need met by a neurotic spinster who would rather chew off her own arm than inconvenience me in any way shape or form. While you're making a bed, I'm sending my idiot mom off to Bed Bath and Freakin Beyond for higher thread count sheets. While you're turning on the coffee pot, I'm barking instructions at my very own in-house barista who not only steams my morning milk, but who warms the cup for my breakfast cappuccino. While you're washing the windows, I'm writing a fascinating tell-all that will be in bookstores as soon as my agent gets off her a-- and gets me a seven figure advance. You do laundry? Well, I make laundry. And as for the whole "look at me, I take my mommy's socks off her feet", well I suggest you come over and get a look at the hooves on this old hag and then see why I book the pedicures around here.

If you know what's good for you, you'll knock it the hell off already and go pee on something or make a nice poop where you're not supposed to. OK? You're a dog. Now act like it.

The note went on and on, but this is a family show and I'm afraid that I would be censored to within an inch of my life if I shared anything further with you. Besides, I'm also afraid that you will discover that my sweet little pup actually has a very dark side and that you will lose whatever affection you might have for him...all because he's feeling vulnerable and ashamed that he's been discovered and exposed as a dictatorial little snot.

I will say that the fleeting thought ran through my mind that it it probably isn't too late for Stewey and that I could make an appointment with a trainer and....well, I got about that far before I had to go fetch his blanket and slippers from the dryer and get the step stool out to take down the drapes.

I hope you're off to a good week and a fabulous November! Woo Hoo!


*The SWC is the Stewey Willowswamp Channel. Once he got wind of the fact that Oprah was launching her very own TeeVee channel in 2011, he decided that he needed one of his very own. After a few high-level negotiations and a some dollars from his college fund as the initial investment, he hopes to begin programming next spring.