Oct 29, 2010


I tried. I really did.

Every year, it's the same damn thing. Halloween approaches, and I'm left standing in front of the linen closet looking for an old sheet that can become a ghost costume on a moment's notice. If there were a real live man in this house (as opposed to the fantasy Jeffrey Dean Morgan), I could raid his closet for an old sports jacket, a hat, and a belt and whip up a "hobo" in two seconds flat. Alas, neither are to be this year.

Stewey is supremely miffed at Mommie Dearest (yet again) that I did not get my inner Martha on and concoct him a Halloween costume of epic proportions. He threw out the usual suggestions...Lady GaGa, the Gulf Coast Oil Spill, a Chilean Miner, and Monica Lewinski...(?)....(!)...but I didn't hear a word of any of it. Instead I said "Uh-huh. Don't worry. I'll get to it as soon as I finish this" and then, before my very eyes, the big event was upon us.

What can I say? Mo-ther of the year I'm not.

I had visions of dressing my little bundle of joy up each year, and along with the dressing up would come fabulous pictures for his scrapbook that I would produce with glee when it came time for his prom date to meet the 'rent. I had plans to scour the costume shops and the old Martha magazines gathering dust up in the studio for that one perfect look that all of the other kids in the neighborhood would talk about for months into the New Year. I would bake and decorate and sew and stitch and gather and harvest and give thanks for everything that came my way during the Autumnal Wonder, and I would stand out in the front yard and gasp at the sheer brilliance of the changing colours around me.


So today I'm planting my big fat white hairy butt in the Happy Chair and doing nothing. I'm not going to fret over the lack of festivity around here and I'm certainly not going to cave into a spoiled little brat of a five year old Jack Russell terrier who feels compelled to share with the world my failings as a mom. Screw 'im. He can damn well fend for himself this year.

(She stands with hands on hips and defiantly cocks her head upward, as if to say (in the words of her own dear departed mo-ther) "Eye's dee boss and hees dee boss-ee", while attempting to look somehow "final" in her decision.)

(This lasts eight and half seconds)

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go brainstorm over a pile of grocery bags, some left over felt, and the remnants of seventeen years worth of abandoned craft projects to come up with SOMETHING that will get the damn dog out from under the bed.

Oh, and I've got drapes to wash.


  1. I thought he promised not to water the new drapes!

    Eh, no worries about the failings as a mother. We all have them. He'll adjust!

    Smiles - Denise

  2. I say cover him with thread snips and call him a walking Ort.

  3. Now, now, we must work to save those drapes!

    You say you have felt? Make him and eye patch out of felt and elastic. Go to a party store and in the children, little boys, party section get him a pirate hat. I'm sure Stewey could channel his inner Jack Sparrow in a debonair pirate hat and eye patch. I know my Rory did. (Hint. I went to party city and spent a grand total of 3.98 cents for that outfit.!)

    Have a happy Halloween anyway. And tell Stewey he better behave 'cause Santa has started his naughty list early this year!

    and Rory too

  4. A co-worker just returned from lunch with the cutest squirrel costume for her dog. She got it at Target! Very cute. I bet Stewey would be adorable in it if he can get past the idea of being a rodent!!!

  5. I was so hoping Jeffrey Dean was hanging out at your place 'cuz dear hubby doesn't like him hanging out at mine. Tell Master Stewey that if he gets Mr. Morgan to come on over he can have whatever damn costume he wants.

  6. Oh! Grace Kelly had a squirrel costume last year, the one from Target. Poor darling wasn't best pleased with it though, by the time we got to the end of our driveway I had to put the hat on three times! This year we are dispensing with costumes (you aren't the only bad mo-ther) and buying her a yogurt doggie lolly instead.

  7. I think if you sit down, take a Valium, drink a Margarita, everything will work itself out! :)

  8. Drapes to wash? Oh no, he didn't..He and Joplin our siamese would have a lot in common. She is known to 'water' inappopriate places as well.

    Happy Halloween, and I'm sure you'll come up with something wonderful for Stewey to wear. Personally, I like the idea of the walking ort. Take pictures to share!!

  9. Coni, you have GOT to watch this video with Stewey --

  10. Hi Connie= I think I just saw Stewey in a video- surely that cannot be two dogs that smart- here is the link

    But, I did not see him water the drapes. Deby

  11. Coni,

    Oh No! NOT the new drapes??? Stewey puppydog, why do you torment Mo-ther so much???

    BTW, did you see the world's longest domestic cat? It's a Maine Coon Cat, and it's name is Stewie!! They are called the gentle giants of the cat world...how's that for a small world after all? They are beautiful too...

    AND, I just took a couple photos of my Ort jars! :D Not sure where to email them at...would love to send the pics on to you...

    Your fee nee was lovely as usual...sigh I've only one, ONE, finish this year - just beyond pathetic...more like super colossal extremely pathetic. SIGH

    Hugs and Love to you both and Aunt Chrissy and Bosco,

    PS Did Aunt Chrissy get the name Bosco for the chocolate syrup? :)