Sep 10, 2010


There was a time in my life when I could make it through an entire day without too much happening to me. I managed to get up, bathe and dress myself appropriately, go to work, keep house, terrorize the neighborhood, and bat my eyelashes at every handsome boy that happened my way.

In short, I was what you might call a completely normal person.

Now, I'm lucky if I can go a week without my Jack Russell terrier ratting me out whenever he commandeers this here blog. It's like I have my very own personal paparazzo at the ready to report to my adoring public every single humiliating and dumb ass thing that I've done....all in an effort to demonstrate how much better his life would have been had he been adopted by a smarter person.

So for the record....

Yes, I did manage to de-fuzz my legs yesterday, but not without incident. Apparently, one should put in one's contact lenses before operating sharp implements, because when I went to slather on the Johnson's 24-hour Lilac and Chamomile baby lotion that is supposed to de-stress me, I discovered that I had nicked just about every important artery that one might have in one's legs, and I was now going to require a tourniquet. Or several tourniquets.

That positively sucked.

Then, as I was sitting at my appointment yesterday, I happened to glance down at my knees, and realized that I had missed shaving them completely. So there I sat in my paper gown with four boxes of band aids applied in a rather artful fashion (if I do say so myself), and at the mid point of each leg was a knobby knee covered in five o'clock shadow. If I would have had one available to me, I would have taken a Sharpie and drawn on a couple of faces just under the knee caps, and my new friends would have had little buzz cut hairdos. Sheesh.

Today I ran errands and did the grocery shopping for the next month and a half. I say this, because I don't care if I am out of everything edible within an eight mile radius of my can't make me go back there. I should have known better, really. Friday afternoons before a Notre Dame home football game are not exactly optimal for doing anything in public. Every single obnoxious alumna (note that I am only bitching about the female form of the beast here) decides to descend upon my little 'burb of Mishawaka and you would think that there was one big collective barn in which they were all raised. Not one nice manner among the lot of 'em. Daft cows.

So I bought everything in the store, successfully packed it all into the back of the car (whose name is Dottie, by the way), and drove home with the windows down and Def Leppard blaring away on the radio. (I'm dangerous with that Sirius satellite thingie, I tell ya.)

Everything was going just fine until I started hauling grocery bags into the kitchen. To get to said kitchen, you have to come in through the laundry room, turn right to go down a hallway (that I like to call the "gallery" because it sounds so damn sophisticated, don't you know), and then turn left into the kitchen.

If you're a semi-normal person and relatively steady on your feet and in overall decent physical shape, this is a complete no brainer.

But this is me we're talking about.

Allow me to re-create the scene: Masochistic bag boy who decided to make each bag weigh nine hundred pounds, sore arms from trying to clean the house as if Martha Stewart her very self were coming over, an errant dryer sheet on the floor, and a dog who has enough toys strewn around to populate a large PetSmart. Add to that my propensity for hanging too many damn pictures in too small a damn space, inadequate undergarments to house my droopy bosoms, and me drenched in sweat, and you've got the picture, even if it isn't very pretty.

I stepped into the laundry room, caught that damn dryer sheet full on, slid into a half herky jerk kind of cheerleader split configuration, watched in horror as "the girls" decided to break free from the four dollar K-mart bra that I figured would be good for wearing while doing yard work and such, and then spun around and stepped on a tennis ball that my damn dog won't play with because he decided that green is no longer on his color wheel. As I flailed about in some kind of half-assed pitiful attempt to stay upright, I swiped all of the cross stitched pieces off of one wall, smashed the grocery bag containing the eggs into another wall, and then skated into the kitchen on two wheels as though the entire episode was some kind of freakish Ice Capades finale. All that was missing was a banana peel and Wiley Coyote.

So forgive me if I forego the stitchy talk and pics today. I'm thinking that I should put myself to bed with a cold compress on my head and the telephone number of a good insurance agent programmed into the mobile. With any luck, I'll wake up and it will be Tuesday and Stewey will have stocked the fridge, made a few meals, wiped up the mess in the gallery and finished the laundry...all in the spirit of giving a girl a break.

Have a wonderful weekend, and don't do anything I would do...


  1. I, too, have been the unsuspecting victim of an errant dryer sheet on a white ceramic-tile floor. Bounce?!? Is that someone's idea of a sick joke, or what? I hope you came through realtively unscathed.

  2. Note to self: be sure to pee before reading the Spinster Stitcher's blog.

  3. Someone stop me from laughing outloud before the men in white jackets come to get me! I needed a good laugh and for the record...I'm the Mother of a male ND alum. He'll laugh with me when I tell him about your trip to the grocery store. Are you sure they weren't Smick Chicks?

  4. OMG....i am in hysterics here! the people in my apartment building must think I am crazy! Thanks for the laughs today! I really needed that...and I hope you are okay!

  5. I'm with Robin. Must go change now.
    You totally made my day!

  6. Coni, I hate to say you made my day a little brighter !! Sorry your accident made me laugh.. LOL
    ND fans can't be as bad as those Alabama National Champ fans. RUDE is a mild word. Here in Alabama it has been so bad this last week. They are always in a hurry and have tons to do before a game.. I buy groceries on Sunday night... Peaceful.... LOL

  7. LOL!! I hope you are ok Coni. As someone who has tripped sprained and broken bones, you have my sympathy.You will be sore will discover muscles you didn`t know existed!

    Stewey, be good to your mo-ther this weekend.

  8. Just have yourself an adult style beverage, kick your feet up, and watch your favorite Kevin Costner movie. That's my prescription for you for the weekend.

  9. I must say I smile when I see you have posted something new on your blog. It makes my day. You are a riot!!

  10. thanks for bringing me the best laugh of my day! Hope you are doing ok after your calamity.

  11. I agree with Robin - several times now I have almost wet myself reading Coni's tales of her day!

    Also being from a very close suburb of Ann Arbor, I can't even imagine how crowded it is there today...ahh, our town is empty...

    Between your accident, the game and it being the weekend - sounds like maybe you should stay in and stitch the weekend away!

  12. Great googly-moogly! Hope all is well in the morning; ibuprofen is your friend. Thanks for the terrific mental images!

    Mary in MN

  13. oh goodness, my aunt dottie's car was named Becky... visions of 6 degrees of kevin bacon. I say make a giant leap for the happy chair!

  14. MMMmmm, did the cross stitch survive? No broken glass and such? Hope you are feeling better today and not too sore. Not sure who ND is playing today - hope they win - if only for your sake. After what you have been through it would seem rude if they lost.
    Smiles - Denise

  15. You got me hollerin at my puter is morning!~~~ I GOT the visual the whole way thru.....and for the record, my dryer sheet slipping experiences have been NOTHING as good as yours! You must truly have the record....Is this all because I dont have a "gallery"??? I will be LOL on this one and reflecting back to it all day when I need a snicker......4dollar Kmart bra...! LOVE IT!!

  16. Oh Coni,

    Gentle enfolding hugs to comfort you and heal those bruises that you will probably feel tomorrow.
    Stewie - take mo-ther some wondrous pain relief and the remote control.
    It must be a girl thing - hubby wanted to know why I was laughing and wiping tears from my eyes. I still laughed while reading your blog to him - he barely cracked a smile. You had to be there perhaps..
    Thank you for the laugh...

  17. What a day! You always have me giggling out loud. NOT at your pain and suffering...just because you tell of your antics soooo brilliantly! Hope you are feeling better today! Hi Stewey!


  18. Been reading your blog about a month now, since you were listed in Quilters Home. You and Stewey feel like long time friends. I have tears I laugh so hard some days, but can't let my Shih-Tzu Maggie read Stewey's blog 'cause I don't want her getting any ideas she hasn't already come up with. Keep making me laugh. Dolores & Maggie

  19. Oh, you poor baby! Hope the damage (to you and the gallery) wasn't too bad.

  20. Uh oh...I think someone is going to be disappointed when she wakes up. Stewey is much more likely to be throwing a party than he is to be cooking and doing laundry.

    Pour Some Sugar On Me is the perfect grocery store exit song!

  21. I just had to read this out loud to Niek, who is now convinced that you and I are sisters separated at birth. :)

  22. You are so damned funny! Thank you so much. My dog Miranda has a crush on Stewey - can we set a play date?

  23. Oh man, hubs has an office across the hall from the room I am sitting in laughing my fool head off. Out loud, very loud. Sorry about your fall I took a couple last winter on the ice and hit my head on one. Kinda wondered if I would wake up in the morning. Ladybug's toys are over also. I cannot get up in the night without stepping on a squeaky. Just bought a basket and put all the dog toys in to watch all of them get pulled out withing half an hour.