Mar 10, 2010


My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's out in the driveway shaking her fist at the sky while muttering something about wanting a cheeseburger. I think it has something to do with the fact that she woke up this morning and realized that it was going to be 54 degrees outside, which, for my stupid mo-ther, is a tropical heat wave.

This yearning for a cheeseburger lead her to the garage and the bar-be-que grill. Normally, my Aunt Chrissy comes over and opens the garage door and hauls all of the summertime crap around the house and deposits it onto the patio, but Mom decided that she wanted to see if she could be a grown up and do it all herself this year.

Alas, it was not to be.

See, before hauling all of the crap around the side of the house, Mom wanted to wash the patio so that it would be all clean and sparkly and devoid of any Stewey pee. (At least that what she told me when she tried to find her outside shoes in the bottom of the closet and a pair of sweatpants that wouldn't cause the neighbors to call the home owners' association.) The outside shoes never made it outside, but she did manage to find a pair of size 10 men's slippers that she got at the WalMart one year with the hopes that they would be simple and chic'. (They're not. Trust me about this.)

When Mom stepped off the patio to go hook up the hose, she fell out of the size 10 men's slippers and right into a big 'ol pile of dog poo that Aunt Chrissy had shoveled off of the patio sometime this winter.

I don't need to tell you what kind of words started flying out of her mouth, but I can reveal that I learned a few new cuss words to use on the school bus some morning.

So what should have been a simple 10 minute task has turned into an afternoon of scrubby showering and clothes washing and more scrubby showering and more clothes washing. When I finally got a good look at her a few moments ago, she was missing at least seven layers of skin, and her face was beet red from all of the aggravation over just wanting a freakin' cheeseburger.

Needless to say...I don't think there is going to be a whole lot of anything accomplished around here tonight other than some heavy guilt laying on a) Aunt Chrissy for throwing the poo in the yard and b) me, for pooing on the patio in the first damn place. (You'll notice that my pesky cousin Bosco is nowhere to be found in this whole mess, despite the fact that the very first thing he does whenever he comes over for a visit guessed it...poo.)

I'm going to grab the Kindle and head to my fort for the duration. I might also grab a few stitchy projects to see if I can help the old lady out a bit by adding a row or two here and there. If I'm not back in a few days, please alert the authorities, and remember me fondly.


With love from your pal,


  1. Pleeeese Stewey, DO NOT TRY TO REDEEM YOURSELF by helping with the stitching!!!! It may turn veeeery UGLY.
    Love Karen in Aus.

  2. I have done the same thing Coni !! My doogie poos at the bottom of the step outside, she is 14 and doesn't want to go far. I have a shovel I usually use to remove it.. One morning, I was running late for work. Ice on the steps.. I took that first step and wham... One giant step down 3 steps and I fell right into a fresh pile of Poo. All down the side of my skirt. I get up.. marched back inside and washed and changed again.. We all laugh about it now.. lol But it was not funny at the time.. I am 45 and round.. lol a fall like that could have hurt me bad. lol About bad words... I said them too!!!

  3. Nothing like thawed doggie poo to herald the start of spring and BBQ season. We have our share of it here too, and I have betimes stepped in it. Yuck. Yup, bad words were said.

  4. LOL thanks for the visuals in my head. You think you get into trouble now, I wouldn't touch the Moth-ers stitching.

  5. sounds like a crappy day-
    i'm just sayin

  6. I can't add ANYTHING to that!

  7. Stewey, perhaps a note to Aunt Chrissy may be in order: "Please shovel the poo AWAY from the house." Been there, done that, lesson learned. Stepping into poo can ruin anybody's good day. Hope the evening will go better for you. Thanks for the laugh!

  8. ROTFL....I have done the same thing. Ice on the step, wham! into the poo. Of course, it was thawed and mushy...As a former dog owner, you have my sympathy Coni. Don`t change Stewey for a cat though...litter boxes smell worse!

  9. I think it would behoove you to lay low for a while - and definitely do not, I repeat, do not touch mother's stitching!

  10. Even though there is nothing like a good old-fashioned homemade BBQued cheeseburger, it sounds like a trip through the drive-thru at your nearest McD's or Jack-in-the-Box or Burger King or Sonic or where-ever is in order!

    And Stewey, from now on I think you need to suck-it-up during the cold weather and do your business as far away from the patio as you can!

  11. What happened, did the restaurants throughout Hoosierville suddenly run out of fresh ground beef and 100% cheddar cheese, causing the spinster to resort to home cooking??? Say it ain't so???