In any event, our morning has gotten off to a rough start. You see, we are experiencing a coyote problem over here at Chez Spinster, and this little development has thrown Mom into some sort of terrible fit. Instead of opening the back patio door to let me out for a little pee-time privacy, she now insists on accompanying me out to the yard while armed with a flash light and snow shovel.
Yes, that's right. I said coyote.
Mom spotted one about ten feet from the back patio last week and when she alerted the neighbors about it, the responses she got were rather astounding....
"Oh yeah, there's a big pack of them living behind my house and I hear them howling every night."
"No big deal. I just put a little food and water out for them each evening and they seem to really like it."
"Coyote? Have you taken to drinking in the afternoon, you Crazy Spinster Lady?"
Mom did lots of research (being the good mom that she is....ahem), and she discovered that coyotes are not, in fact, no big deal, but rather dangerous wild animals that will eat me for a snack before you can say "Why is that crazy lady wearing a black hat with a veil and digging herself a grave in the backyard?". Apparently, when there's more than one of them, coyotes become rather aggressive and will attack anything they damn well feel like. Yikes.
So all of this potty supervision has completely thrown me off my game, particularly since I prefer a little privacy while making my deposits and my stupid mo-ther won't let me out of her sight. I'd creep around the side of the house where it's all dark and such, but I think this would send her directly to Panic Attack Central, and nobody needs to see that.
I did manage to stop her dead in her tracks though, since she is apparently incapable of carrying on a conversation and wipe up dog pee at the same time:
ME: Mo-ther, what are you doing? It's 10:30 and I haven't had my poached egg and toast yet.
MTHR: Damnit, Stewey! I swear, if you pee on one more thing around here I'm going to put a clothes pin on your peenie and slap a set of Rumba Panties on you!!!!
ME: Rumba Panties!!!!! But those are for girls! (NOTE: Please go immediately to Mr. Edgar's blog to learn all about Rumba Panties: http://blacksheepsite.blogspot.com/.
MTHR: Well, Mommie just doesn't know what to do with you anymore. You're a big boy now and should NOT be peeing in the house!
ME: Bees do it.
MTHR: What are you talking about? Bees don't pee!
ME: They most certainly do, as is evidenced by Ms. Martha Stewart Her Very Self on her blog this morning.
MTHR: ????????? What were you doing on the computer without permission?
ME: Don't change the subject. Bees pee and you should know that I feel that if a bee can pee than so can I. This will conclude our discussion of this particular topic. Now please go make my breakfast while I go blog about what a boob you're being.
MTHR: You're grounded. Go to bed.
ME: No.
MTHR: (She stands...staring blankly...obviously defeated and without any recourse other than a retreat to the bed to pull the covers over her head.)
ME: Night night, Mommie.
So as you can see, I dodged that bullet (at least for the time being, anyway). But I was indeed very serious about bee pee. See?
Here's the bee:
And here's his pee:
If you don't believe me, go to Martha's blog and you can read a fascinating account of her very own bees at Canticoe Farms.Oh, Martha....how I love you so.
Mom promises that she will have something stitchy to say. I'll poke her with a stick this afternoon to see if she'll get up and take some crappy pictures to share. She has been working on Rainforest Crunch, but I'll let her take the pic. I'm not allowed to use the camera ever since I got caught sexting.
Have a lovely day, all!
With love from your pal,
Stewey
I don't really know what to say about bee pee - so I'll just...
ReplyDeleteYou have your coyotes and I have the red fox. Saw one crossing the back yard forest into the next forest over.
Happy Stitching to Mother!
Oh boy this post cracked me up. Stewy I did not know that bees peed... Now the part about the Coyotes, be careful and let your mommy accompany you to the potty room she can hold a sheet up if it makes you feel better.
ReplyDeleteTake Care
Now Stewey, be nice to your mother. Be careful around the coyotes! I like the sheet idea above. ;)
ReplyDeleteWe haven't heard anything about Aunt Crissy or your cousin in a while. I hope they're well.
Bee Pee? Coyotes?? Oh my goodness. Stewey would you like my Rory to come visit you? He would chase away those coyotes. Though he likes to chase almost anything. Birds, helicopters, planes, garbage trucks, cats, well you get the picture.
ReplyDeleteI hope Mother calms down. Well, she will if you be a good boy.
We have coyotes around us too. THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING PEOPLE CAN DO IS FEED THEM! I appolgize for shouting and realize Stewey and Coni are intelegent folk and know better, but by feeding them your neighbors encourange them to come around and then the coyotes no longer fear people and then you can't get rid of them.
ReplyDeleteStewey, you are too cute and adorable to go out without your bodyguard. And really, as your mother she has seen you pee before. Maybe she can get the wildlife people to relocate them?
I did not know bees pee'd. I could have live to 45 without learning that...
ReplyDeleteLiving on a farm I have seen dozens of beautiful foxes and coyote. I have never let my lads outside and I'm not about to start now what with the forest primeval just outside the door. I dont want the lads becoming fox hor d'oeuvre or coyote happy meals... so Stewey, you just let Mo-ther keep following you around and keeping you safe. A thank you is in order. So is NOT peeing in the house! If you think the rumba things are embarrassing, maybe she should get you some: http://www.amazon.com/Four-Paws-Wee-Housebreaking-Pads/dp/B0002DJT9S
Oh, and Stewey? Do your neighborhood a public service and bite those moronic people who are feeding the coyotes! Just don't tell Mo-ther.
First - thanks for the link to the Blacksheep. How have I missed this blog? And I did order Rainforest Crunch yesterday afternoon - thanks to you! Can't wait for it to arrive.
ReplyDeleteBirds do it. Bees do it. Who knew Cole Porter was writing about pee?
I am with Colorado Stitcher. No feeding of the cayotes. I've seen cayotes in several of the places I've lived, but no one was dumb enough to feed them.
ReplyDeleteStewey, you don't want to become a late evening snack, so mind your Mo-ther.
Bee's pee? And Martha follows them around her yard with a camera to prove it? The woman is going daft!
I live in San Francisco and we have coyotes living in Golden Gate Park. I don't doubt that they live in some of the other parks as well. The nutty people in this city feed them. They haven't a clue as to what they are dealing with. They are WILD animals and should be treated as such. Not only do they eat little dogs, but little lambs as well. Ask my cousin who raises sheep.
ReplyDelete@Donna - where did you find Rainforest Crunch? I had no luck a couple of days ago and I think I'm determined to give it a try.
ReplyDeleteStewey - between you and Mr. Edgar's blog I can't stop laughing. Now I have a visual of you in rumba panties - not a good thing!
ReplyDeleteDo watch out for those coyotes! They might be thinking if they can do away with you, they can move in with mother!
Bee pee...nothing to say about that one!
I always love your posts, my sweet prince, Stewey! Bee pee is a new one for me. I learn something new every time I come to this blog!
ReplyDeleteStewey - do you know what else pees? Lady bugs (or Asian Beetles), and wasps, and all kinds of other insects pee. Those are the little stains left on my white carpet when I vacuum up their buggie little carcases. YUK!
ReplyDeleteAnd DO be careful of those nasty coyotes...you are just sweet enough to be very appetizing to them!
Hoosier-ville has it's coyotes, here in Florida, we have gators. That mother nature really has it in for us, doesn't she??
ReplyDeleteNow Stewey, just because bees "might" pee on the drapes, doesn't mean that you should do it too! I'm SURE that you're mo-ther has already given you the "just because cousin bosco jumps off a bridge, would you do it too?" lecture...
You be a good gent and stop making your mo-ther inhale those Pine-Sol fumes - that may be part of her "problem", you know? LOLOLOL
(Coni - please don't be offended that I mentioned your "problem" - I don't think you have a problem - I love you and your "blog and your little dog too" - I'm just trying to put the "heavy" on Stewey so the inappropriate "waterings" stop.
:)
Stewey you crack me up. I was in a foul mood, from work and had to see if you posted something haha. thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteHere in the wilds of the Nevada desert, with only the lights of the Las Vegas strip to keep us company, there are tons of coyotes. So many that our homeowners association had a meeting about the dangers of approaching them, much less feeding them. So Stewey, thank you your Mo-ther for protecting you. If you keep watering the drapes, maybe she will let you out on your own, but don't complain if you become a coyote snack.
ReplyDeleteOh Stewey, I really shouldn't read your blog posts when my family is asleep. I think I just heard an extra loud snore coming from my bedroom, which means my laughter has startled my husband.
ReplyDeleteCoyotes? Jiminy crickets! Bee pee? Who knew?!
I love this .. Stewy you must meet my Oscar and Felix -- two bad a$$ border collies who you could take under your wing and whip their mom into shape...lol
ReplyDeleteJill
http://jill-aufosstitcherstale.blogspot.com
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAnother hilarious post Coni. But poor Stewey, you cant possibly put him in knickers!What about his manhood and image with his lady friends!
ReplyDeleteFrom Karen in Australia.
@MLRichardson. I ordered my Rainforest Crunch from ABC Stitch Therapy.
ReplyDeleteConi, where did you get yours?
Oh the things we learn when reading your blog (big grin)
ReplyDeleteThanks for being a ray of sunshine to all of us.
Pierrette =^..^=
OK, Stewey -- you owe me a monitor. My current one is covered in iced tea after reading about your banishment from the camera because of sexting!!
ReplyDeleteBee-pee?? Bee-pee?? LOLOLOL!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, Stewey - If there are coyotes around, you're going to just have to get over your angst re: peeing w/ no privacy. Your Mo-ther is a wise lady to not let you out alone... My aunt's little Jack Russell (Lulu - she was gorgeous, you would've adroed her above all others in your harem, I'm sure!) became coyote dinner... it's no joke. If they can get to you they WILL eat you. I do believe you need to place a dissertation on the evils of feeding coyotes (coyotes for cryin' out loud!) in the hands of the dweeb neighbors of yours that are doing so.
Stay safe, little Stewey!
Bee pee? Really? To echo Siobhan, who knew? Well, of course Martha knew.
ReplyDeleteStewey, you listen to your mom and stay far, far away from those coyotes. They're lean, mean and hungry, and you'd be the perfect little meal. Merlin the old man cat, at his advanced age of 18, never leaves the house without proper supervision.