Feb 10, 2009


This is my boyfriend, Chef Robert Irvine. Now for those of you who actually happen to know Chef Robert Irvine, let me just say that he is my boyfriend only my own whacky little screwed up fantasy boyfriend kind of world. Yes, I am indeed on another planet, but it's OK. They know me here. (And if you're wondering why I do not call Chef Gordon Ramsey my boyfriend, it's because I have just discovered that he is only 30-something and I am not. Also, he throws things. Like Beef Wellington. And brussel sprouts.)

Almost exactly one year ago, I was a lonely Spinster sitting in her little house looking out the window. It was a cold and dreary day and when I looked at the calendar, I realized that it was Valentine's Day. I was very sad.

When the telephone rang, I figured it would be the Target Pharmacy automated voice mail message telling me that I had a prescription ready to pick up. Either that, or it would be a telemarketer wanting to know my opinions of the latest Jonas Brothers album. Either way, I wasn't exactly rushing to pick up the receiver and hit the "talk" button.

"Hello, my darling! I've called to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!"

And that's when my vision went dark, I am pretty sure I peed myself, and I fell to the floor in a state of total disbelief. It was my Robert.

*****EDITED TO ADD*****
Chef Robert Irvine really DID call me on the telephone. My friend Cheryl was attending the National Builder's Show in Orlando, Florida and he was one of the guest speakers. Knowing that I am a HUGE fan of Robert's, my friend Cheryl walked right up to him (cell phone in hand) and said "My friend Coni is a HUGE fan of yours. Would you call her to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day?" So he did. (See above for darkness, peeing, falling, etc.) She also managed to get an autographed picture of him for yours truly, but alas, it has gone missing and I can only pine for it in my pitiful little way. Sniff sniff. So Robert, my love, if you read this, please send another picture for me, won't you? Bedroom wall size would be great. Thanks.
*****END OF EDIT*****

Oh, my dearest one. Won't you please call me again? I promise not to cry this time and/or babble incoherently about how you changed my life or how I know all about Absecon, New Jersey, or how my little Stewey thinks you're too sexy for your whisk.

I'll be calm. And smart. And funny and witty and charming and everything you could possibly want in a Hoosier Spinster Valentine. I won't contemplate tattooing any part of myself with anything remotely related to you and/or your corporation Irvine Thyme, LLC. I will be respectful and engaging, and I might even tell you that I can make a pretty mean cottage pie. Pastry, however, eludes me.

So be well, my dear one. I wait with breath that is bated for the day that you return to the Food Network. I promise to dutifully DVR every episode and to give them my undivided attention. In my pajamas. With a nice glass (or bottle) or Shiraz.

Oar Vwa Me A More.


  1. OK, we got all the juicy and semi-sordid details except for why Chef Robert Irvine called you.

    Tell, tell.

  2. Gordon Ramsay was born in November of 1966, which makes him 42 years old. This surprises me - he looks way holder than my husband, who was born earlier in the same year.

    So, dear spinster, Gordon is not too young for you. Besides, what's wrong with a younger man (other than the immaturity aspect of it, and that happens at all ages with men...)?

    My husband is over 4 years younger than me; I swept him off his feet when he was a mere baby of 21... (we've been married 20 years)

  3. I see someone beat me to it. Gordon is in his 40s. Sorry to complicate things!

  4. The perfect pre-valentine post! I enjoyed reading it. It is sweet and crazy!

  5. I'm absolutely GREEN with envy! Did he really call? Please tell!
    Personally, i don't care for Gordon Ramsey- he seems very mean.
    (and this from a potty-mouth lamp thrower!)Chef Irvine, on the other hand, handles every situation with aplomb. Good Golly! You better dish, Ms.Spinster!

  6. I don't like to cook, so I don't watch the chefs, but clearly I am missing out on something. I think his neck looks thick, though (hard to buy that valentine's shirt for--oh, I know, he can hang out in the kitchen in one of those wife-beater undershirts). And the thing is, with a professional chef in the house, would one feel embarrassed that one's contribution to dinner was campbell's soup and Chex party mix?

  7. wouldn't that just add to the desirability of Chef Robert...someone to cook for you....

    tell us...did he really call you and why?


  8. Great post! He does make amazing food but Tyler Florence is mine, baby, all mine!!! lol


  9. YOU, my dear, are Hilarious! Thanks for making me smile.

  10. This is Cheryl, Coni's friend, who did meet Chef Irvine in person!! And dialed her telephone # so that he could wish our wonderful friend Ms. Coni Rich a Happy Valentines Day! We ate a wonderful lunch that he made for us (a group of about 200 of us) and it was the best lunch ever!! Then we hung out after to get his autograph, and such!! And oh yeah....Coni can't stand this part, but I got a nice hug and kiss from him, and he smells SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!!!! You can see my post about it here ... http://worldaroundcheryl.blogspot.com/search?q=chef+irvine+orlando+fl