Bit of a stormy commute today, but I am all hooked up and ready to go...armed with HGTV on the TeeVee thingie and a few day's worth of newspapers to catch up on.
Yesterday was a recovery day, for sure. Most of the meds started to wear off at about 10 in the morning and I went to the big girl sleigh bed for a nice loooong snooze. I suspect that steroids and adrenaline were the only thing that had me upright from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning, but no worries....my mental state is still oddly great.
You are probably the only ones who will understand this, but I have not felt this calm, happy, and peaceful in about 20 years. The freak show in my head packed up and left town sometime Sunday night and has not made an appearance since. I feel amazingly like my old self again....clear eyed, organized, hopeful, and in charge of my emotional state.
In other words...bliss.
(Or probably just prednisone-induced euphoria.)
It doesn't take a team of priests or psychiatrists to explain this...the last many years of my life have been so completely beyond my control that I spun myself into a hot mess trying to figure out what big thing was going to fall on my head next. I felt like I was Helen Hunt dodging cows in a tornado, but my cows were things like losing a house, losing Stewey, waiting for a kidney...everything really, and all the while trying to figure out how I could stop wallowing and pay more attention to all of the incredible blessings of my life.
And then, just when I thought I had a handle on it, a new twist would come along and remind me just how utterly insignificant my ability is to control what's coming.
It took an awfully long time for me to figure this out, but once I realized just how little control I have over things, and how doubt and fear and wanting to be in charge of the timing of everything is really just my big fat ego run amok...it kinda all started to make sense to me.
Surrender is a wonderful thing, I guess, once you realize that you can only do so much. I am compliant, following directions, and trying to be careful, but the date and time of when I will get a new life is just. not. up. to. me.
If my dear dad were here, he would tell me that if I had paid attention in college and actually read all of those Great Books, I would have known that this is the very essence of Faith, and I could have been happy and free of the freak show a long time ago. Now I'm starting to understand why he was able to navigate the world the way he did...he knew that he had a responsibility to be a good, decent, kind, helpful, productive person and that he was going to make mistakes along the way, but there was no such thing as bending the world to his will. He relied on his Faith to get him through and not his ego.
(Whoops...sorry. Went on a little 'round the bend there.)
So I've had my kidney transplant practice round, and now know all of the things to expect and what works and what doesn't. How many people can say that?
(And yes...in case you're wondering...I am writing all of this down and am going to put it into a book that will help other transplant patients know what to expect. It won't be medical advice, but rather mundane things like what to put in your hospital go-bag and simple checklists to use when you get THE CALL.)
My gosh! You give me one kidney/no kidney almost transplant and I go philosophical and start writing long blathery blog posts and have probably lost you already!
So we'll change the channel to stitching.
I have Sara's gift about 80% complete! I finished the big "&" last night and started on the Mr and Mrs. I need to chart out the kids' initials and date and add that, and then it will be finished and ready to frame just in time for the shower on the 22nd.
Tomorrow, I am hoping to get some things organized for the auctions, Fall stitching, and some things I need to ship off hither and yon, and I'm also going to try to journal my wips.
(Stay tuned...that should be quite interesting!)
So, Dearies, that's all the news from here. I am physically feeling much better and slowly getting over this cold/flu thing, and mentally/emotionally feeling like the old old old me.
I hope this finds you happy and safe and having fun! Come tell me all about it!
Good Morning! I'm so happy to read those words and hear that you are finding peace! It is wonderful to know! I truly believe everything happens for a reason and in God's timing! Your words are very wise. Sending love and happy vibes!
ReplyDeleteWhat an inspiring post to read this morning, Coni! Sending you hugs, love, and more hugs your way. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteSo are you saying you DIDN'T get a transplant?? I was so hoping...
ReplyDeleteI am committing these words to memory. Thank you for sharing your (hard learned!) life lessons.
ReplyDeleteConi, there is little I can add to all the wonderful words already expressed. Faith, can be difficult at times, but once you have it, you won’t let go. God bless you , Coni, and your beautiful circle of friends.
ReplyDeleteYou are truly an inspiration. ❤️
I am so glad you are finding something positive to do after this experience. I’m sure a “Tips” book for other patients waiting for a transplant will help enormously. As always, good luck to you and yours. May you all be at peace. Prayers and good wishes.
ReplyDeleteConi, I’m so happy you’re feeling good mentally. That was quite the roller coaster of a weekend you had. I’m sure your parents and Stewey are up there helping you through this, as they will be when your new kidney gets here. In the meantime we’ll all just keep praying. Much love, Lenore.
ReplyDeleteHi Coni!! I have followed you for years but this is the first time I have commented. I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well despite the disappointment of the failed transplant. But now you absolutely know what to expect and I am certain that a kidney with your name on it, you will be ready!! - Cindy
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful and inspiring post. I'm happy that you're so optimistic and at peace. I love your idea to put all your experiences together in a tip book for other transplant patients. Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. You continue to be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMary
All things happen for a reason, Stewey is looking after you - he knows. Acceptance is waving goodbye to stress and you have a new focus, determination even. Very inspiring and you are a pretty stron lady! Looking forward to your new stitching and the feenees that will be romping along. All the best xxx
ReplyDeleteLet go and let God!! Best way to get through this crazy life. We are just passing through to a better place. Blessings to you daily!!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself again. The transplant hand guide book sounds like a super idea!
ReplyDeleteFaith is the only way my parents got through everything with me and all my catastrophe's when I was a kid and with my brothers and sisters through our entire lives. Especially when we were teenagers all year apart in the 1970s & all of us thinking we knew more than our parents and every other adult on the face of the Earth. LOL I can remember waking up in the hospital seeing my mom sitting there crocheting with a really goofy look on her face. I thought she was happy that I was in the hospital. Oh yeah I was wrong she was relying on God not only get her through but to get me through this & everything else. I'm still going thru a lot of chronic illness & chronic pain. I have to believe got my God knows better than I do because I don't know a dang thing & always screw it up & make myself nuts too. Just rest in the Lord CONI for he IS good his mercy is new every day ~
ReplyDeleteI know so very much of what you are going through - my dear hubby is up at dialysis right now. His kidney failure happened about two years ago and definitely threw us for a loop. And we had prior had our beautiful grandson become paralyzed after a horrific high school football injury, spend his senior year in hospitals and rehabs, wind up going to his first year of college in a wheelchair, not being able to hold up his head or write - but V-E-R-Y gradually come back to being able to walk again and has just graduated with his Masters degree. So I can tell you that I truly do not know how people survive this life without faith.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also truly feel for you about losing your precious Stewie. Have been there, too! Not being presumptious, but have you thought about adopting another little pet guy? There are just so many in the shelters who would appreciate even the smallest bit of love and care. My daughter and her family had to put their 13-year old Jack Russell, Snoopy, to sleep - lots of tears all around. But she recently came across a puppy Australian blue cattle dog who had been abandoned and would up adopting him. He is now named Arlo and rules the roost!
So I wish you well on your journey.
This was a great post to read. I don't care what Betty says, but you have handled all that life has thrown at you with more grace than almost anybody would. I'm hoping that you get your kidney soon and can put all this behind you.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that! I think that writing a book for those on the transplant list would be an amazing help to them!
ReplyDelete