Well, here we are on a Tuesday, Dearies.
I can't really talk about the last four days, because I haven't yet figured out just what in the heck happened. Suffice it to say that I went on a food binge of epic, salty proportions that ended up as a sixteen pound weight gain.
(This is where you shake your head in utter disgust and ask me why I think it's OK to self-sabotage when I'm an inch away from getting a new life.)
(Because that's what I did all night long in the big girl sleigh bed.)
(I came up with absolutely nothing, by the way, other than feelings of complete shame, embarrassment, and the humiliation that I can't seem to get rid of this particular demon, despite a life-long attempt to do so.)
Treatment yesterday was brutal and probably more than a little dangerous, but I came home at 112kg...right back on goal.
(And then I did it again and ate and ate and ate until I finally went to bed and had a good long cry, a few seconds of feeling sorry for myself, and then a long night of navel gazing.)
It's not easy to admit that you completely suck at something, or to confess your humanity in front of people that you utterly love and respect and adore, but sometimes exposing your vulnerable big fat underbelly is exactly what you need to do to move on.
I obviously have a problem that runs much deeper than being able to stay on a diet. Just what the heck that problem is, though, is completely beyond me, and as soon as I get over being ashamed about it I might be able to fix it. (The shame comes from feeling like a woman with two Virginia hams under her arms complaining that she has no bread. And I absolutely positively can't stand that feeling.)
Today is a new day. I am focused and back into paying attention mode and will have my egg white thingie in a few minutes and then vegetable soup later tonight. On Thursday, I'll talk to Dr Melfi about all of this and see if we can't have a good long sort out of the freak show in my head. In the meantime, I am just going to concentrate on seeing Dr Goggins (the kidney surgeon) a week from today down in Indy and letting him know I am ready to go.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!
Today will be quiet, a chance to catch up on newspapers that I haven't read, laundry sploshing, and stitching. It's lovely and sunny outside, but a bit chilly, so I might try to walk a bit for some fresh air if the mood strikes.
I finished the flower last night on the Ehrman Tapestry, and am still just completely tickled by how much this has blown my skirt up!
My sister and I were talking about stitching the other day, and we both commented that colder weather makes us want to stitch canvas things. I never really thought about it before, but it does seem that I kind of hanker for needlepoint more in the winter for some reason.
Does anybody else feel that way?
Pretty Pumpkins are still next to the Happy Chair, so I might decide to play with them a bit later:
The little pouch is from Erin Condren...I think she calls it a planner pack? It has an elastic on the back that attaches to the front of your day planner, but I'm using is as an an accessory pouch for Pumpkins because it's orange:
So that's your Spinster's happy life for the day. A little drama, a little laundry, a little soup, and a whole lot of stitching.
Just how we like it!
Do everything you want to today and nothing you don't and come tell me all about it!
No one here blames you. I completely understand, because I too am guilty of binge eating. For me, it is often triggered by stress or feelings of being deprived. You have most definitely been under a lot of stress. I would hope that you could find consistent and reliable stress releaesers. Stitching, walking, swimming, prayer, reading, etc. When I saw your platter for Saturday I was greatly afraid for you. I love you, Coni, and I know many other people out here do too. God bless you Coni.
ReplyDeleteConi, please be kind to yourself. From previous posts it sounds like you have lost the weight by being very restrictive, and that's not sustainable long term. Not because you are weak but because you are human and we aren't built for long-term suffering! Make sure you are eating enough that you don't feel deprived and you'll be less likely to binge. We're cheering for you!
ReplyDeleteYour human Coni and remember today a a new day.
ReplyDeleteDear Coni: It's all about fear I thinks (Course I got my Therapy degree the same place I got my law degree... Toys R Us). Breathe and speak with Dr. M she will work with you.
ReplyDeleteRuth in Oxnard CA
Good luck Coni, move on to the new day and don't look back. You can do this and sustain this. Love the tapestry. I have just started doing it again myself with a trammed tapestry kit to ease me in...Robyn Sydney Australia
ReplyDeleteGentle and socially distant hugs!
ReplyDeleteno more fasting. it brings on binges - been there, done that. Slow and steady wins the race. all of this shows your human side. Many of us have the same issues, just not brave enough to tell anyone. Have a safe drive down to Indy. There are lots of rules here. Bring more than 1 mask. Eating places have reduced spaces, also closing early. All schools are required to be virtual by Thanksgiving. It's a mess down here and we aren't even a red county. PLease be careful.
ReplyDeleteHi. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Shame and guilt are useless feelings. I recommend you go to www.Phil-n-phat.com and take the free weight Loss course with Corrine Crabtree. It will give you a whole different perspective, I believe. It has changed my thinking in so many positive ways. Try it and see if it works for you. As always I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteConi - The food binging has to do with control. Nothing but food is IN your control. (I have the same problem.) I keep telling myself that if food is the only thing in my life right now that I can control....control it I will. I've got to say that it takes a lot of mental strength and I fail miserably at times. Just know that while your bum kidney is controlling you now, with a little food control on your part, once you get a new kidney, you'll be in control of more things. It is so hard not being in control of your life...I totally understand. Sending good vibes your direction kiddo.
ReplyDeletePamela - Tucson, AZ
Two things: 1) If losing weight were easy, everyone would be thin and there would be no obesity problems in this country. I've lost 100s of pound, but it's mostly the same 20 over and over. 2) Studies have shown that if you constantly deprive yourself of something, you will eventually give in and go the other way whether that's salty foods or shopping or whatever. Stress doesn't help. You'll have to find your balance. I can't begin to make food or diet recommendations because of your situation, but you've got people for that. Let them help you. We're all rooting for you. I love watching your stitchy progress!
ReplyDeleteThis is a new day. And look, you are back on track already. Let those doctors help you. Don't forget to ask for their help though. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your rollercoaster ride. The bare bald truth is that we all have conditioned responses that have been with us since we were able to walk and getting to the root of that conditioning is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD. Shall I repeat that? It is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD. I didn't know him personally, but I'd be willing to bet that even Albert Einstein, one of the most intelligent individuals ever to walk on the planet, likely had conditioning that he couldn't overcome. The point is, you're not alone. This happens to everyone almost daily. They ask themselves why...WHY???...they couldn't just do a or b or c or NOT do e or f or g? Especially when they know it isn't good for them or their relationship or their sanity......but they just can't change the behaviour. So, chin up, Coni. Tomorrow is another day.
ReplyDeleteI do have a Pooh-thinking-place kind of question for you. Realistically, you probably don't really have a diet that is too different from other people. I don't think you eat too much. I do wonder about your temperament. I think you are a very sensitive individual and wonder (and again I want to stress that this is a question....NOT an accusation) if you might have boundary issues. If you do, is it possible that maybe, just maybe, losing weight especially when you get to a certain point.....not a certain number intellectually, but a certain physiological point, that you then begin to feel more vulnerable? The mind-body connection IS a thing, so maybe having some extra weight (physically) provides you with a physical boundary to help with managing the mental-emotional boundary issues. It's just something to ponder. And maybe to discuss with Dr. Melfi.
We are all rooting for you, Coni!
Your feelings are really understandable, but I hope you can be kind to yourself as well. You're back on track, and it is a new day. I hope talking to your Dr.Melfi will help also. I love seeing your stitching progress. I pray for you daily. Take care.
ReplyDeleteMary
Never look back, only forward, it was a bump in the road. I’m sure it had more to do with Stewey’s anniversary date than a lack of anything on your part. You have a lot of unknowns and “hanging chads” in your life right now. Hang in there kitten, you got this ♥️
ReplyDeleteConi, talk to Dr Melfi by all means, but what does your dietician suggest? Was the fasting the dietician's idea? It sounds to me as if your body and brain were screaming out for a return to a more normal intake and then overshot almightily. That's why crash diets don't work and aren't sustainable. You need to eat plenty of whatever foods are appropriate for your health condition and just be strict about avoiding all those that you know are doing you harm. If you can satisfy the hunger you will be less likely to want to binge and less likely to overdo it as badly when you do have a lapse. (You are human. You will lapse.)
ReplyDeleteNever look back, only forward, it was a bump in the road. I’m sure it had more to do with Stewey’s anniversary date than a lack of anything on your part. You have a lot of unknowns and “hanging chads” in your life right now. Hang in there kitten, you got this ♥️
ReplyDeleteNever look back, only forward, it was a bump in the road. I’m sure it had more to do with Stewey’s anniversary date than a lack of anything on your part. You have a lot of unknowns and “hanging chads” in your life right now. Hang in there kitten, you got this ♥️
ReplyDeleteConi, I think that you are not in denial that you have a problem and that is a big step. I am a firm believer that you can't deny yourself of foods you like, otherwise when you fall off the wagon you go overboard. It is eating in moderation, not denying yourself. I can definitely relate to you. I was hospitalized 3 times this summer and had major surgery. I lost 35 lbs and vowed to lose more, but now time has been passed and I am back to my old ways. I just want to see you get your kidney and get healthy and love yourself.
ReplyDeleteEven though you present a positive, cheerful view of your life, we are all aware of how debilitating dialysis is and how frightening it is waiting for a kidney to be available and for you to be ready. At the same time, you have achieved a level of comfort in your present situation, which is a good thing. What happens when you get that kidney? Do you continue as you are? Do you feel you then have to live a life to justify getting the kidney? Do you have to make big changes in your life? Change is scary. Sometimes no matter how difficult a current situation is, we find it more comfortable than jumping into the unknown. Self-sabotaging keeps us where we are, rather than facing change and the unknown, regardless of how much better it might be. Speaking from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteJust know that getting the new kidney means nothing has to change except no more dialysis, you feel better and live longer. You can stay just as you are. Or make changes if you want to. You can decide later. And you can change your mind.
Just my thoughts. Wishing you only the best in life. Love your blog, stitching, etc.
We with weight issues have all been there. You're doing the right thing by getting up, dusting yourself off and starting anew. You'll do it and all of us are in your corner! Take good care dear Spinster! Luv, m 🐕🐶💐🌸💮🏵🌹🥀⚘🌷🌼🌻🌺🍁🍂🦃
ReplyDeletePlease all of you read up more on fasting. Properly thought out intermittent fasting is not the same as crash dieting. There is nothing wrong with controlled fasting either physically or mentally as it is what the human body evolved to be able to survive with. In fact there are an enormous number of health benefits to it such as being able to reverse type 2 diabetes and improve cholesterol levels.
ReplyDeleteIf you are having difficulties losing weight, it is one of the easiest ways to do it because apart from anything else you're not constantly having to think about food and asking yourself what you can and can't eat. WIthin reason, if you fast alternate days for example, you can eat pretty much what you want on the food days and still lose weight. It's also a good way to maintain weight loss achieved by simply making the intermittent fasting less frequent.
As for the myths, most people don't feel hungry when they fast, unless they tell themselves they will. Most people have plenty or even more energy than usual - if they faded away with exhaustion from missing a couple of meals our ancestors would not have been able to hunt for the next and the human race would have dies out. You don't burn muscle - why would you when fat is far more accessible to the body and that accessibility is why your body stores excess calories as fat.
Whatever the reason for Coni to be binge eating, it's unlikely to be because she is using fasting as part of her necessary weight loss programme and to have put that much weight on over such a short time, and lost it again, is fluid not food.
Oh dear. I hope you get the mental thing figured out. A couple possibles to consult with Dr M - Is it possible waywayway deep down somehow you don't think you deserve a new kidney? And are you afraid that once you do get a kidney, something will go wrong? Also, keep in mind the kidney doctor has probably had many prior patients with the same roller coaster weight gain/loss issues. He(?) probably understands more than you think he does, but he still has to be tough in order to get best transplant outcome.
ReplyDeleteThe fasting thing - yes intermittent is not the same as the weeks on end deprivation so many dieters do. Not only does weeks on end deprivation not give good weight loss results long term, it also permanently changes your metabolism, and not in a good way.
Rooting for you to get this figured out!
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way, Coni! Please be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteSending more hugs up from Virginia with Robin's. I think all the stress that yo are under with COVID on top is bound to make you feel a bit out of control. Hang in there, we all have faith in you. Hopefully, when you talk to your doctor, you two can come up with a way to slow down the chaos. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteFear is a powerful thing if you let it be. It is scary for you with the "new life" right in front of you! It is the unknown! You have the situation you are in right now and have been for awhile therefore you are comfortable with that known. Call your doctor and talk to her/him (dr. Mallik?) and say you are afraid of the new future, the unknown. You are just like everyone else! Think of it as your stitching. Every new project in front of you when you looking at it, do you worry about if you will frame it or not? Are you afraid of completing it because then what? No, you start it, one stitch at a time finding wonderful things about it----how the color of the thread works with the fabric, plays with the light, how every stitch reveals more of the design! Life is the same way! Every moment reveals something new to us. Do not be afraid! You can do this! You have the biggest support group ever. We are not going away.
ReplyDeleteIt's a new day and you're back to healthy eating. That's the important thing. I guess you are close with your sister again? I must have missed a few posts along the way. I thought the two of you had become estranged.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
I have to agree with some of your "fans", lol. (I'm one too!) I think you are very wary of change. Look how long it took you to get used to the move to the new flat. It's OK, fear of the unknown. It keeps us safe, but we could miss out on something better. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You can do it, Coni. Much love xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to try to diagnose why people binge eat. It's enough to know you do it. My only advice would be to talk to the good doctor and perhaps she can offer strategies that help. Meanwhile, don't be too town on yourself, lapses happen to everyone.
ReplyDeleteBinge eating happens. You had several events happen at once and it is hard to separate and deal with each one individually...so you binge eat. I do it, I have done it, and I hope that I never do it again, but I probably will. I have heart problems, rather arteries in my my heart problems, and the last time I binged, my chest hurt :( I had a heart attack 7 months ago and then a by pass. I need to change for the better or else. I know I need to change my lifestyle and change it consistently, but I don't. I can give you advice on how to solve your problem, but it is hard to solve my own. We need comfort, understanding, a little judgement, and support. Maybe you should look into getting another dog. No, it would never replace Stewey, but that might be a good thing. Nothing replaces the one we lose, I don't think it works that way, it just serves as a replacement, a fill-in, so there isn't an empty space. Like the seat-fillers for the celebrities during events. Sorry to ramble on. Take care, keep on keeping on, and prayers for peace. Lisa
ReplyDelete