Jan 21, 2020

THEY REALLY SHOULD MAKE PILLS FOR THIS...EPISODE SEVENTY-FOUR

I promise you, Dearies, that if I live to be a thousand years old, I will never figure myself out.

As you might know from reading this here blog, I have a propensity to swing between comatose and weeping, to manic and running around with my hair on fire. The is just NO IN BETWEEN with me. Never was, never shall be.

I also have the propensity to OBSESS over stuff to the point of distraction. Again, no sense of dipping my toe or taking baby steps on anything I'm worried about or need to do. It's ALL IN, Baby!

This morning started with me in the Happy Chair wringing my hands over the state of CS2, my hair situation (both thinning and facial), soot damage, a clogged drain, an out of date planner, Mount Laundry, and various and other sundry things. I wrang and wrang and wrang my hands until they were raw, but despite this, not one magic elf showed up to fix my life for me.

Damn magic elves.

So I did what an self-loathing/respecting spinster would do. I got paper and pencil and started listing all of the crap buzzing around in my tiny little brain that has been threatening to make me forget both my middle name and Social Security number.

(I operate on the Kelly Bundy method -- for every new thing that enters my brian, at least one old thing has to come out because there's just not a lot of room in there.)

The apartment situation is basically this: I would like it to be as clean and sterile as an operating room in here, but I just don't have the physical wherewithal to do this anymore. The days of being able to scrub a house from top to bottom like an Amish woman are just over for me. Period. I have tried and tried and tried to pretend like it isn't so, but the fact of the matter is that I am just not physically well enough (at this moment) to he able to clean my own house anymore.

Why this completely mortifies me is beyond comprehension, since I have, on more than one occasion, begged friends and family to hire help, since I knew they were struggling. I have absolutely zero judgement of anybody who employs a cleaning lady, but I somehow missed the part of the equation in which it's OK for ME to do so,

My first concern was the expense. I am on a ridiculously tight budget and am trying my very very best to use my resources as well as I can. I gave up the salon and other fun things in an effort to be more careful, but I think I have finally come to the conclusion that shifting some dollars to a cleaning company is not a luxury at this point...it is a necessity.

So I waived the white flag of surrender and the Cottage Care crew will be here on Friday.

This, of course, meant that I had to do something about that drain, so I high tailed it into the bathroom and fixed it. Just sat myself down on the side of the tub and got my Dollar Store gizmo out and unclogged that drain like I knew what I was doing,

Done.

Then, because I was there, I grabbed the Mr Clean and the sponges and spray bubbles and brushes and whatnot and I cleaned that damn bathroom to within an inch of its life in some kind of trance that was mixed with fury and shame that it had been allowed to get that far onto my last nerve.

From there, I sorted and started laundry and then I planted myself at the dining room table with my planner and I went to town, I glued and stickered and wrote and decorated and pasted until it was finally in order and all of my appointments and to-dos and lists and other little Post-Its were in their right place.

You would think that this would have been enough to get me calmed down, but before I knew what was really happening, the Christmas decorations were down and put away....with the exception of the three little lit trees that are going to stay right where they are with their little happy lights twinkling at me in the evenings.

Next Tuesday I'm going to get my damn hair cut and my damn face waxed and I'm going to do my level best to keep up with it because I know that if I do so it will make me feel better about myself.

The hardest part of all of this has been the conversation in my head about indulgence, being spoiled, guilt, slacking, being frivolous, etc. But I have to confess that there is a small part of me that says "Hang on just a minute. You have some majorly big stuff going on right now that you need to focus on. Going to and getting through dialysis and taking care of yourself physically should be your only priority right now. And if doing that means you need to off-load every other thing flitting about your brain, then you need to do so. You're not being lazy or selfish or stupid...you're being healthy and smart. And, when you get a new kidney and you are physically able to do so, you can go right back to being a maniac and stress over the smallest and dumbest of things. Right now...you do not have the luxury of doing that. Enough."

Isn't it a shame that the advice I would give my best friend never seems like advice I could give myself? Like I'm not worthy of the same acceptance and encouragement I would extend to a stranger?  Hmmmmm. More things to ponder with Dr, Melfi.

So.

I am now sitting in the Happy Chair feeling organized and in control and peaceful. The big hard things that were bothering me are now tamed. The soot damage will be remedied with the cleaning service and eventually by an upholstery cleaning company, and I will save up for some battery operated candles that I can enjoy them without worry. The hair situation will be fixed with Misses Brandi and Jenn and their expert skills, and I will make an effort to apply a little lipstick every now and then to remind myself that I am, in fact, a woman.

JB is ready for a bite to eat, so I suppose I should close for now. Thank you for indulging my insanity, Dearies. Please be gentle with yourself...I know I'm going to try.


22 comments:

  1. Yay for you, Coni!!! I am glad to hear you have tamed the beast! I, too, suffer the same voices....hmmmm, could it be the name? haha! Take care and enjoy those twinky lights. I still have mine up on the fireplace and a tall skinny tree in my kitchen. Heck with what others say, I LOVE it! Have a happy day and week!

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  2. Sending you a hug, dear Spinster. You are fabulously articulate. I'm not sure I could have given as good a description of the insanity that comes upon one sometimes (fellow sufferer here). Keep taking care of yourself so you are ready for that kidney when it comes!

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  3. Well done. We seldom practice the advice we give to others, so it happens. I didn't have a cleaner because I knew I'd clean everything before the person came - so money wasted! Then I became a cleaner and worked for about 2 months and then broke my ankle. The company refused to pay for the work I'd done until we said we'd take legal action and then got a very small pay packet eventually. So kudos to all cleaning ladies out there - it's very physical and hard work and the amount of time (or deadline) is very small before they are off to the next job. In that short time I learnt a lot. Then I found a girl who has a cleaning company in Toronto - oh boy did I refer to her book a lot! She's on Youtube too. Who needs expensive cleaning things when vinegar and bicarb work! It's called Clean My Space - I think she has been going much longer than Mary Condo (dunno about that one - I refuse to conform to perfection hahaha).
    You take care of yourself and that is most important! xx

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  4. I suspect that you're going to hear a lot of us admit that we have exactly the same voices in our head, Coni! And boy, when those damn magic elves do eventually turn up I'm probably going to be so cranky with them that I'll just tell them to bugger off! LOL

    Megan
    Sydney, Australia

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  6. God Bless. Love, hugs and prayers. Cathryn

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  7. Great job getting it together. I am curious though. Since you mention J.B. being ready to eat, I am wondering where he was during your cleaning and unclogging. I know. I am being ugly and maybe a little "un-nice." And I know you are probably like me and don't want to depend on others or even ask them for help. But...

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  8. i have a wonderful lady who comes for three hours every two weeks. it has made a huge difference because she does the heavier work that i can no longer do--no excuses are necessary--especially when you are dealing with difficult health issues.

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  9. If I was there with you right now, I would just give you a big hug. Won't solve a thing but it sure helps to smooth over those rough spots. You are dealing with a lot. I personally think that making lists and writing other things down helps us to remember all those other little things that still must be done.

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  10. Always be kind to yourself. Money comes and money goes. Life is short and you are the most important person in the world. Remember that only you know what you need so do what you need to do.

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  11. Coni, you need to be kind and forgiving to yourself. At this time in your life, staying physically and mentally healthy is and should be your top priority. If that means you need to ask for and accept help, then do it and don't feel guilty about doing so. We are our own biggest critics. Thinking of you!

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  12. What a great post! From chaos to calm. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

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  13. Good for you Coni! You save your energy for more important things!

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  14. I'm rooting for you fine lady! My own son had to convince me that at nearly 74, I have every right to find that I can't do things like I used to. I can't keep up any longer. That includes the housework also. So, you aren't alone. Again though! The way you're now thinking is great. Take the load off and concentrate on what really matters, which is your health.

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  15. I have a Dr. Melfie too and I go over and over (It seems) these same issues... feelings of deserved"ness", feelings of needing a small bit of pampering to make me feeling womanly and in charge. When I get my hair cut and my nails done... I feel hopeful and positive and for me that's okay.
    Ruth in Oxnard CAlifornia

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  16. *applause* Flawless reasoning, so glad you're finally putting being kind to yourself into practice! I'm the same way, so I really do get it, and how hard it is. Keep up the good self care!

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  17. Coni . . . with each day, I learn more about "balance". I'm older than you, but I continue to work on this premise . . . "Stress comes from trying to do it all myself; peace comes from putting it in God's hands; and, finally, sanity comes from balancing and adjusting this axiom as my abilities change." Last week, for the first time since babyhood, I failed to "make it to the bathroom in time," so now, it seems I must make yet another "adjustment". Ha! Love you, Coni.

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  18. O precious one, you solved your dilemma, clever you, by allowing your sound reasoning to sweep over you as you would have it to a friend....There is something else going on that is not discernible, but you may know what it is that is at the heart of your discontent and concern. find it .. Getting your grooming on track and ordering your planner toward peace is a step in the right direction to dissipate some of it. The cleaner will clean, the upholstery will be restored and the burden will be lifted. Coni dear, without a plumbing license, you performed a tub miracle, then turned around and sanitized the rest of the room...Need I say more in the realm of self-sufficiency and determined accomplishment?
    Those timed/battery operated candles should do the trick.
    You are surrounded by prayers and high regard....

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  19. Good for you. And a big hug to you for comfort and support, even if it's just "thru the ether". So glad your day turned out so well.

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  20. I went through the same feelings when I finally broke down and hired Cleaning Ladies. IT'S THE BEST THING, THE VERY BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE!!!!!! (Yes, I'm shouting.) I can't believe the pressure it has taken off my shoulders, because I truly was distraught over my failure at keeping the house clean. I just couldn't do it because it caused me sooooo much pain to run the sweeper and bend and reach to dust and clean the bathroom. And you know what? I haven't had a backache or a headache since I unloaded that particular burden. I will live on beans before I ever give up my Ladies!

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  22. For many years I suffered from intense back pain which sometimes could not move. I practiced judo for more than 15 years of my life and at the end, back pain took me to all kinds of physical activity. A year ago my pains disappeared after using Doctor James herbal mix medicine thanks to his-natural treatment I found on the internet which anyone can contact him on his Email@drjamesherbalmix@gmail.com. At least his treatment cured me completely. Hopefully it will be helpful for you as it happened with me. Dr. James herbal medicine is made of natural herbs, with no side effects, and easy to drink. If you have the same Backache or any type of human illness, including HIV / AIDS, herpes cancer,Ovarian Cancer,Pancreatic cancers, bladder cancer, bladder cancer, prostate cancer, Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Autism,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,psoriasis ,Tach Diseases,Lupus,
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