Oh, my goodness, Dearies! If I don't snap out of this...whatever...I'm in, we're going to have to put me in permanent time out.
I'm miserable. And sad. And tired. And irrationally angry.
In other words...completely not myself at all. Even Rich has commented that I seem to have been replaced with a version of myself that seems contrary to my nature...very "off" somehow and not at all interested in catering to his every whim or making the world a big fat happy chalk painting jolly holiday adventure with Bert, and the kids.
I'm blaming it on pain and anesthesia and the grinding horror of dialysis, as well as the Super Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse thingie that I completely missed because I had the covers pulled over my head for the better part of an entire weekend.
I haven't stitched, read, blogged, cooked, or slept well...a real recipe for spinster disaster if there ever was one. The Christmas decorations are still up, my apartment is a filthy mess, and my laundry is in shambles.
About the only thing I have going for me is that I'm clean and well-showered, which my techs do truly appreciate. My legs might be a bit stubbly, but at least I smell Irish Spring freash.
Now after all of that, you know that I will snap out of it and return to normal soon, but methinks I am going to enjoy a bit more of a wallow before I kick myself in the heiney. A little guilt-free pity party is not going to kill me, so give me a minute to strap on my paper hat and we'll get on with it.
Somebody pass me the cake and a really big fork.
Coni, please don’t underestimate the effects of anesthesia and other drugs on your mental/ emotional health! Be gentle with yourself, ask Rich for extra hugs, whatever it takes, but please, please be gentle to you, and treat yourself the way you would treat anyone else under the same level of stress you are under.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about back your way but out here, the Cheesecake Factory delivers.... ;) Gentlest hugs to you :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with mskathk --- be easy on yourself. You've been through a tremendous amount of stress and pain and you are doing better at handling it all than 99% of us would. Please know that you have many prayers going up for you!
ReplyDeleteSo I don't think your apartment is a filthy mess. There are probably a few things out of place and that is bothering you. Put the wash in the washer and turn it on. That's done! As far as the eclipse is concerned, I set my alarm, got up, went out in 7 deg temps to look at it. There are plenty of pics on the internet that would have sufficed. As far as JB, he sounds like the average guy; they don't have a clue. Why don't you sit in a chair and binge watch something until you feel better? Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with mskathk. There's a lot going on physically, mentally, emotionallu, medically and it's all exhausting. Listen to you body and rest. Stitching, cleaning etc will wait for you. Perhaps talk over feeling like this with your caregivers and/or mod mates at the d. place. A bit of commiseration can be good and they may have some coping skills that have worked for them. Just a thought for what its worth. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with MsKathK above. As we, ummm, age, the affects can be more severe. While you are, indeed, entitled to a pity party now and again, make sure your wonderful doctor knows how you are feeling. You might also want to invest some $$ to have a house cleaner (like The Maids, etc.) in once in a while just to take the load off. You don't have to do it ALL, ALL of the time. I have finally allowed myself this..I was going to say luxury, but it really is a necessity, once a month. It certainly takes a load off. I save the heavier cleaning stuff for them. And please don't forget there are hundreds of us out here sending good vibes your direction.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better! <3 Adding a big bunch of hugs :)
ReplyDeleteI ditto the cleaning crew. Not that much money, and just having whatever is making you crazy get DONE will help you 1000%. Men truly don't have a clue, bless their little hearts, so just do what YOU need to do, Coni. You're going thru hell right now; be kind to yourself. -p.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself! Agree with all of the above comments. Do what you need to to take some of the stress off of yourself!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with everyone else here. You have been through so much and you need to realize that recovering from surgery & anesthesia takes some time, you can't be expected to be back to yourself right away.(Plus you have all the other stuff you deal with weekly.) Please try to give yourself a break, be gentle with yourself,and let your body heal and recover. Take care!
ReplyDeleteConsidering how cheerfully you describe so many things that would lay me flat on the floor kicking and screaming you are most certainly certainly entitled to a day of bitch, moan and complain. Take it easy on yourself Oh Amazing Woman!
ReplyDeleteOh Coni, sending hugs and good thoughts your way! Take care of you and the rest will fall in place. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteHow would you treat your best friend if she went through
ReplyDeleteand was going through the (*%^$#@ stuff in your life? Well..
Coni deserves the same treatment...the head talk should be
soothing, understanding, and encouraging... Let your body tell you what it needs and follow suit. You don't have to
conquer the world after what you have been through. Your home
is not a mess, but a nice lady who does a good job of cleaning once in awhile could change your outlook. Also
I'm hoping JB can be enlisted to give a helping hand in the
heavy dept. Don't nag yourself, Coni dear, you are a wonder and probably just need to adjust to all the meds and stress
and to have some idle time to make your comeback. Hugs and
prayers.
Heart heart heart and hugs. Difficult road, you're doing great, Coni. Read somewhere that depression is anger/rage turned inwards. Hope the sun shines soon.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are loved regardless of how bad of a day you are having. I have to get up and go to work no matter how bad I feel or how much I want to quit this job some days - but things evolve and get better- what do they say- this too shall pass. Smile- just for your self- because no matter how bad it might be in any given moment, I'm pretty sure there is someone, somewhere, who has it even worse. Love you and your blog!!!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I was close by, I would come over and put that apartment & laundry to rights immedidately!!!! But it's a goal you can look forward to when you feel better in a couple days. Feel better, sweet lady!
ReplyDeleteConi - I hope you are lifted by the warmth and concern expressed in the comments to your post. I have read them all and, in a world where trolls seem to reign across the internet, I find it so joyful to know that in this little pocket of cyberspace, kindness prevails.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate the effort you make to post daily. You're feeling crappy today but you still did it and, amazingly, you were able to inject humour and whimsy - and that is something that I'm sure inspires so many of your readers.
I'll repeat what I've said before: skip the cake - head straight for the chocolate! LOL
Megan
Sydney, Australia
Phooey to cleaning etc - you look after yourself first and foremost then everything else will fall into place gradually. That's one big ordeal you have suffered, not surprising you are down. But just keep chilling out for a while. Pain does make us snappy, so don't chide yourself. Lots of hugs xx
ReplyDeleteConi, I so hope that you are feeling better today. I know you are a perfectionist and it is so difficult for you to relax and let go when everything surrounding you is not exactly in its place. And I am sure that however much Rich might help, it might not be up to your standards. Sending you good vibes across the miles.
ReplyDeleteEverything imaginable has stacked up against you in one fell swoop. Hence the classic "irrational" anger. You need this time. Take it. Take more. Then reach way down. even further down, and pull out that reserve that has never failed you before. You are gonna make it. No regrets. No shame. No embarrassments.
ReplyDeleteHi. I agree with everyone else. Also, the effects of anesthesia last much, much longer than most people realize. And one of the side affects can be severe depression. Maybe mention it to your doctor!
ReplyDelete