Can we talk for a minute?
It's no secret that I am a bit nuts, but the last month or so of out of my head weeping has GOT to go. I've watched the West Wing series at least nine times, but every time it's over I am left bereft and in a massive puddle of tears and damp hankies.
Last night, though, was a total meltdown of epic proportions. It ended with me...sitting on my bedroom closet clutching Stewey's little robe and bawling my eyes out like a deranged two year old having a tantrum. (I think I wandered in there to change from my sweats into my pajamas and the sight of his little robe sent me right over the edge, but I'm not exactly sure.) All I do know is that I finally made it to the big girl sleigh bed at 4am hiccupping with eyes swollen shut and a blotchy face.
When I finally made it to the coffee pot today I decided to place a call to Melfi...my mental health guru to ask her just what the heck I could do about all of this. (Yup...here's my big confession for the day. I have been talking to Melfi for about a year to try to make sense of my stupid life.)
(It was either that or a stroke from all of the stress.)
(I opted for an hour or so every few weeks instead.)
So Melfi listened carefully as I explained that I am over the proverbial edge and round the proverbial bend and then she calmly and soothingly told me to just...be. And if that meant that I ended up on the floor of my closet watering the front of my t-shirt with snot and tears...so be it. She also reminded me that I have quite the Bermuda Triangle of crap happening to me at the moment...some of it very real, some of it physical, some of it circumstancial, and most of it in my head...but that it was happening nonetheless and the only thing I could do was control how I reacted to it.
Ahhhh, control. My evil, evil nemesis.
There isn't one single solitary lousy rotten stinking thing in my life that I can control right about now...except this:
So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wash my face and brush my hair and eat my bagel and get on with it. I have Grocery Guild tonight, and I am so looking forward to seeing my stitchy sisters, having a laugh or two, and controlling the Bejeezus outta some linen and thread, I almost can't stand it.
Thank you for listening. It's not often that I reveal my soft underbelly (despite the fact that it is about as big and obvious as a Buick), but I figured that, if nothing else, you would feel like a successful, well-adjusted, brilliant rock star by comparison. No need to thank me, kids...just here to remind you that every village needs its idiot and yours is just happy to be of service!
Melfi would probably point out that you're not the village idiot and you're being awfully hard on yourself. The stitching looks fabulous!
ReplyDeleteDearest Coni,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there to give you a hug, pat you on the back and say "there, there, everything will be alright" but alas I can't teleport. Know that I am doing so spiritually. You are still grieving the loss of Stewy and you do have so many other things on your plate. Be gentle with yourself. And you are by no means the village idiot. Your post does not make me feel like a brilliant, well adjusted, rock star by comparison. In fact it makes me feel you are a kindred spirit. Go to your Guild tonight and try to enjoy yourself. Your work is lovely.
Sandra from Texas
Sending you lots of good thoughts. I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet. It is awful. Grief comes in waves. Just keep on being good to your self. Stitch as much as possible. Don't watch things that make you cry. Find something funny to watch. Sending hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteLife is hard. I honestly don't know how people do it! There is no shame in grieving your beloved furry friend with tears and binge-watching The West Wing. Also, you are emotionally swamped with health problems and sister issues. You have a lot to deal with and you just need to do the best that you can. On the days that you are feeling slightly better, you do more because you can. On the days that you are flat on your back, you do less and are gentle with yourself. Most of all, know that you are Blogland's beloved Spinster Stitcher!
ReplyDeleteYou have pinpointed EXACTLY why I stitch. It is the one thing I can control! The fact that it has other benefits such as being an outlet for creativity and helping me find wonderful friends through my EGA chapter are extra bonuses that make me happy. I'm glad you were told to just be...your feelings are your own, and you have the right to have every one of them.
ReplyDeleteNo shame in seeking help, Coni. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over half my life, and I refuse to be embarrassed about it anymore. Mental illness is an illness like any other. And I agree with Dr. Melfi (I see what you did there!): sometimes you need to just sit and bawl. Catharsis is good!
ReplyDeleteKeep stitching and keep on keeping on. :) <3
I'm not a frequent commenter but felt compelled to say be kind to yourself. Sometimes life hands you way too many lemons than you can drink lemonade (trust me! I know this first hand!) and my own Dr. Melfi would say the same thing. Besides...this wonderful hobby is a stress relief for all of us and how else can we stab something 10,000 times, relieve stress and come out the other end with a pretty finish and a sense of accomplishment. Hang in there and big hugs!
ReplyDeleteAhhh, just let it out. I don't blame you a bit. I had a health scare in the past 2 days that scared the carp put of me until I saw the doctor. I thought of you and admired your strength. So you see, you inspire people without even realizing it. As for Stewey...I totally relate to that as well. It shows you have a huge heart! Nothing wrong with that! Nicer weather is coming so that should help improve your mood a bit. Sending kindness and warmth your way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, try binging on a fun show. May I suggest "My Crazy Ex Girlfriend"? Very cute and fun.
ReplyDeleteIs that Dr. Melfi, as in Tony Soprano' s Dr. Melfi? If it is Coni, you not as bad off as you think you are. You're a smart, capable woman who has had a shittastic year. You'll come out the other side stronger than you went in, both physically and mentally. And you're funny as hell. Xo
ReplyDeleteYou know my dear, every so often, sometimes very often, we just have to plop down on our asses and bawl our freaking heads off for a while. Take comfort in the fact that unlike me at times, you actually have a good reason...several good reasons in fact! You are facing a lot in your life, so bawl away, let the tears and snot flow enough to fill a bucket if need be and know that we are all in your corner!
ReplyDeleteSending a hug or two your way, Coni! You are a strong woman with a lot on your plate. I hope you enjoy grocery guild tonight.
ReplyDeleteI have had several "melfis" over the years. I could probably beat you on the looney scale, but who's really counting. We all need a good cry.....I, too, had one today when my children started posted silly pics of themselves as children, and I was forced to think about how fast the time has moved along and how much I sometimes long for those days back. Out of no where came lots of tears, and then I regrouped. I hope you have many laughs tonight at grocery guild, and regroup, and know that there are lots of us out here pulling for you and understanding all you are dealing with. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog off and on over the years and just wanted to say that I think that you are very brave in your honesty about how you feel right now. Virtual hugs to you as you be.
ReplyDeleteAll the above is good advice. It really helps to watch only comedies on TV.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs for a great person((( )))!!!
Coni darling Ive found that some days are just better upside down other days I just hide in the closet with a bag of chocolate & the light off.
ReplyDeleteIt'll all work out in the end.
Blessings,Baa
Ah, good advice to just be! Go enjoy your guild tonight. Sometimes just getting out of the house and being with people who have the same interests can make all the difference in our outlook. Have a wonderful night. PS if you can do Netflex, watch the season 1 of Frankie & Grace. (2 of my least fav actors but oh my goodness, the show is great) I laughed till I had to hold my stomach! There are 3 seasons, but so far the first is the best! It will put a smile on your face...I promise!!
ReplyDeleteConi, you have it together more than you think. What do you think you would be if you didn't get all the sorrow, sadness and pain out. It is healthier to get it out. I know you miss your boy so. I still cry over my passed furrballs. Tears are a sign of great love, they are the price of love. You have been dealing with a lot of major things. Keep the faith!
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking of you. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteCan I encourage everyone to go sign up with Be The Match - for Coni and everyone else who's waiting for a new part? Not trying to advertise, but to give an idea for something positive to do.
ReplyDeleteWe heart you - hang in there!
For goodness sake! Speaking about being the village idiot! I thought Anonymus was encouraging us (to include Coni) to join a dating service? I was silently thinking, "How rude!" while Googling Be the Match.....I can't believe I am admitting this.
DeleteSending lots of hugs and love, dear stitchy friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's quite alright to cry, miss your little guy, feel frustrated with fate, and also to share it all all. Be assured you're not alone and you are no idiot. You are so much stronger than you know. Sending hugs!!
ReplyDeleteEveryone's life is an emotional roller-coaster sometimes; only the dimensions differ. And the only way out is through. As you are discovering ... nobody ever said that life was fair, but as long as our coping mechanisms work at least some of the time, cope we do. So far, you're pretty well like most of us reading this. The difference is that, even if we were all successful, well-adjusted, brilliant rock stars (I wish!), we still wouldn't stitch as well as you. You give us something to aim for, and that's important.
ReplyDeleteDear Coni, Sending you a huge hug. You have so much going on in addition to losing your best pal. It takes alot of time to heal and adjust. You are amazing and so inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing and for continuing to be you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you give yourself enough credit Coni. You are a very strong, creative, funny woman who has had quite a few yucky things hit her at one time. It could be any one of us...and I just hope we would have half the of the same courage, strength and wit as you. Hang in there, don't be so hard on yourself. You will heal in time. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart, Coni. I've always been told that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Your stitchy piece is beautiful. Enjoy what you can. Do what makes you smile. Love, hugs & prayers, Cathryn
ReplyDeleteI'm wiping the tears off my fat face and wishing I could be there to make you a damned good cup of coffee and give you a perfect neck rub.
ReplyDeleteHi, I've been reading your blog and you sound like a lot of fun. However, today you probably don't feel like a lot of fun. Anywho, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and plugging along.
ReplyDeleteI hope your trip to Grocery Guild helped put a smile on your face. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes we come up against something in our lives that we just can't get around. We can't buy, cry, whine, talk or beg ourselves out of it. The realization that the only way forward, is to go through it, is terrifying. I call it hitting the wall. No one can do it for you; all the love and support in the world doesn't change the fact that you alone have to do this thing.
ReplyDeleteYou, my dear, have hit the wall. Whatever helps you complete this challenge is up to you, be it crying, stitching, blogging - they all are ways to help you accept what you must. Do this thing, and come out on the other side stronger and healthy.
Hope your outing to Grocery Guild improved your spirits. Just try to take things one day at a time. Thankfully, stitching has a way of relaxing people. I know it does, for me. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
Hang in there Coni..and as the phrase on my coffee mug states" This, too, shall pass". You have an awful lot on your plate right now,,just take a day at a time and I promise, you will make it through,,and as for being an idiot, no idiot could write as well as you do..you have a real gift..you make my day each and every time I read your blog!!You GO Girl !!!
ReplyDeleteoh, our Coni, I cannot imagine a year filled with your
ReplyDeletetrials while stuffing it down and beaming with smiles ..
but you held up and when you had to, you let go, took leave on the sleigh bed, created beauty, shared great
humor, then bounced back...Why you bemoan pulling up the covers and stopping the world for awhile perplexes me...
What you are experiencing is so human, so understandable.
The working through, I hope, is enhanced by this circle of
loving Friends who admire you so and reach out to you in
love and comfort. The Guild tonight should lift your spirits and redirect your hopes...The good Dr. is correct.
Just be...for what you are and how you manage is just wonderful.....
Oh Coni, I do know what you are going through. It is perfectly normal to be going on with life and then something will smack you when you least expect it. Grief after you lose someone is damned hard, it doesn`t matter if they were human or not. I still grieve the loss of every pet I have had, it just gets a little less intense. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself and do what you enjoy for distraction. It will get easier. ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to cry! I am glad you have someone to talk to and that good advice is provided--you are not crazy just have a shit ton of stuff on your plate.....
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the heck out of the guild.
Take care of you!
Oh dear you are not an idiot. You have a lot going on and sometimes a good cry is the only way to let it all out. Hugs and continued prayers.
ReplyDelete