Jan 24, 2012


My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's standing in the middle of her closet trying to find a new "outside" getup. The previous "outside" getup of eighteen year old sweatpants and old man slippers from the Kmarts isn't cutting it anymore, and the recent arrival of a restraining order from our municipality has finally prodded the old lady into action.

After all of the nature around here, last night's trip for a final potty included a) me on a leash, b) a huge black and white golf umbrella with a Viagra logo that can be seen from space, c) a straw hat, and d) a pair of rubber rain boots that were probably fished out of a clearance bin at the Tractor Farm and Fleet about a billion years ago.

My stupid mo-ther read every single one of your comments and immediately decided that in the unlikely event that we were confronted by an angry mob of suburban wildlife, she wanted to be prepared. For most people this would mean the addition of a sharp stick, a cell phone, and a whistle to one's sensible "outside" getup of proper underpants, a well-fitted brassiere, slacks, a suitably patterned sweater, a coat, hat, gloves, scarf, and a smart pair of all-weather loafers, but this is my mo-ther we're talking about.

So, as I'm sure you can imagine, we made quite a pair out there in the driveway in front of God and everybody, with me in my handsome little Burberry and Mo-ther looking like an escapee from the nearest mental health inpatient facility.

Needless to say, she takes every single thing you say to heart and promises me that we will be ever vigilant for vultures, man-eating deer, and any other crazy thing that decides to drop by for a snack in the wee hours of the night.

The title of this post comes from a conversation I heard (OK, monitored) between my mo-ther and my Aunt Chrissy last evening. I had been watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon, but one glimpse of Lisa Vanderpump's tiara and I was so disgusted I had to retch into my handkerchief. So when I heard Mo-ther dialing the telephone, I figured that a little listen-in would be considerably more entertaining:

MO-THER: Chellooooo, Aunt Chrissy! What did you have for dinner tonight?

AUNT CHIRSSY: I had oven baked potatoes, a boneless skinless chicken breast, and some green beans.

MO-THER: Wow. That sounds really good. And healthy. Don't you want to know what I had for dinner tonight?

AUNT CHRISSY: Not particularly, no.

MO-THER: I'm glad you asked. I had ham and cheese crescent roll ups, potato chips, and Rice Krispie treats. All I needed was a juice box and I could have been a six year old.

AUNT CHRISSY: Six year olds don't eat like that anymore. They have apple slices and low fat milk.

MO-THER: They do? When did this happen?

AUNT CHRISSY: Right about the time they got trapped behind you at the Targets and had to watch your ample rump waddle its way down the candy bar aisle in your eighteen year old sweatpants. Haven't you heard? You've become a cautionary tale.

MO-THER: I thought that was Paula Deen's gig.

AUNT CHRISSY: Nope. She's a well-paid spokesperson. You're just a chronic condition waiting to happen.

(Perhaps I exaggerate the EXACT wording for effect, but suffice it to say that there was a very long conversation in which my mo-ther tries to convince my Aunt Chrissy that ham and cheese crescent rolls ups and potato chips can be technically considered to be a protein, a carb, and a vegetable and that all meet the USDA requirements for a perfectly balanced meal.)

(As for me, I had a lovely piece of steamed fish, some quinoa, wilted Kale, and an impertinent little Merlot.)

We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming soon, I promise. For some reason, the battery on the camera didn't make it into the charger yesterday, so alas, no stitching picture updates.

Happy Tuesday, my very dear and loyal friends! Until we meet again, I remain your devoted pal,


  1. I would love to see a pic of your Mo-ther in her new "outside outfit" Stewey perhaps you would be so kind as to snap a shot of her in it for me. As for the ham n cheese crescent roll-ups. Sounds great! and I absolutely love rice crispie treats and potato chips. Not to sure about the steamed fish and quinoa (what the heck is quinoa anyway?) And I thought fish wasn't good for dogs Stewey (you should check in to that)maybe your Mo-ther could research it for you. Wouldn't want you to get sick...as the for the Merlot...well maybe it will have a calming effect on you.. and your Mo-ther can sleep through the night. Bon Appetit my furry friend

  2. Stewey - Remember, the worse she looks, the snappier you look... just saying ;)

  3. LOL at your outdoor outfit!! Mine is worse...when I sneak the garbage out the front door at 3 am in a long-ish T-shirt, Reeboks, and underpants. I expect the DOHS to call on me and deport me for indecent cellulite exposure!

    Kisses to Stewey and Bosco...

  4. Thank you Coni, Your blog is a great way to start off the day. Glad to see that you are taking some protection to ward off nature. Ham n cheese crescent rollups sound interesting - are they similar to croissants?
    I look forward to seeing some more of your splendid stitching.

  5. Keeping you safe is more important than how Mo-ther looks while doing it. If there are predators in the area, for sure you should be on a leash with Mo-ther right there to protect you.

    As for the "Wildlife"...it's fine for them to be around now, but watch your plants (especially the tender shoots and the roses) when the deer are around in the spring and summer.

  6. Oh man, I'd kill for a viagra umbrella hahahah. Great post Stewey!

  7. It sounds like a perfectly wonderful dinner to me. Mo-ther's dinner that is. But I do prefer Kool Aid to juice boxes! mmmm rice krispie treats.....

  8. Stewey, just a thought here. I have a dear friend who has her own blog. She is a lovely Chinese Crested Powderpuff and the name of her blog is,"Addy The Chinese Crested Princess". She has a wonderful thing-one of my credit card numbers. Perhaps you might make her aquaintence and she might possibly share that number with you. The reason she keeps it under lock and paw is in the event her Mo-ther does something so terrible she has a way to order a first class airline ticket to my house. I am sure ifyou explained your dire circumstances to her she would be most helpful. Lily-the Hairless Chinese Crested Princess

  9. Ham and cheese croissant roll ups and potato chips with a good juice box is perfect. Don't let the FDA fool anybody...They just want all the good food to themselves!

  10. Good heavens Stewie, Mother dresses that way to keep ALL Wildlife away.
    ALL Wildlife!!!! including the 2 legged variety.
    The sacrifices some mother's make!

  11. So Stewey's a communist?

    "Red wine with fish. I should have known." -- From Russia With Love

  12. Speaking of nature or maybe just odd outside clothing, Bigfoot sightings are pretty regular in Indiana.

    Should someone be contacting you about corroborating some dates and places? ;)

  13. Stewey....OMB my mom dresses like that when she takes me walking. How embarrassing! She says it doesn't matter because we live out in the country....but people do drive by. I am sure that they think that some poor homeless woman and her dog are living in the wild. And talking about wild the latest critter to be seen around our house is a bobcat. I make about 5 of you, but I am still scared. Hang in there and remember what they say about not being able to pick your family......I feel your pain. Your friend Scully

  14. I love your blog. It always give me a chuckle or two and today was a ROTFL blog. If we ever meet in that candy aisle, one of us will have to back out as we won't be able to pass each other. BTW, I also have a four-legged critter that barks at everything that moves (even air) and thinks my floors will look much better after a sprinkling of pee.