YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT ISSUES WHEN....

...the lovely lady at the Honey Baked Ham Company knows you on a first name basis:

HBH: Good morning, Honey Baked Ham Company. How may I help you?

SS: WOO HOOOOOOO! IT'S THE SPINSTER STITCHER CALLING TO ORDER THE 2011 OFFICIAL SPINSTER SISTERS' CHRISTMAS HAM FEAST!!!!

HBH: (turning down the volume control on her headset) Hi, Coni! You're early this year! What would you and Aunt Chrissy like to order?

SS: (realizing that hollering into the ear of the lovely lady at the Honey Baked Ham Company isn't a very nice thing to do, especially when you-know-who is recording her every move for his report to Santa Claus) Well, according to the release form I've obtained from my kidney specialists, it looks like we're going to have to go small this year. Got anything in the 22-23 pound range?

HBH: (shaking head in sad disbelief) Will there be more than two of you this year? We'd be thrilled to accommodate you, but are you sure you need 22 to 23 pounds OF HAM for just two people?

SS: (blushing furiously as she realizes that her ham addiction has been made public) Um. Gee. Er. Well....no, it's just...um....ok, it's just the two of us.

HBH: OK, dear. I'm going to put you down for a mini, OK? That way you'll have plenty for the two of you for Christmas dinner, and there will be left overs for the several dozen ham sandwiches you'll stuff into your face before New Year's. (making a note on the order form that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is the crazy spinster with the fussy little dog to be given more than a mini-ham, and if Dr. Kidney calls, they are in no way liable for the seventy two pounds of water weight that their patient will certainly gain between December 24th and 29th.)

SS: Can we have some au gratin potatoes too? And a pie? OH! AND WHAT ABOUT THE RUM CAKE!! WE NEED TO HAVE RUM CAKE!!!!

HBH: (gently, so as not to set the crazed ham-loving spinster off further) Certainly, dear. We'll have everything ready for you when you come in. Remember, though, that your sister needs to be with you so that she can help you carry everything out to your car.

(This, of course, is the super top secret agreement that was made between Aunt Chrissy and the Honey Baked Ham Company after the 2007 incident in which several innocent bystanders, and a rather large display of dinner rolls was knocked over when the heavily laden spinster tried to carry the official 2007 Spinster Sisters Christmas Feast to the car without adult supervision.)

So....as of 12:37 today we're ready.

Bring it, Christmas.

Bring it.

(P.S. Did that last part up my street cred? Hope so.)