Dec 13, 2011


...the lovely lady at the Honey Baked Ham Company knows you on a first name basis:

HBH: Good morning, Honey Baked Ham Company. How may I help you?


HBH: (turning down the volume control on her headset) Hi, Coni! You're early this year! What would you and Aunt Chrissy like to order?

SS: (realizing that hollering into the ear of the lovely lady at the Honey Baked Ham Company isn't a very nice thing to do, especially when you-know-who is recording her every move for his report to Santa Claus) Well, according to the release form I've obtained from my kidney specialists, it looks like we're going to have to go small this year. Got anything in the 22-23 pound range?

HBH: (shaking head in sad disbelief) Will there be more than two of you this year? We'd be thrilled to accommodate you, but are you sure you need 22 to 23 pounds OF HAM for just two people?

SS: (blushing furiously as she realizes that her ham addiction has been made public) Um. Gee. Er., it's, it's just the two of us.

HBH: OK, dear. I'm going to put you down for a mini, OK? That way you'll have plenty for the two of you for Christmas dinner, and there will be left overs for the several dozen ham sandwiches you'll stuff into your face before New Year's. (making a note on the order form that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is the crazy spinster with the fussy little dog to be given more than a mini-ham, and if Dr. Kidney calls, they are in no way liable for the seventy two pounds of water weight that their patient will certainly gain between December 24th and 29th.)

SS: Can we have some au gratin potatoes too? And a pie? OH! AND WHAT ABOUT THE RUM CAKE!! WE NEED TO HAVE RUM CAKE!!!!

HBH: (gently, so as not to set the crazed ham-loving spinster off further) Certainly, dear. We'll have everything ready for you when you come in. Remember, though, that your sister needs to be with you so that she can help you carry everything out to your car.

(This, of course, is the super top secret agreement that was made between Aunt Chrissy and the Honey Baked Ham Company after the 2007 incident in which several innocent bystanders, and a rather large display of dinner rolls was knocked over when the heavily laden spinster tried to carry the official 2007 Spinster Sisters Christmas Feast to the car without adult supervision.) of 12:37 today we're ready.

Bring it, Christmas.

Bring it.

(P.S. Did that last part up my street cred? Hope so.)


  1. First of all, yes I think that last bit upped your street cred, just a little. Of course being a ham fan myself and seeing that you have a first name relationship with the Honey Baked Ham lady I am definitely impressed. LOL Love your blog.

  2. Does Master Stewey like ham...just asking!

  3. Hahaha! you're so hilarious! I would have love to see those rolls go flying!..It's nice to meet a fellow klutz! My nickname is Gracie and my mom would never let me help put up or take down the decorations !
    Have a nice Christmas dinner and happy stitching!

  4. You are too funny for words! Merry Christmas to you, Master Stewey and Aunt Chrissy! Enjoy those ham sandwiches!

  5. Lord...I...can't...stop...laughing!!
    Merry Christmsas Coni, Stewey, Chrissy & Bosco!

  6. It's so sad - we have no Honey Baked Ham stores here in Canada - I checked. Surely a business opportunity for the right person.
    Enjoy your feast for all of us here in the north. Holiday wishes to you, Stewey, Chrissy and Bosco.

  7. Love the HB store-- everything is so scrumptious. And if it makes you feel any better, I have a serious issue with sweet tea from a major (ok the major) fast food chain and they know me by the sound of my voice at the drive thru window-- sad very sad- but oh so tasty!

  8. Right there with ya sista spinster! Water pills at the table, so let the good ham roll! Merry Christmas to all ham-sters!

  9. My, my, my. You are two weeks early in your planning. Stewey must be proud that you didn't wait til last minute to order dinner!