Oct 24, 2011

COACH STEWART, I PRESUME? (*)

My mom can't come to the blog right now. Aunt Chrissy and I are trying to scrape up enough bail money to spring her out of the pokey. I'm not sure what the formal charges are exactly, but methinks this weekend's mishaps might have something to do with this:



In a normal household, that picture would mean that my mo-ther was upset about the Notre Dame vs. USC game and that she went out and did something completely stupid.

But this is MY mo-ther we're talking about.

I think that the following conversation between Mo-ther and Aunt Chrissy will explain everything nicely, but you should know that it immediately preceded my mo-ther running out of here with her hair on fire screaming something about making national TeeVee by running out onto the field so as to smack the coach in the face with her lace handkerchief and then hollering "Shame, sir! Have you no shame?":

(I haven't seen her since.)

MO-THER: WHAT THE &$#!!* IS THIS $@(#*%#()@!! DOING NOW???!!!

AUNT CHRISSY: Uh-huh. (She mentally tells herself that this is going to be a very long night.)

MO-THER: OK. LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND THIS GUY. AND LET'S FORGET THE FACT THAT HE ALREADY HAS ABOUT A BILLION AND A HALF STRIKES AGAINST HIMSELF IN MY BOOK. AND LET'S ALSO FORGET THE FACT THAT I AM ASHAMED, I TELL YOU, ASHAMED !!!! THAT MY ALMA MATER COULD BE SO ABSOLUTELY FREAKING STUPIDLY DUMB AS TO HIRE THIS (BLEEPITY BLEEPITY BLEEPITY BLEEP) IN THE FIRST FREAKIN PLACE! BUT NOW HE CHANGES THE HELMETS?!!!!!!! THE HELMETS???!!!!!!!

(Aunt Chrissy thinks about trying to get a word in edgewise, but decides to just hang up and watch the game instead.) (My mo-ther doesn't even realize that she's screaming into a phone that is emitting a dial tone.)

(In the interest of not screaming at all of you, my very dear and faithful readers, can we just agree that the following rant was hollered in a very very loud voice and that my mo-ther's fat face was so red and sweaty as she was hollering all of it that I thought about calling the paramedics?)

MO-THER: The Notre Dame football helmets were iconic. As a matter of fact, part of that iconography was the fact that gold powder from the actual Dome was added to the paint every Friday night so that the players would run out onto the field with Our Lady's protection and support right there on their very heads.

(I think she made that last part up, but I'm pretty sure that you can indeed fact-check the powder part.)

MO-THER: To change the helmets is a direct offense against me, my fellow alumni, and all of the fans and family that have loved Notre Dame for years and years. To spit in the face of tradition is at once arrogant and and an egregious violation of the trust that is placed in the coach as a keeper of the history and lifeblood of a program so rich with collegiate athletic lore. And besides all of that....THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE WEARING LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS BALLS ON THEIR HEADS!!! WHAT'S NEXT? A STRIPPER POLE ON TOP OF THE DOME SO THAT THE BVM CAN TWIRL AROUND IN HER NEW G-STRING???!!!!! NO WONDER THE PLAYERS ARE FALLING DOWN AND ARE TURNING THE BALL OVER MORE THAN A NURSING HOME FULL OF RETIRED BALLERINAS!!!! THE SHINE FROM THEIR FREAKIN HELMETS IS BLINDING THEM AND RENDERING THEM COMPLETELY STUPID!!!!!

(OK. I admit. I've changed some of the words around because a) I can't even remember all of the cuss words that were flying out of the old lady's mouth, and b) you've come here to read about stitching and could probably give two hoots about football helmets. Apparently, though, this is about much more than football helmets, and I suspect that my mom will try to explain it all to you in a later post.) (Provided, of course that Aunt Chrissy and I cough up enough cash to get her out of that orange jumpsuit.)

Suffice it to say, though, that Saturday night was not at all pleasant here in Spinster's Corners, and I would imagine that the watching of anything remotely related to Notre Dame is hereby embargoed.


OK. Enough of that.

The Prairie Moon piece is now getting framed. Mom forgot to take a picture of it before she took off like a bat out of you-know-where, but I'll make sure that she shows y'all what it looks like once it's hung on the wall. (I just hope she didn't screw up the frame selection like she normally does.)

So we're on to a new project. This is Laura J. Perin's Turning Leaves and my Aunt Chrissy did a color conversion for it since Mom didn't have a lot of the called-for colors and we all know how patient she is when waiting for supplies to arrive. (Don't you just love the way Aunt Chrissy knows the absolutely perfect thing to buy for my mom to get her off the roof?) (Now if she could just figure out a way to get that damn megaphone out of her hands, we'd be all set.)

I hope that things in your neck of the woods are a lot....quieter. I'm going to enjoy some lovely Fall colors today and see if I can't absorb a little Vitamin D while I'm at it. I'll keep you posted on the whole bail money thing, but let's just say that if it took another...oh, I don't know...seven or eight days for us to come up with it, would that be so wrong?

Cheerio!

Your beloved pal,
Stewey

(*) As to the title of this post, it relates to Mom's question:

HOW MANY 50% OFF COUPONS FROM THE MICHAELS DO YOU THINK IT TOOK TO BUY ALL OF THE MARTHA STEWART CRAFT GLITTER THAT THIS JACKASS USED TO CHANGE THE COLOR OF THE NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL HELMETS?!!!











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21 comments:

  1. ROTFL!!!! Don't mess with football tradition!! I feel your pain; it was a bad weekend for us, too. =(

    Can't wait to see progress pics of Turning Leaves!

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  2. Coni --
    You are TOO FUNNY!!!! I thought the same thing Saturday night when I caught part of the game!

    I hope you have a better week:))

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  3. The man needs to be run off campus. Of all things, the helmets. Idiot.

    Waiting to see your latest work.

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  4. I had broken refrigerators, thawing late ex-MIL, and a dug up garden. It's a wonder I'm not in the pokey my own self.

    Besides, that damn rabbit would have a party with my bail money.

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  5. LMAO.... I felt the same way when they changed our Michigan State uniforms (and helmets!) to bronze, dark green, and black for the Michigan game. No sight of our block S at all. C'mon... our cheer is GO GREEN, GO WHITE, darnit! It's not GO GREEN, GO BRONZE, for Pete's sake!

    At least it was temporary.. a one game shot. Are yours?

    UGH.

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  6. Most of us here in Illinois are still appalled that the University of Illinois caved and did away with our mascot Chief Illiniwik for the sake of political correctness. Is it coincidence that our sports teams have taken a dive since then? Here in this state we endure thug politicians, dead people voting in elections and now this! I feel your pain.

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  7. I'm tired of men "ruling" the world and screwing things up. Let's start with electing the first woman president of these United States and then we'll tackle college coaches.....

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  8. Can't wait to see the Prairie Moon. I don't know much about college football, but I do know there are some things You Just Don't Mess With! Stewie, if the LJP was your idea, it was a good one! We all know a little LJP will put everything to rights again with your Mother.

    Lani

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  9. Why is it everyone wants to mess with traditions?

    Really??? the helmets??? what was he thinking? Never mind he wasn't.

    Love your post. Hope all goes well in the pokey and you get out soon.

    I can't wait to see your start to this design.

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  10. If it's any consolation I don't like our coach any better than you like yours. Even if we did win one of the two most important games of the season.

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  11. They are always changing stuff around. Anyone catch any of the WS? Why are the Cardinals (redbirds, you remember?) wearing BLUE hats?

    While I am NOT a StL fan, it is still very confusing to me. DH explained that it is only to SELL more STUFF to the silly dolts who buy it up.

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  12. Well, you will probably ban me from ever being able to leave a comment again, but I am a huge USC fan (my oldest son graduated from USC and my youngest plays on the baseball team). We even named the dog Reggie (after Reggie Bush) which was a good idea in 2005 but not so good now. So, I was happy about the football game on Saturday, and I have to say I got a big kick out of watching the ND coach go off on his players and looking miserable...sorry :(

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  13. Oh, boy, Stewey!! People do get quite hot under the collar when it comes to their football team favorite. Let's hope Mother can calm down some and get started on the LJP piece! It looks like a great one. I would take your Snuggie, some tea and cookies, and go watch the telly for a bit until Mother calms down.

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  14. Ah Stewey, orange is not a good color choice for mo-ther. Have mercy on her. Cut the week to come up with bail in half as a compromise. ;) Cathryn PS LOVE the new project. Gorgeous.

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  15. You think you have it bad??? The Maryland Terps decided to change their uniforms. They had EVERYONE commenting on them, including ESPN commentators, well-known fashion critics, and A-list celebrities. For example, LaBron James said (via twitter) "OH GOSH! Maryland uniforms #Ewwwwww!"

    Do an internet search for

    maryland football uniforms myfoxdc
    and click on the first article that comes up(they just happen to have a good set of pics).

    Or, read the New York Times article, "There’s an Exciting Clash on the Field. Oh, That’s the Uniform."

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  16. I think Maryland just doesn't want to do laundry for the team this season. They have quite a few choices. I can't imagine how many times the players will start to put on the wrong uniform.

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  17. I rarely watch football but was at a friends house and they had the ND game on... when isaw those helmets everyone in the room went WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    hahhah I had no idea until your post it was that unusual.

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  18. Coni,

    DH totally agrees with you and think they look real sh---y. But he said to tell you he is still an Alabama fan anyway.

    Mary in TN

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  19. Right there with you. Ok. States colors are orange and black. The first game of the season they hit the field in Gray!!! Talk about an uproar in OK. Blame it all on Nike. They sold alot of schools a bill of sales. Stupid new uniforms. Really? I've read that the players like the new look...the fans don't. Love your posts.

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  20. Love your post. I know...don't mess with our football!!

    Anxious to see Prairie Moon in all it's finished and framed glory.

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  21. I feel your pain, Coni. I went to Ole Miss--I'm still trying to figure out if we simply turned Colonel Rebel into a bear, or are we now the Bears, or what...

    As for Maryland--man, they got an entire WARDROBE for their team! I'm waiting to see how anyone manages to top that.

    But nothing--I repeat nothing--has ever looked as bad as LSU did when they took the field wearing purple pants. Imagine 300+ linemen in bright purple spandex. I would post a photo, but it seems that the university scoured the internet and managed to get all pictures pulled...

    DH has never really recovered from that one!

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