WHY MY AUNT CHRISSY SHOULD BE CANNONIZED RIGHT ALONG WITH THE FORMER POPE HIS VERY SELF

My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's on the phone with my Aunt Chrissy talking about their "agenda" for the weekend. They do this every single Friday and every single Friday they end up exactly back where they started in the first place, which is nowhere.

To whit:

MO-THER: OK, so I've made a list of all of the errands that we need to run and then calculated the distance between each so that we can maximize fuel efficiency.

AUNT CHRISSY: You really need to get a life.

MO-THER: We'll start at the grocery store. I want to buy fresh vegetables and fruits and then see if they have a nice brisket or roast that I can make on Sunday so that I'll have left-overs all week.

AUNT CHRISSY: What ever happened to you cooking for me and setting me up with lunches and dinners for the week?

MO-THER: Next, we'll stop at the Targets where I have to pick up a few prescriptions and see if they have anything really cool in the bedding department. Last time I was there they had these pillows that were exactly what I was thinking of when I designed my new bedroom in my head.

AUNT CHRISSY: Did you run the color palette by Little Lord Fauntleroy?

MO-THER: Then we'lll stop at the Michaels to see if they have any wonderful open back frames on sale. I don't have anything to put in them, mind you, but at least I'll have them if I ever get the urge to actually finish stitching something and then frame it.

AUNT CHRISSY: You're not allowed to use tools by yourself, remember?

MO-THER: I think the nursery is open until 6, so we'll go there to get flowers for the outside and vegetables for the garden....oh, I just wish I knew what to plant and what would look nice out in front so that my neighbors don't start a petition to get me out of here this year.

AUNT CHRISSY: You never go outside and I'm the one that has to plant, water, tend, and harvest the garden, so why don't we plant what I want to plant this year?

MO-THER: I wonder if there's a good way to grow cucumbers so that they don't take over the whole area? And those tomatoes in the pots would probably grow better than the ones that you put in the actual dirt. Lettuce! We need lots and lots of lettuce. And peppers! Red ones!

AUNT CHRISSY: I hate peppers.

MO-THER: Stewey is out of Greenies and cookies and Chewies and treats, so we'll have to go to PetSmart. But don't let me walk in there unless I have my coupons.

AUNT CHRISSY: When do you ever remember to use your coupons? (Eye roll and heavy sigh). Are you going to stand in the toy aisle for two hours like you did last time because you weren't sure if he would prefer the red ball or the blue one? Because I swear I will beat you senseless with your Vera if you do.

MO-THER: And I should probably look for a new ball for him for his birthday.

AUNT CHRISSY: What about my birthday? I turned 40 this year and got totally ripped off. I treated you like a princess all day on yours, but I got absolutely nothing on mine. You suck as a big sister.

MO-THER: I guess I should stop at the Hallmark store to get him a special card. He mentioned that he wanted a musical one for his scrapbook, so maybe I'll see if they've got one with any of his favorite songs. Do you think they have any Jonas Brothers or Justin Beiber?

AUNT CHRISSY: Oh, yeah. That's just what we need. Something else to make Stewey even more obnoxious than he already is. Do you know that he refuses to sit with Bosco on the school bus in the mornings because he's ashamed of Bosco's "commonality"...whatever the eff that means?

MO-THER: Then I guess we'll have to stop for lunch someplace, so why not try the new Mexican place down the street?

AUNT CHRISSY: When you suggested Mexican food last weekend we both got food poisoning and you made me promise that I would run you over with my car if you ever suggested it again. Go lay down in the driveway.

MO-THER: OK. That's my list. What do you want to do?

AUNT CHRISSY: I want to come home from work tonight and put my pajamas on and stay in them until Monday morning. I want to sit on the floor in my studio and play with my stitching and I want to watch bad movies on Lifetime Television for Women. I want you to take nap or do whatever it is that you do all damn day long and not call me every fifteen minutes, and finally, I want to move far far away and not give you the forwarding address. I want to think thoughts that do not involve a) your dog peeing on everything , b) your blog, or c) whatever latest obsession you're grinding on today that will inevitably make me want to stab you in the eye with my laying tool.

MO-THER: I'll pick you up at 9.

AUNT CHRISSY: OK. Bye bye.

MO-THER: Wait! I forgot to tell you about Stewey peeing on me while I wrote my blog today and how I'm thinking about buying every single Dog Whisperer video that's ever been made and then memorizing them so that I can reference the solutions without having to think about them at 4 in the morning.

AUNT CHRISSY: Bosco, go get me my laying tool.