NOTES TO MYSELF ON A THURSDAY (BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN)

1. Movie idea: A portly, yet lovable spinster from the Midwest moves to Hollywood to pursue her dream of writing for a hit TV show. In desperation (and as a means to support herself and her little dog too), she takes a job as a personal chef for an aging bad boy actor who insists on eating breakfast at 2pm, and who then collects porn stars and controversy for the rest of the day. The spinster cooks, keeps her head down and mouth firmly shut (despite being abused regularly by the meangirl porn stars), and soon finds herself living in the posh and secluded guest house. Soon, the aging bad boy actor suffers a case of unrelenting insomnia, which causes him to rise at dawn and prop himself in the kitchen while the spinster prepares the household's meals for the day. They bond over meatloaf, he cleans himself up, and together they go on to create the most successful sitcom in television history.

2. Note to Chuck Lorre: Aunt Chrissy and I figured it all out for you last night, Mr. Lorre. The only suitable replacement for Charlie Sheen is Jud Nelson:

SCENE: Alan opens the door and discovers his ex-girlfriend's ex-husband, covered in soot, and carrying several large suitcases. "Guess what?", he mutters to Alan, "I burned the house down too". He moves into Charlie's room and hilarity ensues.
STORYLINE CONTINUITY: Jake's character is threatening to become stale, but his scenes and dialogue with Eldon (the son of Alan's ex-girlfriend's ex-husband) are some of the best writing done on the show.
CHARACTER REVENGE: Rose returns from Paris, but leaves Charlie to fend for himself in Europe. (Now here is where we'll discover just how angry you really are with him): The character either sends post cards detailing his outrageous exploits, or alternatively, you could have him rot in a Turkish prison.

3. Important safety tip (so as to avoid humiliation): The "Let's Go Out And Go Potty" song should only be sung in the confines of the big girl sleigh bed or the master bath shower. (This morning, as I stood on the back patio waiting for Little Lord Fauntleroy to make his deposit, I sung the following, using the jingle from the movie theaters that says "Let's All Go To The Lobby":

Let's go outside to go potty
Let's go outside to go potty
Let's go outside to go paaaaa-teeee
So you won't pee the drapes.

Charming, no? That's what the gas company meter reader thought as he came around the side of the house, I'm sure.