MORE IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ABOUT THE CHILE MINE RESCUE

I seem to be fix-a-tated on it. I just can't stop watching and reading and googling the whole Chilean mine thing. And, if I weren't babysitting today I would already be in the car headed for the Borders to buy books about the history of Chile.

So here's the random thoughts...

1. The whole "33" thing has me fascinated and just a little creeped out...the drilling took 33 days...there were 33 miners...their note that said they were alive had 33 characters in it....the opening of the freakin tube was 66 centimeters, which is 33 times two...the date on which they were all rescued was 10-13-10, which when added together comes to 33. I'm sure there are a bunch more (I vaguely heard something about Jesus in there, but I was probably hallucinating?), so any numerologists out there, chime in.

2. I was just starting to quell the panic attack over the whole "Look at me! I'm a human colonoscopy!" aspect of the rescue capsule/freakin tube thing, when I heard that the capsule itself didn't just come up the freakin tube like an elevator, but rather that it spun around. IT SPUN AROUND. This is why NASA gave them the drink before hand that contained some kind of high-calorie concoction that would help them not upchuck from the ride. (It's OK. They didn't need to upchuck from the ride. I upchucked for them just THINKING about the ride.)

I think this last little item is worth thinking about, don't you? And if you don't think every stupid amusement park on the planet is thinking about how they can make this ride, you're more naive than I am.

SCENE: An amusement park headquarters somewhere in Middle America. A group of be-suited and be-speckled business men sit around a conference table discussing plans for their latest and greatest attraction: The Chilean Mine Experience.

GUY #1: OK, gentlemen, how can we capitalize on this whole Chilean miner rescue thing?

GUY #2: Well, we could invite them and their families to come to our park for photo ops and handshaking and such and we could charge people a $28 admission fee to gawk at them.

GUY #3: Make the admission fee $33!

ALL THE GUYS TOGETHER: Brilliant, Murray! What else?

GUY #2: How about an entire environmental display that simulates a trip through the entire country of Chile? You know...we could start with the topography and scenery in the north and then work our way down to the south, with interactive exhibits all the way.

GUY #1: Yeah, but we'd have to make this a ride-along exhibit, since the majority of the people who would want to see it are fat-a**ed spinsters who wouldn't be able to walk the length of Chile on a freakin bet.

ALL THE GUYS TOGETHER: Yeah, yes, mumble mumble mumble. Demographics, large-bodied Americans who won't ride it if it doesn't have cup holders for their 87 ounce Cokes, mumble mumble mumble.

GUY #3: Make the Cokes 333 ounces!

ALL THE GUYS TOGETHER: Brilliant! What else!

GUY #1: OK. So here's what I'm thinking...we drill a hole the approximate length of Nebraska into the hot, stinking, humid, fetid Earth. Then we drop an MRI machine down there and we suspend it from a set of cables that have the same diameter as Calista Flockhart's waist. Then we'll turn off all the lights and let the guest suit up in a nylon green jumpsuit, strap on some Oakleys and a miner's hat, and have at it.

GUY #2: Yeah, that sounds good...but what if we only used ONE cable? And we put that one cable right in the center so that the capsule can spin around?

ALL THE GUYS TOGETHER: Brilliant! This will be the ride of the century! Space Mountain can bite us! Wait until CNN gets a load of THIS!

The scene closes as the guys clap each other on the back and congratulate themselves over the successful exploitation of an international human interest triumph that will result in a 7% increase in attendance for sure.

Murray upchucks on the table.

3. Could the Chilean people BE any more beautiful? (I mean it. I had to stop myself at least twice from thinking HUBBA HUBBA over a few of the hunky faces that were on the TeeVee.) And if I were stuck down there in that mine (which of course would mean that I would have fallen into it by accident and NOT voluntarily decided to go underground) and a hunky dunk rescuer climbed out of that freakin thing that was the same size as a Tylenol, I would have INSISTED that we ride back up together, clutched in a romantic, yet wholesome embrace.

4. Do you think that the reason Chilean people seem so wonderful is because they make some of the best wine in the world there?

5. Stewey wanted me to point out that Super Mario's first question to his wife was "How is the dog?". I pointed out that if Mommie ever emerges from hell and death she will most assuredly ask about his welfare immediately.

6. I am wondering if this whole thing will make me want to actually leave the house sometime in the future to visit a foreign land. To eat their food, meet their peoples, see their scenery, feel their culture...if it will make me be more adventurous and stop thinking of the world in terms of the four foot area that surrounds my Happy Chair.

Cheers, Chile. In honor of you and yours, I'm going to make sea bass for dinner.