A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING GOING ON

Heidie Ho! My mom can't come to the blog right now, so I thought I'd jump on the 'puter to tell you all about our eventful weekend. (Not.)

But first, let me just point out that it is a whopping 60 degrees in here and the old lady has the front door wide open for "fresh air". I'm freezing my **** off.

(Do you really think I would be caught dead in a sweatshirt otherwise?)

Before you think I exaggerate, may I just present to you, my fair minded readers....Exhibit A:

So Mom had these visions of making two spectacular Ina meals for the weekend, a few hours of stitching and creating up in the studio, and several whoops and cheers during a Notre Dame football game.

Alas, none of it was to be. Her meal on Saturday positively sucked (her words, not mine), and I suspect that had she not been so damn hungry, my Aunt Chrissy would have fed it to Bosco. Mom thought she was going to make a beautiful turkey roulade, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and pumpkin boont for dessert, but what came out of that kitchen was not remotely close to that.

The turkey roulade was problematic because there were no turkey breasts to be had at the market, so Mom's friendly neighborhood butcher hacked up a whole turkey for her. Sadly, he didn't realize that Mom wanted a perfectly carved and cleaned piece of turkey breast in which to stuff her stuffing, so she ended up with a lot of "questionable pieces" instead. But I give the old lady credit....she crammed a bunch of crap into whatever piece she could salvage from the mess and put it in the casserole dish. Yeah. I know. Yum.

I suppose that the potatoes and green beans wouldn't have been so bad if she would have just left well enough alone, but my stupid mo-ther put a stick of butter into the potatoes and then tried to make the casserole with soy milk.

Soy milk.

You wouldn't think this would make any kind of difference, but once Aunt Chrissy realized what Mom did there was a while lot of hollering coming from that kitchen table.

Dessert always saves a bad meal...right? Well, if it would have been anybody else frosting the boont other than my idiot mom everything would have been just fine. But again...she hauled out the soy milk and tried to whip up some vanilla frosting/icing concoction to drizzle over the half-burnt pumpkin bundt cake that Stitchy Aunt Paulette made on her blog without one bit of damn trouble, and I have to aske the question: Why can't SOMEBODY get a clue around here and just follow directions one damn time in her life anyways?

So the frosting/icing was a very weird color and the confectioner's sugar lumped up and kind of stuck to the cake like a bunch of little styrofoam balls. And it didn't drizzle so much as it just kind of ran all over the plate and then onto the kitchen counter, where I'm sure it will eventually dissolve the adhesive on the Formica.

But they ate it anyway.

This was the weekend that Mom was supposed to finish Quaker Diamonds, but for some strange reason, it doesn't look like she made very much progress at all:

I did sleep next to her over at Aunt Chrissy's house last night (where we had ridiculously bad spaghetti and meatballs by the way), and I thought that she was stitching right along, but when I examined her progress this morning, I see that she only completed about four stitches.

Seeing how it is now the 27th of the September and I told her this needed to be done before the beginning of October, I'm going to plant her heiney in the Happy Chair today and not let her out of it until I see the beginnings of a Happy Dance.

That's about it for a relatively boring Monday. I hope that your weekend was more eventful!

With love from your pal,
Stewey

*****EDITED BY MOMMIE DEAREST LATER IN THE DAY******

Hi, kids. Mommie Dearest here.

Well, I have to agree with Stewey about my complete and utter failure as an amateur chef this weekend. It was bad enough that even Aunt Chrissy asked where my mojo had gone, and I'm starting to think that this whole "I'll just wing it" form of cooking is most definitely not for me. And as for the soy milk....I guess I should have known better, but that's what I get for trying to have one thing in this house that I will be able to point to during the intervention that isn't a) illegal, b) should be illegal, or c) is eventually going to kill me if I don't stop putting it in my face.

(I have these recurring nightmares that Jackie Warner shows up at my front door and demands to examine the contents of my fridge and pantry. Then, just as I am furiously trying to shove the Lay's Carolina Bar-be-que potato chips under the rug, Dr. Oz. comes in the back door and shouts "A-HA!"...."THIS is why you are the size of a condominium!...and then my family doctor walks in and shakes her head to and fro while saying "This is not exactly what I would call a plant-based heart-healthy diet, Ms. Rich. Perhaps we should revisit the idea of wiring your jaws shut, hmmmmm?" And there I stand in my spandex stretch pants because I decided that this was going to be the day that I would attempt the "Sexy Abs" video that I fished out of the discount bin at Target, but not before I made a ciabatta sandwich the size of my head for lunch.

The good news is that I know exactly what I did wrong every step of the way, so I'm not likely to repeat this mess ever again. And although the food was dreadfully bad, neither Aunt Chrissy nor I starved during the last two days and I think I'll live to see another day.

So, as Stewey says, I'm off to the Happy Chair for some serious stitching today. I can really see the light at the end of the Quaker tunnel, so to speak, so I'd like to see just how far I can get today.

Happy Monday Monday!