Aug 4, 2010


I suppose that I should begin at the beginning, as most all things do.

The day started with me deciding that my tree trunks would need some serious de-barking before going to the knee doctor. So I hopped into the shower with my brand spanky new razor and went to it. This would not have been a problem were it not for the fact that I did not have my contact lenses in place, nor were my glasses anywhere near my big fat face as I hacked away.

I ended up with what can only be politely referred to as crop circles. Yup. The pattern of smooth shiny legs contrasted with the pattern of stubbly neglected legs will have scientists guessing for ages. At least I'm pretty sure. I didn't see said crop circles until I was in the exam room and had hiked my pedal pushers up so that the nurse could get a good look at my poor knee before hauling me off to the x-ray room.

All she said was "Oh. My."

I'd love to tell you that the orthopedist was a kindly old man with sensible shoes and wire rimmed glasses, but the guy I saw was about as warm and fuzzy as a bowl full of lime jell-o. Now, it's not that I have anything against lime jell-o per se. As a matter of fact, I happen to love lime jell-o. But in an orthopedist? Not so much.

All I heard after the x-ray and a cursory exam was "For a woman that is the approximate size of a small condominium, I'm surprised that you have any knees left at all", and my particular favorite "Yeah. You're young, but you might as well prepare yourself for the fact that you're going to need artificial knees pretty soon."

And then he stuck a ridiculously long needle into me and sent me to the check-out desk with a ridiculously big bill.

So the long and short of it is that I have arthritis and a bone spur on the inside of my left knee, and I've probably also torn the be-daylights out of the ACL, MCL, AT&T, VIP, and any other series of three letters that means "Big fat sweaty girls should really not dance about their homes in their underpants without considering the long term consequences to their lower weight-bearing parts." If I was still in New Jersey and was still swearing, this is right about the time that I would issue a succinct f*** from my big fat potty mouth and just get on with it. As is it, you'll get a damn, drat, and phooey, and I'll fret over this for the next two weeks while we see if this bloody shot worked.

But I would like to go on the record right here and now and firmly attest that the only thing artificial going into me will be the packet of Truvia I put in my coffee each morning, and the lovely new stripper boobs that I intend to get as soon as I can coax my current boobs from my shoes. (What can I say? Nature and this whole getting older thing has NOT been kind to the girls.)

The second highlight of my day was when Aunt Chrissy and I went grocery shopping, and I elected to use the scooter-thingie so as not to bitch and moan and complain about how much walking around a grocery store hurt my knee. So there I was in the produce section....minding my very own business, when I innocently asked Aunt Chrissy to pass me a package of celery hearts. She did so, but not before muttering "If you have to have your knee replaced, you damn well better hire a freakin' nurse", and then I got all weepy and felt like a boob because I just happened to be sitting there thinking "Gee, this really sucks, and if I have to have this damn knee replaced, I better damn well hire a freakin' nurse", but then I saw the look on Aunt Chrissy's face and decided to just suck it up and motor onward.

Let's just say that methinks I've worn out the whole "I'm pitiful and need your help, dear little sissy" routine, and I had better learn to just suck it right up.

(Now here is where I am supposed to tell you that Aunt Chrissy really is the very best caretaker a girl could ask for and that she would never lock me in an attic and/or refer to me as Baby Jane or any other creepy old movie character that gets gas-lighted by exasperated relatives. She just had a moment. Yeah. That's it. She had a moment and she is more that entitled to do so.)

So there.

We rounded the corner and hit the deli counter and that was when we were made aware of some jackass on his cell phone over in the wine store bitching about the fact that people kept cutting in front of him at the deli counter.

Funny, but he wasn't AT the deli counter. He was in the damn wine store.

So I ordered everything I could think of to really tork the guy off because he had to wait so long for me to get my thinly sliced Virginia ham and yellow American cheese, thank you very much, and I heard our lovely deli lady say "You know, I'm not sure what that gentleman's problem is. I tried to wait on him about three times, but he just kept walking away to talk on his cell phone." So Aunt Chrissy and I proceeded to the butcher store (all of these places are in the same damn place, mind you, but I love the fact that our grocery store has "Ye' Olde' Wine Shoppe" and "Ye' Olde' Butcher Shoppe" etc etc.), when I hear the cell phone guy hollering at the deli lady!

Now please understand that by this point in time I have firmly committed myself to the scooter, and I'm guessing that since it was hot in the store and I had on polyester stretch pants, NOBODY needed to see me stand up from the damn thing, but stand up I did and I even put my hands on my hips for effect as I marched right smack over to the cell-phone guy and said (in kind of a screetchy voice I have to say) PARDON ME SIR, BUT DID MY SISTER AND I TAKE YOUR PLACE IN LINE?!! DID WE?!! HUH?!! HUH?! DID WE?! WELL, IF WE DID, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO BE THE VERY FIRST TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU (and here's where I muttered "your highness" under my breath) BECAUSE WE WOULD NEVER INTEND TO HAVE OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY.

Stupid prat just sputtered something like "Oh, no, it wasn't you....having a bad day...not necessary to apologize....etc. etc. etc." as he practically ran through the seafood section "Ye' Olde" Seafood Shoppe" to get the hell away from the crazy fat lady in polyester pants who was standing next to a grocery scooter like it was some kind of souped up motorcycle.

I love a good bar fight in the middle of the grocery store.

The evening ended with me settled in the Happy Chair with my stitching and a little Bull Durham on the TeeVee for company. It's not that I actually really particularly like this movie or anything, but the scenes with Kevin Costner dancing around in a robe and tube socks and then painting Susan Sarandon's toe nails and then the whole bathtub scene and then.....

Well, let's just say that I sat through that whole damn entire movie waiting for those scenes, but tragically, I did not realize that I was watching this movie on some type of man-channel that only shows things related to sporting events, fast cars, or Viagra.

Scene: The spinster glances up and notices that the movie is approaching all of the "good parts", so she stashes her stitching to the side, pats her litttle dog to let him know it's time to cover his eyes, perches her stitchy glasses on top of her head and then.....



So, Mr. Costner, if you're reading this, please send a check payable to the Spinster Stitcher for a) some new sitchy glasses that won't melt themselves into a clotted heap of plastic and then attach themselves to my already sparse sprouts of hair on top of my head and b) the resulting little tiny hair extensions that I am going to have to ask for tomorrow when I bolt into the salon asking if there is anybody there who knows how I can continue to rock the 80's bangs with only four strands of hair left on my head.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. You'll be happy to know that Stewey took prompt action this time and peed on the drapes before heading under the bed. Damn dog.

I have made tremendous progress on Daisy Chain, but will you forgive me if I don't get up of my big fat burnt heiney and go find the camera and then take a really bad photo to share with you? Just this once, please feel free to use your imagination as I close up shop for the night, grab an ice pack or two, and head for the big girl sleigh bed.

Trust me. It's been a day.


  1. Boy,,, You did have a day !! You deserve a good night's sleep !! If Kevin comes through with that check.. I would love a autograph picture !! LOL

  2. You've had quite the day in Ye Old Hooserville! And is this the same Coni who says she can't stand up to people, yelling at someone??!! I don't believe it.

    I kept finding my magnifier lamp turned away from the couch. Finally asked why, and was told, (big) magnifier hanging over the couch + the lamp on the side table (when turned on) = FIRE!! I now turn it away from the couch and the room lamp.

  3. I had my knee replaced at age 48 and it was THE best day of my life (I am now 55). Gone was all the arthritis pain that I had for 33 years. If you, or anyone that you know of, have to have the knee replaced, have them give you a femoral nerve block. I woke up in NO PAIN. Rehabbing the total knee replacement was much easier than rehabbing all of the other types of knee surgeries I had.

    Sorry you had a bad day.

    Thanks for the tip about the magnifier (not that at age 55 I need one) LOL...

  4. Goodness! Where to even start? How about, "I love a good bar fight in the middle of a grocery store." Giggle and snicker. Well done you! Prats with cell phones attached to their heads deserve what they get.

    So sorry to hear about your knee and the other drama in your day.

  5. So sorry you had a bad day, but you made my morning. I've been laughing out loud at 7am! My siblings and I all inherited bad knee genes so I can really relate to your problems. Hang in there, keep moving, and keep laughing! What else can you do????

  6. The guy with the cell phone reminded me of a comment I read the other day -- cell phones are like penises; just because you have one doesn't mean you should use it in public.

    Hope today is a better day for you

  7. Seriously you should put a warning on your some of your posts! Someone is going to spray coffee all over their laptops! ;0)

    I'm sorry I laughed at your day. But, only you could string together a day like that!

    Here's to a calmer day today. Oh, a little advice - if you don't like the orthopedist you have - get a second opinion. Find someone you like. It really helps mentally if you do have surgery.

    Smiles - Denise

  8. Good for you. The jackass in the store deserved a comeuppance!

    And it's much better to watch Bull Durham on DVD - that way you get to watch all the good bits.

    "I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days." - Crash Davis

    Sigh. I could love that man. If he were real.

  9. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, and Ha. The orthopaedists are all alike, they get the I am a self-centered idiot certificate with their medical school diploma.
    I imagine Coni any rehab would be glad of your admission. At least for the pure entertainment for the truly crazy!!!

  10. Coni, Coni, do seem to land right in the middle of all the action, don't you! LOL!

    I am so sorry that you had the day from hell...but, you DID stand up to cell-phone man...that's an accomplishment, isn't it?? He deserved it too...what a putz! Too bad you didn't do the same with the HE really deserved a foot in the ass! What a jerk!

    I sure hope today is a better day for you...and although it was hell for you, your day sure brought a lot of laughs for the rest of us...sorry!


    P.S. Hope the hair grows back!

  11. I was going to write a sympathetic note about the orthopod being a jerk since they all are (my husband's likes to report to me on my husband's various surgeries in his tennis whites since he showers and changes after surgery to rush out the door to the court but I'm on to him and plant myself at the physicians' exit just to hear that husband is ok) but your daily report has me laughing so hysterically I can't do it.

    Tomorrow is another day.

  12. I'm a RN who works in a busy sports and orthopaedic Hospital. You are a real hoot Miss Coni, but it was very funny to hear about the patient's interpretation of our care. Just got home from a busy late shift and now cant stop laughing after reading your post.You will love your new knees.

  13. Goodness, what a day! I will eventually have to have both knees replaced (no cartilage, very bad arthritis). I figure since both in-laws have had it done in their 80's and survived then maybe I can survive it in my 50's. Or at least I hope so. Hope your hair is OK - but with this hot summer maybe having less hair to deal with is actually better right now!

  14. I have to say that I've just had the best laugh I've had in a long time!! Not that I'm laughing at your expense, and I hope you don't have some kind of degree burns on your head, but I'm laughing.....!!

  15. You made me tired just reading about your day hun. LOL remember; "Tomorrow is another day". LOl and it'll be a better one hun.

    Hugs. Shar

  16. I love reading your blog! Hope you knee feels better soon. :)

  17. OMG Coni, the people here at Ogla's are looking at me funny as I am laughing my fanny off! I am sorry you are having knee problems - but the shaving is so typical of something I would do - one time I prepared for the dr and only did one leg...where was my head! And the guy on the phone - how irritating and that the deli person couldn't say well get off your dang phone and I'd wait on you promptly...hope your hair grows quickly and you have a calmer day. Thanks for writing such an entertaining blog - you bring a smile (and most of the time a laugh or two) to my face and Lord knows we all need that way any time we can get one! (Added after the visiual verfication came up - my word is kness - almost weird is that)

  18. Coni,
    Only you can make disasters sound so funny! Have you ever considered a gastric bypass? I had one two years ago and feel like I got my life back. I would never ever have considered such a thing - I thought it was nuts to consider surgery for obesity - until a nurse/therapist I respsect told me to at least investigate the procedure. Now, in addition to 100 pounds gone, so is my diabetes and high blood pressure. Unfortunately, the arthritic damage to my knees was already done, but I have at least been able to postpone knee replacement for now. Anyway, it's something to think about..

  19. Oh my dear heaven... what a day!! Maybe it's time for a hat in the stitchy chair to avoid any further lamp/magnifier incidents? LOL

  20. Bless your heart! (yes, I'm Southern) Poor Coni! I'm so sorry you had such a bad day, but I just gotta say I was laughing out loud at my desk at work reading today's entry! Reading your blog is a high point in my day.

  21. Oh Coni
    I feel for you, and I know that you are perfectly justified in having your very own pity party - but how blessed are you that you can turn things around and write about them in a manner that have us ALL chuckling about your misadventures.
    I do love reading your posts and wish I could be there to help Aunt Chrissy to help you shop (and check out your stash) and to meet Stewie - you are such a hoot!
    It's all your fault - I've just discovered the Tudors on tv - and watch when hubby's out so it's a bit disjointed for me at the moment. I'll have to go check out this Kevin Costner movie now!


  22. ROTFLMAO!!!

    Oh Coni...i`m so sorry about your knee....but I lost it at the 'bar fight in the grocery store'. Good for you!

    As for the hair on fire again... really perk up my day....

  23. So sorry to read about your knee issues (my mother has had both replaced, and my brother is working on his!), but I have to admit that I laughed throughout your entire post. Your sense of humor is amazing ... and admirable!

  24. Glad you can take a funny outlook on everything that happened in your day. I will tell you that my mother-in-law - who is 76, overweight most of her life, high blood pressure, arthritis, etc. - had knee replacement surgery a few months ago and said it was the BEST thing she ever did. She can walk and climb stairs and is mobile again and doesn't need the little grocery store scooter anymore! If it's suggested I would really tell you to check into it.

    In the meantime, maybe you need a parasol next to the stitching chair?

  25. I don't even know where to begin!! Sounds like quite the day - must say that my favorite line has to be, "I love a good bar fight in the middle of a grocery store."

    Hope your weekend goes more smoothly!

  26. If you do get your knee fixed up, I can think of a few people you might want to kick in the *ss. Beginning with your knee doctor and including The Deli Guy. ;) Take care of yourself, and your wonderful tree trunks!

    PS: If you figure out how to get your boobs out of your shoes, would you please shoot me an email with a simple how-to? Thx.

  27. ROFL! you always make me laugh. The cell phone guy will never get waited on if he is on his cell phone, just the plain truth. If you need knee surgery then please get it. In the long run you will be glad.

  28. I thought I had a bad day until I heard of yours. So sorry you burnt your head but that story cracked me up. I have a friend in southern Hoosierville that you might need to meet. Between both of your shenigans, it would make a better book that Eat, Pray and Love.

  29. Holy cow, Coni! Where do you find these kookoo days? I'm amazed, but I'm also very sorry that the news isn't so good about your knees and that you've burned your hair and other important items. I thought I was the only one who did stuff like that.

    About asses on cellphones: Do they really think they're so damned important that the rest of us should be subjected to every conversation? Apparently. I'm up for a revolt against them. OK ... I feel a little better. Thanks.

  30. Coni.

    Oh. My. God.


    Fantastic post!

    I hope the long a$$ shot from Hades helps!!

  31. A friend sent me to your blog and you certainly did live up to your billing as hysterical reading! Don't blame poor Kevin too much for the hair fire...he was a victim of tv censorship if you were watching Bull Durham on a sports channel....can't let the kiddies see the good stuff! BTW, I'm writing this to you from the home of Bull Durham, the REAL home of the Durham Bulls baseball team! Yes the stadium is real, and the Hit Bull, Win Steak sign as well!
    Our Bulls now reside in splendor in a new home, but the old DAP still stands and is used by my DD's high school baseball team. Oh, and Crash Davis was a real baseball player in the 1950s for the Bulls. Probably nothing like dear Kevin tho'!