Dec 22, 2009


My mom can't come to the blog right now. I've locked her in the closet while I speak with the nice producer lady from the Clean House show. You know the one...where a crew of dedicated and very brave people go into a house that is a complete MESS and help the person get their proverbial head of of their...

(I'm sorry. I'm just a little frustrated by the lack of homekeeping skills around here lately. I've tried my best to be a force for good and gently encourage my mo-ther to pick up a Swiffer, but alas, she has not done so as of this post.)

I suppose that this calls for DRASTIC measures. Come with me, won't you, as I walk you through the HOME 'O FILTH in the attempt to SHAME my mo-ther into getting off of her big fat white hairy...

(See? I'm just so upset that I've resorted to profanity again.)

First up is the bedroom. Here's a pic of the rumpled, slept-in, messy bed that she finally hauled herself out of at 10 o'clock this morning:
I mean, come on! How hard would it have been to pull that hot crock pot full of mess up and tidy the pillows? But leaving it like this for God and everybody to see? Unacceptable.

Now I'll take you into the laundry room, where the basket full of clean clothes has been sitting. For a week. A week. For one whole week this basket has been sitting on top of the washing machine.
Do you want to know what's REALLY stupid about this? Whenever Mommie Dearest needs something from this basket, she walks all the way from our bedroom to the laundry room (across the full length of the house, I might add), and she takes what she needs from the basket! The basket that's been sitting on the washing machine for a week! She can't pick up the basket that's been sitting on the washing machine for a week and then CARRY IT BACK TO THE BEDROOM?!

Two weeks ago she finished her Christmas shopping and she carefully "staged" everything on the dining room table:
I already know that my presents are out in the garage in a big bin labeled "Santa's Workshop...Do Not Peek" because I went out there and peeked. (Oh, and I'm furious to report that there was NOT a Zhu Zhu in that bin. Did the man not get my fax? What does a puppy have to do to get some Zhu Zhu love around here? Who do I have to ---- to get a decent Christmas present?)

(Yep, I'm pretty sure that one is going to send me straight to the Naughty list...

So in preparation of wrapping all of the fabulous gifts I'm sure she bought Aunt Chrissy, she went into the guest room and fished out all of the wrapping paper and bows and such and then SHE JUST LEFT IT ALL ON THE FLOOR IN THERE!
Does she think that the gifts are all going to spontaneously jump into their wrappings? Is she waiting for the elves to come put the paper on things in the middle of the night? What seems to be the mental block that this woman has about putting things in their proper places and/or writing a list and then...wait for it....actually doing the stuff that's on the list!

I think the kitchen is the worst, though. Aunt Chrissy was here all damn weekend with that snot cousin of mine and by the time the two of them came to their senses, they had totally DESTROYED my organizational system in there:
I will confess that I just now piled all of that stuff up in front of the coffee maker so that my coffee addicted mo-ther will be forced to put this stuff away before tomorrow morning. (Knowing her, however, she'll just shove it all aside and still manage to get her morning fix.) Damn Mommie.

I got desperate enough last night that I went into my toy box and started scattering stuff all over the floor so that she would step on something in the dark and wake the hell up already and clean this place up:
I think I miscalculated, though, since most of the stuff I pulled out was stuffed animals, and all they did was squeak when she stepped on them. (This, of course, scared the beejeebies out of me in the wee hours, so I took the opportunity to water the drapes.)

I've been sitting here trying to determine where it all went wrong, but I just can't seem to put my paw on it. Could it be latent depression over the fact that she muffed the decorating this year? Does she feel bad because she didn't spend the national debt on gifts like she normally does? Is she disappointed that she's got NO shot of a kiss under the mistletoe? What could it be?

Mysteries abound, but I'm burning daylight trying to figure it out. I'm going to go open the closet door now and strap some cleaning supplies to the old lady in the hopes that she will finally get the hint. Pray for me. This is not going to be easy.

I do hope that you are all having a wonderful Tuesday wherever you are!

With love from your pal,


  1. I'm terribly sorry Stewie, but I think the house looks fine and you're just being fussy. Maybe you should sneakily open one of your presents to make yourself feel better?
    Merry Christmas!

  2. How refreshing it is to see a blog with pictures of a real house - and not the 'my house is really a display home' photos - At least Stewie, you are not walking through piles of dust and empty boxes and newspapers. I see that the floor is clean, and so is the kitchen bench under all those items..
    Admittedly, looking at all that you've shown - it would appear to be about one hour's solid work - then Coni, you could settle in for some theraputic guilt-free stitching.
    No matter what - Have a Happy Christmas!

  3. Today I was standing in the kitchen making egg salad by working AROUND the mess, thinking this would be a good blog post. "You'd never eat in my house again if you saw the state of the kitchen, but at least I'm not going to end up on an episode of How Clean is Your House?" How on earth did you post that before I could? Alrighty, I've wasted enough time; I've got to get back to the sweat shop I have set up on the dining room table...

  4. Stewey,
    Quit your and stop watering the drapes. An artist, like your mommy, is allowed to be her own person and follow her creative urges. Cleaning is not part of creativity! Be thankful to Aunt Chrissy for all the cookies she baked and mommy for all the love she gives you, even when you, ahem, water the furniture. Mo-ther's home is her nest and she needs to be comfortable in it in order to release all those creative juices.
    Now go and give her a big hug and kiss for me. I truly enjoy all her efforts to make the world a better place.
    Judy SFSunset

  5. sigh...i've really got to look at the google account before clicking - johnsb is my son's account - sigh...
    bronny (about to go clean the house at 6:30am - estate agent coming today to take photos for the infoweb!) And you complain about your little bit of mess Stewie, come over here if you dare!!! lol

  6. Stewey, have you ever seen "Hoarders"? Your mother is fine, leave her alone. Don't forget, you're the one who peed on Santa so I wouldn't get too full of yourself right now.

  7. I don't see anything wrong with your house, Stewey...especially this time of the year!! My guest bedroom is a disaster area but my bed is made and the laundry room is downstairs so no one will see it, but thank you for sharing pics because I sometimes feel guilty because my house isn't "perfect" right now so it's nice to see that everyone else is in the same boat. :) "Tis the season to be jolly, Stewey...lighten up and enjoy!!

  8. Stewey, you should be grateful. My house is much worse since my husband is like your Mo-ther with the laundry.

    You know, it could be worse. You could be on an episode of "Hoarders". (If you haven't seen it yet, it is a must see!)

  9. I'm spewing naughty words over here in your support dear Stewey! The folded laundry in the laundry room for a week sent me over the edge...all left in me was to snicker my way through the rest of your rantings...justified rantings of course....hang in there Stew-man..could be a bumpy ride from now til when the fat man hits the roof!~ Will tex him though for that Zhu-Zhu you want!~

  10. Well, that definitely looks like my house, so I'd feel right at home at your place. Lower your expectations Stewey. And stop watering the drapes!!! I'm sure that mommy is going to give you a wonderful Christmas no matter what state your house is in!!

  11. Now now Stewey. These so called offenses are entirely normal, especially at this time of year. You are a very lucky little boy to have such a creative, talented and gifted mommie. So cheer up and enjoy the eggnog!

  12. Stewey, I must confess that I never make my bed unless company is coming and I have wrapping paper piled all over my dining room. Your mommie is more normal than you think she is.

    And watering the drapes doesn't help at all but I do commend you on the coffee pot trick! I do think, however, that you're being a little bit harsh.

  13. I'm just so damn grateful that two other houses (Spinster Stitcher's and Stitch Bitch's) look something like mine! Stewey, it could be so much worse.

  14. My laundry likes to sit on the dining room table in the nice folded little piles I make for every individual in this house.... somehow all that work wears me out and I can't make myself put them away until the next day! Your house doesn't look that bad Stewey. Besides, it's just going to get messy again anyway.