Nov 12, 2009


My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a shampoo bottle clutched in her hands while delivering her Nobel Prize for Literature speech to a captive audience.

Listen up, people, because I'm only going to say this one time. STOP ENCOURAGING HER. You stop by the blog and read her silly crap and then you leave these lovely comments that say "Oh, Spinster Stitcher, you're so funny"..."Oh, Spinster Stitcher, you should write a book"..."Oh, Spinster Stitcher, you make me laugh out loud and pee my pants".

These comments, while certainly heartfelt, I'm sure, are only doing one thing...creating a big fat sweaty cocky stupid monster of a Mommie that I'm left to deal with. I have a household to run, kids. I can't be constantly distracted by the daily need to go look for this woman who insists that I now refer to her as "Madame Authoress Who Will One Day Write Like Toni Morrison."

She came home from the bookstore the other night with "How to Write the Great American Novel for Dummies" book and an Oprah Magazine! She watches Charlie Rose and practices her posture and exactly how she'll reach for the glass of water to take a small sip in between long explanations of her "process" and "how it feels to suddenly go from Mishawaka, Indiana nobody to Manhattan-living famous person" in three days.

Stop it, I tell ya! Stop it!

Now let's get back to business. Since my silly mo-ther of very little brain is not here to answer some of your questions, you're stuck with me...

Question: What's a FUPPY box?
Answer: Mo-ther shamelessly stole this term from another stitchy blogger, but she wasn't careful enough to write the name down, so I will apologize for her. A FUPPY box is a place where you store all of the pieces that you've stitched but haven't finshed or framed into finality yet. You stitched eighteen biscornu fronts and backs but you haven't sewn them together into a little tuffet yet. Or you finished the big ass needlepoint piece, but you're waiting for framing costs to return to normalcy and not reflect the gold standard.

Question: What threads did you use for Ms. Laura J. Perin's Idaho Star?
Answer: Vineyard Silks in Autumn Leaves, Oak Bluff, Lark, and Sangria. Silk & Ivory in Mud Puddle and Prickly Pear. Mandarin Floss in M895. Ribbon Floss in 142-017 Honey.

Question: When you're finished with a pattern/chart, can I purchase, trade, borrow, or copy it?
Answer: I'm afraid that all of Mom's charts are spoken for, but she will be happy to point you in a direction as to where you might find it. She would tell you to always start with your LNS (if you have one), find an ANS if you don't (ANS=adopted needlework shop), or contact the designer personally to introduce yourself and to inquire where you might purchase their product.

*Warning about this last piece of advice: It will turn you into a stalker of the highest magnitude. Once you've "met" your favorite designer and/or talked to them over the phone, you'll think you're their very best friend in the whole wide world and will drop their name into every conversation you've ever had about needlework. For example, you might be in your LNS on a Saturday and some lovely stitchers are gathered at the back table enjoying some time together, when you will feel the need to barge in to say "Oh, when I talked to LAURA she said that....." or "Well, when LAURA called me, she explained...". Trust me. Nobody likes a show off.

Question: Does Aunt Chrissy really exist, or is she just a figment of your imagination, much like a sassy little talking dog seems to be?
Answer: While I resent the term "little", I do wholly embrace the term "sassy". And yes, Aunt Chrissy most certainly exists and has the responsibility of finding a decent Assisted Living facility for her nincompoop older sister sometime over the weekend.

Question: How do you stitch so much? Are you a really fast stitcher, or do you just spend every hour of your waking day doing it?
Answer: I'll answer this one frankly. My mo-ther (as much as I do love her so) is a big fat LOOOOO-ZER that never leaves the house. If she could find a way to get dietCoke delivered to the door she'd probably never venture to the Target. Every now and then I'll write her a note like "Mom, if you don't get me some cookies I'm going to run away from home", so she puts on the lipstick and hits PetSmart, but those trips are too few and far between in my opinion. Stitching is something that she does in the evenings while sitting in her Happy Chair watching the TeeVee. It relaxes her and keeps her quiet for hours and hours and hours at a time and our sedative budget has been greatly reduced. She's not a particularly fast stitcher, but what she lacks in speed she makes up for in earnestness.

Well, it looks like the Nobel speech is drawing to a conclusion, so I'll leave you with a pic of the progress on Idaho Star. It really is lovely, but don't keep telling her that or she'll fret over having to do it over and over and over again just to please you. Just tell her... "Eh, it's OK" and move on.

Happy Thursday to you all! We're keeping a happy disposition around here even though it's November 12th. (My Grandma Sig died 22 years ago today, so mo-ther and Aunt Chrissy usually want this one to just get over with already.) (And I'm pretty sure that if she could, my Grandma Sig would get up out of her drawer in Phoenix and slap me for calling her Grandma, but that's another story for another day.)

With love from your pal,


  1. Thanks for the answer Stewey - I find I too have a Fuppy box and I didn't even know it!
    Sorry though, can't oblige with the not encouraging your mo-ther thing, because she (and you) do make me laugh out loud.
    Plus, that Idaho Star is gorgeous.

  2. Dear Stewey, I apologize for blabbing to the whole blogger world about your mom's writing abilities. (okay, it was probably only about 100 people who actually saw that post.) It will never happen again. (Sometimes I lie.)

    HOWEVER, your mother and I may have been separated at birth because I, too, am perfectly content to never leave the house. And I get my coffee mail order.

  3. Stewey it is so thoughtful of you to fill us in when your Mom is busy elsewhere. I understand her wanting the day to be over with. It's probably best to just humor her today and let her do what she wants, whether it's practice a speech or dress you up in your Sunday best and pretend you are Gerard Butler.

  4. You'd better be careful Stewey - if your mo-ther finds out that in most parts of the UK you can order groceries online from the big supermarket chains and get them delivered to your door you could be emigrating ...

    And then you won't be peeing on the drapes. You'll be peeing on the curtains. Whole new lingo for you to learn...!

  5. Stewey - I'm sorry - I just can't stop encouraging your mom to write her witty posts! I enjoy them just too much (along with all her wonderful stitching). Be a dear Stewey, and take your mom a glass of Diet Coke. And then run like hell - I'm sure she's not going to be pleased with you post! LOL

  6. Now Stewey you better be nice to Mommy or she just might forget those cookies. I LOVE when she makes me laugh. I love when YOU make me laugh as well. Even when you don't mean too.
    As for today's Anniversary..... All the more reason to be a good boy and indulge Mommy. Either that or you might be sorry about the tears. I understand what Mommy and Aunt Chrissy are going through. (I'm not looking forward to December 6th. That is my day to remember. And I have already warned Rory about what to expect.)

  7. I hallucinating or do those Idaho Stars look a little bit like ZINNIAS?!?!?!?
    (Did you do that on purpose, huh?)
    ANYWAY, I LOVE THE VINEYARD SILK COLORS YOU USED - it looks so totally different, and yet so YOU!
    Another great finish, Coni, for your pillow pile!

  8. Master Stewey Angus Willowswamp, You, too, are quite the witty one and should also write a book! HA

    Ok, Idaho Star is really looking good. Keep up the good work, and I pray you are able to find that one place to deliver your Diet Coke to you. Sorry Stewey, I just couldn't resist.

  9. I have a fuppy shelf... does that count?

  10. I am eagerly awaiting the hard-cover version of "Notes from Master Stewey Angus Willowswamp, His Very Self"! And this first edition will sit on my shelf with "Travels With Charlie", The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin", "White Fang", "The Call of the Wild", and "Lad, A Dog"!

    Love the Idaho Star too!

  11. Stewey,
    You are a hoot. Love reading your columns - you are as funny as your mo-ther. I understand that there are some internet dog sites that deliver super delicious treats to your home.

    Psst Coni - Idaho Star is just beautiful - glad to hear that you will be framing it to hang in your house.

  12. Stewey -

    You are as entertaining as your mother - have you ever considered going on a book tour with her?

  13. stewey
    when your momma finds out you've been on the puter again w/o her knowing....well my friend, it may be no doozie ball for you....consider yourself forewarned

  14. Well, Stewey, not to exacerbate your Mom's Pulitzer Prize fantasy, but I DID just nominate her on my own blog for an "Honest Scrap" award (don't ask me -- I don't know what it means, either) as one of the bloggers who inspires me! Maybe you could lure her out of the house with the promise of another game of pumpkin. (Watch out for the bees.)

  15. I have a Fuppy box too and didn't know it had a name -- imagine that !!! This blog is hysterical !!! and the Idaho Star is gorgeous !!! thank you Stewey for all the answers and remember -- Be nice to your Mo-ther !!!!!

  16. Stewey -- I can tell that you're the real brains behind all the wittiness in your household. Thanks for setting us all straight. :)

  17. Master Stewey, I think you are looking to write a novel yourself. And share the limelight with your mo-ther! Imagine the bestseller it would become! I can see it now, "Life with Mo-ther by Master Stewey Angus Willowswamp, his very self" !!

    Tell your mo-ther her Idaho Star is beautiful!