My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's stomping around the house with the Yellow Pages looking for a lawyer, a bail bondsman, and a pharmaceutical company that will sell her sedatives in bulk. Since I just peed on the drapes a few minutes ago, I figured I better get in here and look like I'm doing something, or I'm pretty sure she's gonna' go ballistic. I might even get a smack on my heiney. (Not that Mom ever does that...she always threatens it, but then wimps out at the last minute). So until her hand actually meets my butt, we'll just keep the ASPCA on speed dial.
Let's see....what can I tell you all about? Firstly, let me report that both Mom and Aunt Chrissy had an incredible visit with Father Hesburgh yesterday. I know this, because the two of them wouldn't shut up about it all night long. They were there about a half-hour and Mom said that neither one of them cried or snotted anything out of their noses, and they got to tell Father what a huge impact he had on the family. He smoked his cigar and asked Mom all about herself and made her feel like she was a somebody instead of the colossal loser that she usually thinks she is. He gave them a very special blessing and they left there feeling like they had just had the experience of a lifetime. I'm sure she'll tell you more about it when she decides to stop muttering under her breath about malpractice and migraines.
I'm not exactly sure what happened, but Mom went to her doctor this morning and then came home and called Aunt Chrissy and yelled a lot. I think the gist of it is that another doctor that Mom went to last year for her lady parts completely ignored something and told her to keep taking some kind of pill, and now these pills are making Mom have headaches. Then I heard her screaming something about Judy Blume and facial hair and I got the hell outta' there. Bosco told me that ladies go through something called THE CHANGE, but he wasn't too sure what they CHANGED into. All I know is that when I had my "change", I came home missing two of my body parts and I had to wear a stupid cone thing on my head for a week.
So I've been sitting here trying to put it all together, and all I've come up with is that one of Mom's aunts isn't going to come for a visit anymore because somebody has paws? And Mom came home from the WalGreens with something called Sally Hansen Extreme and Speedy Facial Hair Remover instead of those Kotex thingies that I'm NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER! I also noticed that she had a box of wine that was a little bigger than usual, so I'm guessing we're in for a loooong night.
I'm going to get my bicycle out of the garage later and go over to Aunt Chrissy's house so that Bosco and I can look stuff up on the innernets. First I have to figure out who this Judy Blume person is. One of the things Mom said to Aunt Chrissy was: "Judy Blume was there when we hit puberty, got our periods, had our first kiss, and lost our virginity. Where the EFF is she now, huh?" I know she said "EFF" because usually when Mom's face gets that red I hear that word a LOT. So somehow I have to figure out who this lady is, and maybe I can call her on the phone or something and get her to talk my mom off the ledge?
And I have to look up thermostats, because I'm pretty sure ours is broken. I looked at it this morning when Mom was in the shower and it said that it was 48 degrees in here. Call me crazy, but that seems a little cold to me. I mentioned something about this last night, but Mom didn't hear me because she was busy pulling her pajamas over her head and then throwing them on the floor. And then, she slept in an old tank top and bike shorts from 1987! I wasn't even born yet, but I'm pretty sure that even THEN it was a bad look for her. What the hell is she thinking?
Uh oh. Looks like Mom is starting to head for the drapes! I better get outta' here and go hide in my fort under the bed. I'll write more later if I can figure out how to get the laptop under there. If you don't hear from me in a few days, please send cookies. And a dart gun.
Ah, the "changes"! Have faith, Stewey, they don't last forever, and Mom should always call then "POWER SURGES".
ReplyDeleteTell Mom to sing "We are women, hear us roar!" when she feels the red rising!
I like to think of it as private summer....! Wine certainly cannot hurt.
ReplyDeleteOk, I spit out my diet coke laughing so hard! Thanks! Now I have to clean up my keyboard!
ReplyDeleteJust think how much the hot flashes will save you on your heating costs. Always a silver lining somewhere!
Isn't being a girl great? I know I'm enjoying the slide from "hot as hell" to "freezing my ass off" so, so much. Oh well, it could be worse (my favorite game to play with my sister) ... you could have a tumor behind your face (old, old Oprah show). Thanks for the laughs today!
ReplyDeleteDear, sweetie Stewey – you are a total riot! Thanks for filling us in on what your mom is doing. Tell her she has my sympathies – I think I’ve started to go through the change myself. I’m also feeling in one of those kinds of moods, too, because I just went and had “my girls” squished the other day – all I could think about is what would happen to the girls if I actually fainted while I was in that device – would the device still stay clamped, and would my girls be ripped off me, or would I have to faint standing up?
ReplyDeleteI’m pretty sure the device had to have been invented by a man, and I bet that if men had to go through similar indignities while they are getting tested for male-type cancers, then I’m sure they would have come up with a more comfortable torture device (I had this thought in my head on the drive home from the hospital – I probably shouldn’t have been thinking about men’s parts getting squished in the device, it sure didn’t help my driving!)
OMG Stewey, you are so funny.
ReplyDeleteTell your mom that this too shall pass. It may take awhile, but then she'll have more wrinkly skin and maybe a muffin top on the tummy. Something even more fun to look forward to...
Dear sweet Stewey... http://judyblume.com/home.php
ReplyDeleteThis might help you understand who the awesome Miz Blume is, but it won't help your Mom. Be a good boy, do not pee on anything for a while, go on your walkies when told too, give Mom extra cuddles and playtime and be patient.
Oh Stewey I love you so.....hang in there little one this too shall pass.....
ReplyDeleteI too am spitting my effn diet coke out of my nose!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stewey, your mom wasn't this funny on the telephone a short while ago! Believe me, this will all pass, and if you need to come have a sleep over with Gizzie, come on over, I have no drapes low enough for you or Gizzie to mark, but there is a nice little plant Gizzie can show you that is his favorite!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am LMAO..Stewey you are a riot.. Hugs to you sweetie..Connie
ReplyDeleteAh Stewey my darling little boy, my advice is to get down low and go go go. Just remember that your mummy still loves you no matter what she tells you when she starts going red in the face. A well timed kiss and cuddle will win you lots of brownie points and maybe even the odd cookie or two.
ReplyDeleteStewey,
ReplyDeletePlease try to be patient with your mom because she means well.
I myslelf have been going through some changes and it can be upsetting to others who have no clue.
I think you are adorable and tell your mom that she made my day.
Now, I don't feel so alone in this matter.
I to read all the Judy Blume books and wonder why she hasn't written a book on this yet? It would after all help us on those days when it seems to be falling apart and we could use a shoulder to cry or laugh on.
Stewey be sure and apologize to your mom about peeing on the drapes and give her lots of love.
(((Hugs))) to you both
Oh, Stewie. You are such a riot! Tell Mom to hang in there, we are heading into new territory here. Be strong. This too will pass.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hoot! Stewey, I know there have been suggestions that your mom needs to write a book. I really think the two of you need to be on TEE VEE. The two of you absolutely make my day with each and every new post. Keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I am ROFLMAO! Just tell Mom that they are not hot flashes, they are power surges! From now on she will be 49% sweetheart and 51% b*tch, so be prepared. Tell her not to take HRT - it can cause breast cancer. Tell her to go to a health food store and get soy isoflavone concentrate - made by GNC. It worked wonders for me.
ReplyDeleteOh Stewey, I thought you were done with all that peeing on mommies things. Don't you remember our talk about how cute only goes so far and doesn't last forever? I'm sure it wasn't your fault, no you were probably rushed the last time you went outside. Mommie's been acting so weird lately. I'm looking at your picture. Clearly not your fault at all, Little Stewey.
ReplyDeleteYour mom might become forgetful, she'll need you to remind her when you need something, like to open the door when nature calls. In case you haven't noticed, people are hard to train. Mommies are much easier to train than daddies so at least you have that to be thankful for. Well keep on smiling Stewey, like in your picture, and you'll be just fine. Pet,pet,ear rub, ear rub, tail pull.
Sending cooling thoughts from across the ocean.
ReplyDeleteAnd Stewey - you can help! Get that tail of yours wagging so fast it creats a draft. There's something about a wagging tail that calms people down, and the draft will REALLY be welcome.
Dear Stewey, I love hearing your commentaries! Just remember, your kind is known for it's unconditional love, and that's what your mom needs more than anything now! (and ease up on the curtains, k?)
ReplyDeleteThanks for entertaining us, Stewey, with a great post about your Mom. You need to be very understanding of what she's going through, and lay low when the grouchies get the best of her. :)
ReplyDeleteaww stewey , my household is also going through the same thing. Cats and dog beware!
ReplyDeleteDear Spinster Stitcher. I am the publisher of Needlepoint Now. I was directed to your site by one of your readers. I am looking for good writers for the magazine. If you are interested please email me at editor.needlepointnow.com.
ReplyDeleteOMG. I think I just peed my pants from laughing so hard! Thank god I wasn't drinking a Coke too, or my monitor would be very sticky and wet now!
ReplyDelete