Sep 4, 2008

BEWARE OF DOG

I'd love to show you stitching. Really. I would. But there is NONE to show since I had to undergo/endure a sleep study last night. I am living proof that you can, in fact, fail at almost anything if you try hard enough.

I arrived at the appointed time of 7:30 pm with pillows and stitching bag in hand, as well as the semi-new pajamas that are semi-decent enough for public consumption. (Am I the only person on the planet that pulls scraps of material out of the dryer that should go immediately into the rag bin, but decides that they're "good enough to sleep in"?) If my house ever catches on fire, I'll be the one clutching a raincoat around me trying to hide the 15-year old t-shirt and bike shorts ensemble that I used to wear when working out. And since it's been at LEAST 15 years since I've worked out, you can imagine the state of my night wear.

Chrissy told me that I would just sit there and watch movies and stitch until it was time to get hooked up for bed. Nope. Not THIS sleep lab. Within 10 minutes of putting my fanny in the green pleather recliner, I was scrubbed, pasted, and attached to wires and probes and sensors. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and, most tragically, I couldn't stitch.

So I sat in the pleather recliner and pouted while flipping through the six channels on the TeeVee set. I will confess that three of the channels were broadcasting the RNC convention, so I did manage to catch about 3/4 of Sara Palin's speech. (Am I the only person who thinks she looks like an Entertainment Tonight correspondent?) Now if you're looking for me to start talking politics, sorry, kids. I would rather show you pics from my latest colonoscopy than get into any discussion of politcs, religion, sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, or the general state of affairs at my local Target store. I'm just not gonna' do it, but thanks for asking.

At 11:45 ON THE DOT, my new BFF Joanne came in to tell me it was time for bed. So I did a pitiful attempt at my nightly ablutions and headed back into the bedroom for what I assumed would be a pleasant 10 or 11 hours of shut-eye.

Here's a summary:

J: OK, Coni, into bed so I can hook you up. That's a good girl now. Just let me attach all of this stuff to the monitors and you'll be on your way.
ME: OK. I'm usually a really good patient for almost anything you have to do to me, so I'm sure this will be easy.
J: All hooked up now, dear. Now just make sure to sleep on your back and I'll come in and wake you up at six.
ME: My back? I'm sorry, but did you say sleep on my back?
J: Yes, you have to so that we can get a good test.
ME: Joanne, you've got a better shot at watching me pole vault this building than you do of even getting me onto my back, let alone getting me to sleep that way. I don't DO back.
J: Well, you're going to have to try. Now close your eyes and go to sleep.
ME: But I can't! I can't lay on my back! And what's that red light blinking at me on the ceiling?
J: That's the camera.
ME: You mean you want me to try to sleep on my back and then you're going to WATCH me try to sleep on my back!!!!
J: Yes, now go to sleep.
ME: I NEED VALIUM! I NEED AN ATTORNEY! I NEED MY STEWEY! I CAN'T SLEEP ON MY BACK! DON'T YOU PEOPLE WATCH ANIMAL PLANET! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE POOR UNSUSPECTING TURTLES OF THE GALAPAGOS ISLANDS OR WHERE EVER THEY'RE FROM, I CAN'T REMEMBNER, BUT HAVENT' YOU EVER SEEN THOSE POOR THINGS FLIP OVER ONTO THEIR BACKS AND THEN DIE!!!!??????
J: You're not a turtle, dear. Now go to sleep.

I won't bore you with the next six hours because a) they involved a lot of swearing and finger pointing (hey, if they were going to watch me lay there helplessly I figured I'd put at least ONE finger to good use) and b) I am so ashamed that I wasn't able to do a basic human function for six lousy hours that I need to go hit myself in the head with a rock.

Needless to say, it was a LOOOOOOOONG night and I swear, as God is my witness, I will never go near a sleep lab again so long as I live, so help me God, as I live and breathe, etc. etc. etc.

So that's why there's no stitchy pics today, and that's why Stewey and I are headed for the sleigh bed for the next week or so to do some much-needed commiserating that Mommie had to go through such an awful trauma and nobody wants to give her any sympathy whatsoever. Sniff sniff. Sigh.

A lovely stitchy friend reader pointed out that I have not talked about my necessary. So sorry, Kathy. I do promise that my next post will be all about it.

So, goodnight, Cleveland. If I'm not back in a week or so, please send a Starbucks and my stitchy bag. I'm in for the duration.

13 comments:

  1. Hi Coni,

    I hope you are home having a nap so you can catch up on your sleep after your adventure last night!

    Here's something fun for you!

    After reading about your frustration with the project that shall not be named, I thought that I needed to show you an alternative from one of "our" favorite designers. Please check out one of Pat's recent new designs from Heartstrings. Since Pat writes wonderful stitch guides, I'm sure that you won't be frustrated with this project!

    http://www.artistscollection.net/Artists_Collection/Hearts,_Birds,_Quilts_%26_Seasons.html

    Look about halfway down the page at, "It's a Grand Old Flag"

    This is on my "to buy" list but I've promised myself that I have to finish several projects before I order the canvas and the fibers.

    Please note that I am not responsible for any enabling or additions to the credit card bills! LOL!!!

    Enjoy!

    Cynthia
    Windy Meadow

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  2. Oh you poor thing! You must be exhausted! I can't sleep on my back either!

    My Dr did order a home version of a sleep study and I could lay however I wanted to. I just had a thing on my finger and a little computer that measured my blood oxygen levels overnight. They were able to determine that I didn't have apnea and didn't need any further sleep studies. I wonder if something like that would be an option for you?

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  3. I could not get over Sarah Palin's resemblance to Tina Fey. I think it's the glasses

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  4. You just crack me up. Thanks for giving me a huge laugh. My doctor wants me to have a sleep study done and I refused because there's no way I would ever be able to fall asleep on my back, hooked up to wires with people watching me. Sorry, it aint gonna happen ;)

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  5. I echo the sleep study business. I mean really who can sleep on their back...with people watching?

    I agree that Palin reminds me of Tina Fey or an Entertainment Tonight person.

    Well, sleep better tonight!

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  6. So how much did you or your insurance company pay to find out that you can sleep pretty darn well at home????

    I vote for the Tina Fey resemblance.

    Sweet dreams.
    Jane
    www.janew1102.typepad.com

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  7. I don't have any fancy jammies, either. I sleep in an old t-shirt year-round. At home...visiting family...wherever. Although if we're out of town, I take a pair of comfy shorts or flannel pants along in the event I need to encounter someone else.

    Sorry to laugh about your sleep study adventure! I'm not normally a back sleeper, but because of my allergies, I've learned. Breathing is a key element to life, and when my allergies are at their worst, the only way I can breathe is on my back.

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  8. You had me holding my sides with laughter, sorry the sleep study was awful, but Oooo so funny, I can't sleep on my back either. Hope you have managed to catch up with the lost sleep now.

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  9. That post was hilarious....hope everything works out!!! That's what I would send for...starbucks and my stitching!!!!

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  10. Sounds a horrendouse experience, hope you are fully recovered.

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  11. Ah ha! I always knew these sleep studies were horrible experiences!! This is why I have staunchly refused to undergo one. And now we know "the REST of the story." (No pun intended.)

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  12. i don't do stitching, but i always do funny! ha! a stitchy friend sent me. funny as hell.

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  13. S.P. reminds me of the lady in the lens crafters commercials.

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