Mar 26, 2020


I had my FaceTime visit with Dr Melfi today, and we decided that it's time for me to get a script for Xanax on board to help stop the panic attacks at dialysis.

So I call my family doctor, Dr N, and I explain the entire thing to her medical assistant.

In great detail.

About how I am deep breathing and looking at pictures of sunsets and coloring mandalas and thinking happy thoughts and petting a virtual puppies and practicing good sleep hygiene and counting backwards from 100 and stitching and baking and reading and deep-knee bending and all of the other things I can do to just. calm. the. bleepity bleep. down.


And then....

Wait for it...

You know it's coming...

I went into the kitchen and re-filled my 27ounce cup of damn good with number seven for the day.


What can I say, Dearies?

Sometimes I am just not smart enough to work my way out of a wet paper bag with two hands, a flashlight, and a pair of scissors.

Never fear. I'm still going to slurp my damn good with impunity, but will switch it to decaf the minute I start to get twitchy and hear colors and taste sounds and smell words. I've kind of enjoyed that, and have found it a pleasant way to pass the time, but I guess keeping Starbucks in business isn't doing me any favors in the fritzing department.

On a more serious note...

If you are struggling at the moment and have issues with anxiety or depression or....anything, really, please please please do not be afraid to ask for help. You're not nuts. You're not a hypochondriac. You're a human person in an extraordinary circumstance.


And watch the caffeine.


  1. You filled your coffee cup with some Jack Daniels? I think Kahlua might taste better with coffee, but perhaps I should give Old No 7 a try and see how it goes...I've never considered that combo before. Whatever, these are stressful times! Hugs to you Coni!

  2. Oops - I had 3 cups yesterday! Without the extras though - run out of rum. As a child I used to have a spoon of malt and cod liver oil - found it in our local pharmacy. I don't know if it is any good but it reminds me of my childhood. The other week I accidentally bought a jar of malted barley goo. Soooo into a cup of hot oat milk (can't have cow milk) a spoonful went. Such yumminess. Slept like a log! Husband said "you snored all night!" Oh payback time then! LOL!
    Oops sorry - I thought Dr Melfi was one of those funny emails you get! Poor Dr Genuine Person Melfi! Oh the joys of memory fuzz as I age - not!

  3. Hold on a sec....who decided to make caffeine our enemy? :(
    Hang in there friends!!

  4. Several years ago I complained to my doctor of my heart racing in the evening and bought myself a full cardio workup. Dr Cardio suggested it was caffeine. I scoffed. Fast forward a few weeks after a particularly coffee fueled road trip for work and an evening sitting on the sofa with a racing heart. Damnit. He was right. I know drink what I bitterly call a coffee like product-two scoops of Decaf Cafe Verona and one scoop of the good stuff. Sigh. To be fair though, I've probably drunk enough coffee in my lifetime for five or six people!

  5. Coni, do you have synesthesia? Do you really smell words and feel colors?

  6. Synesthesia is not a caffeine related problem. Sorry.... :)