I am decidedly unwell today, Dearies. It started yesterday in the chair after seven unsuccessful attempts to get me hooked up to Beepy, and continued into the wee hours with wanting to crawl under a rock.
Maybe a virus. Maybe a flu. Maybe the weather, or something I picked up from a fellow patient or tech. Maybe it's just par for the course at this stage of the game. No matter the origin, though, methinks I would prefer this little visitor to make his or her way elsewhere...toot sweet.
The hardest thing about being me today (and most days), is that my brain is singing "Oh, what a beautiful morning!" and looking forward to various and sundry fun things on the agenda, but my body is singing a big fat "Nope! No way, no how!"
I suppose that this is the plight of most folks these days, especially those with chronic illness or advancing age or circumstances that prevent them from doing all the things. But, because I've always had a head like a rock, I never realized I am one of them. (You give me a fifteen foot wall and I will claw my way to the utility closet to find the sixteen foot ladder.)
It's not a matter of ego. I just realized early on that there are those that are gifted with brains or beauty or talent or ability, and then there are those of us who have....grit and determination. It's not a self-depricating comment, Dearies, I promise you. I am, if nothing else, a realist. And I know that I might have to work a little harder, but the reward is worth it in the end.
Hmmmm. All of this naval gazing on a Thursday. I suppose it is the result of trying to do all of the big hard things and trying to figure out how to do these big hard things and not lose my mind or drop dead in the process, but do them I must.
Dialysis just sucks. I know it. You know it. Every single person on the planet who has ever done it knows it. It's awful and hard and scary and painful and a bit of a nightmare that you get to look forward to every other day...for an unknown period of time.
But there is a very large part of me left that realizes that it is an enormous blessing that is literally keeping me alive. It is, for the most part, a very minor inconvenience in the scope of things, and I really do thank God each and every day that it is an option that is a available to me.
But it still sucks.
Today's plan will come together after I've had another cup of damn good and read the paper. I long for the days when my feet hit the floor and I was semi-coherent and got on with it, but for now I need to learn to function through this morning blur and just make sure I am upright, bathed, and have pants on.
I am still loving RVC, and hope that I can spend some time with her later this afternoon. I took a look at her sans q-snaps the other day and was pleasantly surprised at how much I have finished thus far. If I really buckled down and concentrated on her exclusively, methinks she could be finished (and maybe off to the framer) soon. Besides...pulling that silk through that linen is better than any other therapy I can think of, so maybe I should start making that a priority on my list of things to do to stay semi-sane!
The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting sweetly, the clouds are big and fat and puffy, and I am determined to make the most of the day. Thank you for indulging my "off-ness" today...I promise to get my head out of my heiney.
Do something wonderfully fun today and come tell me all about it. Tell me what's blowing your skirt up...what has you vexed or stumped....what tools you're obsessed with....or who has made your heart sing today! Cheerio and WooHoo and all of that...Happy Thursday!