And I want to go home.
The last four days have found me at the bottom of a very deep, very dark well of missing home and realizing that it's been almost a year since Stewey's diagnosis...which means our MommieSteweyversary is coming up as well.
I thought I had a handle on this, but apparently...I do not.
The worst part of this sadness is the guilt and shame that comes when I realize how very blessed and how very lucky I am to have landed in such a lovely apartment and that the tremendous love and generosity and support of this community saved my life, but I'm still sitting here wanting to be home looking out at the trees and birds and see my Little curled in his little bed in front of the patio window.
I'm sad. And scared. And tired and lonely and worried and overwhelmed and feeling sorry for myself, and that's just not like me. No matter how low, or how hard the stuggle, or how hopeless the situation might be, I am usually able to pull out of it and soldier on.
But not today.
Today I just sat and cried and wanted to go home.
I knew this move was going to be hard, and I knew that all of the losses of last year would eventually catch up with me, and I knew that as the kidneys failed I would start to feel worse and worse, but I guess I just didn't think it would all happen at once.
But it would appear that the universe is trying to keep me on my proverbial toes, since I feel like I just might have been dropped into the middle of the ring for the fight of my life...but I'm not sure if I have it in me to get my dukes up anymore.
I just want to go home. And I just want to go back to my life with my sister and my dog and my stitching and my books and my coffee and a heart and head that were full of joy and laughter instead of grief and sadness.
Tomorrow is another day. I've promised myself that it will be better than today and that this is just something I'm going to have to get through, but boy, do I wish it would hurry up. I need to get on with this new life, and despite all evidence to the contrary today, there's no room in it for this weepiness and sense of ugh to continue...
Enough.
A twelve hour session in the Happy Chair yielded a new start by way of Northern Expressions Needlework. This is Star Spangled Banner done on a mystery piece of 28 count linen that was in the pattern bag, along with the called for DinkyDyes silks and Mill Hill beads:
I don't know if I will continue with this tomorrow or not, but it was a good thing to have in my hands today...very meditative once I got going on it.
Thanks for listening, dear friends. I hope that things in your corner of the world are not quite so...fraught...as mine seem to be at the moment.
More tomorrow, I promise. If I can, I am going to try to do a little work around here to see if I can settle in a bit more. Maybe a few pictures on the wall and a good meal or two will bring me out of this.
I hope.
Tues night, nope, actually early Wednesday morning...I'll say prayers for you tonight. Please don't feel sad. Go to bed thinking of how beautiful you will decorate your new apt and how this is just one more step toward healing of physical, mind & spirit. Tomorrow, go to a movie or a stitchy store or a book store....get out of the house. Treat yourself to a coffee & lunch out. When you get home, you will be so tired & happy to be "home" in that new lovely apt & happy to leave all the noise to the outside world. Fix a comfort food dinner, turn on a good show (love the Frankie & Gracie on Netflix) and get out your stitching. You'll be back to normal! Love & prayers!!
ReplyDelete{{{Coni}}}
ReplyDeletePrayers and comfort my dear. I hurt for you! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Luv
ReplyDeleteMaryO1230 😇
I feel for you. So many things happening at once is bound to knock anyone sideways. Compounded if changes had to be made and if change is hard. I know because I can be the same way. Just allow yourself to flow along with the emotions but treat yourself well and above all, go easy on yourself. One day at a time:)
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought of getting a therapist? I only ask because I went to one for about 7 years and it changed my life. I think for the first year I would just cry for an hour on her couch. Grief and loss had taken over my life. You have and are going through the most stressful situations there are. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteDearest Coni,
ReplyDeleteWhat to say? Often times words of comfort seem like platitudes to someone in the depths of sorrow. You can't go backwards and yet going forward is so difficult. I hope you're getting some sleep and that tomorrow will be kinder to you. God bless you.
Sandra in Texas
Lovely Coni. You are having gargantuan loads of stress and challenges chucked at you right now. Speak to the transplant team as I am sure they have recommended therapists that you could arrange to have a chat with. Use some of the Spinster Stitcher Love Fund to talk through your grief and anxiety properly.....I highly recommend it. You have so many people rooting for you, but a bit of one-on-one talking with no need to feel like you have to end it with an up-note for the readership ( much as we appreciate your efforts!) might be a great relief and help. And, you know, working out the Stewie grief, dealing with the move and stressing about your health and your relationship with your sister, is all going to take time....so get as much help on board as you can. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteAlison
Godalming UK
❤️
ReplyDeleteHugs...
ReplyDelete((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteMarilyn
Dear Coni,
ReplyDeleteYou have had many significant life events in the last year or so, that constitute major stressors. When I read this post, I remembered where I was about 18 years ago - when all I wanted was the life I had been living, and it was all ripped away against my wishes. I wanted to go back, not forward. There were no plans, goals, dreams, or desire for the future. I had to get professional help in the person of a therapist who was able to help me move through the mourning process for what was the life I had known, and eventually be able to move forward into the present with joy and anticipation. I was feeling profound sadness, emotional shock, extreme emotional fragility...it was depression triggered by traumas. I was in my mid-40s, and all that peri-menopause stuff didn't help either. It can be very difficult to find a therapist that "gets" you, and can be your ally in working through the mourning process, but it is important to do so. And it might not seem helpful for the first few months, but you have grieving to do, and having a coach and guide was something I found invaluable.
There is no stigma or disgrace in getting professional help to move through this stage in your life. Please, please, please, as I read your words in this post, I almost cannot find the right words myself to tell you I know, I feel, I identify with - you at this point in your life and have a strong sense of what it takes to move forward out of the black little corner that your soul sits in so often. Letting someone take your hand and walk with you back out into the sunlight is a very good thing, summon the courage and will to reach out your hand to a professional who can move you along that path with compassion and guidance.
I am glad you have the stitching, it is excellent meditation. My therapist would say you also need fresh air and sunshine daily (that sounds so lame, doesn't it?), in addition to time to heal, but she meant it.
In addition to a great therapist, I had a secret weapon - I am not Catholic, but my Dad's best buddy is, and his sister is a sister. I had a whole bunch of them lifting me up in prayer - just as you have a whole bunch of us lifting you up in prayer. They still pray for me. What can I say? I am certain about the power of prayer, collective thoughts lifting up the soul consistently and sincerely.
I am also certain that you will move through this, although there will days you won't feel that will happen, I am certain you will find joy to share and joy in anticipation of what the future holds, but there is hard work to do to get there. I pray you find someone wise to guide you on that difficult journey, I pray you find the faith to know the hard work will be worth it, I pray tomorrow is better for you, prayers continue with love.
Ginger
I so agree with all of those who have suggested a therapist. You can't go through this alone. You need someone to help you navigate through this part of your life.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to feel this way. You're mourning. You'll move through it. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteThe darkest hour is always before the dawn.
ReplyDeleteThere is really nothing I can say to add to what has been said, except know that you are surrounded by prayers & love of your friends. Adding my hugs
ReplyDeleteWhat Ginger said. Post haste. Situational depression. Mindy
ReplyDeleteLove, hugs and prayers, ♥ Cathryn
ReplyDelete>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>hugs<<<<<<<<<<<<<
ReplyDeleteConi, my heart hurts for you & all you are going through....I will continue to pray for strength and better days. Hugs from MN💞
ReplyDeleteConi,
ReplyDeleteI got divorced about 5 years ago and when I moved into my new apartment, all I wanted to do was go back home. It was extremely tragic period of my life. My whole life went into instant insanity. I did not know how to process it, but somehow I did. It takes a while to process change but one day you wake up and you are there.
There are still days that I want my home, I want my kids to enjoy life the way they use to enjoying life but it was stripped away because my ex could not *Live like this anymore*. So off he sent me and the kids packing.
Life change is tough, but you find yourself getting stronger because you have no other choice. I went to therapy before I divorced my ex and he was he main reason, plus past experiences that affected me. I will tell you he therapist gives you tools to cope. I had used the various tools to help cope and make me the strong person I am today. Was it easy, no, but I would not trade my 5 year ago self with my today self.
Therapy may be the answer. A person is trained to help you cope with various things going through your life. You have been through a big transition. Let someone in you life to help you through the days. I understand transition, but I also enjoy seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!!
You put into words exactly how I feel. I pray there are better days ahead for both of us.
ReplyDeleteDear Coni, I am so sorry. It's hard not to wish for the comfort of CS1 when so much is going on. You have had so many huge, life-changing events/stressors all in a short period of time. I don't think I can add to what has been said but am sending more hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry that you are having a crap time, but you need to let yourself grieve. Give yourself permission to feel like crap - if it helps (it does me) time box it. Give yourself a specific period of time to wallow (that's what I call it) and feel like crap. Yell, scream, cry, rail at the winds. Then when you're finished, pull your big girl panties up and conquer the world. We all need to release the anger and grief inside or it will just fester and come out at the most inopportune times. We are thinking of you, and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThere's really not much I can add to what others have said, but if I had gone through what you have in the last year, I would be curled up in a foetal ball with my thumb in my mouth, howling to the heavens. Give yourself time to grieve for everything you've lost, take it gently and gradually I hope you'll find the good times will start to outweigh the bad. We are all rooting for you.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you. And a giant hug whenever you want/need it.
ReplyDeletePrayers and happy thoughts coming your way. You know, you're allowed to have bad days, weeks, months, after all, you are human and you have a lot on your plate. Just keep movin' and prayin'. And know we all love you out here in blog land.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry everything is so hard right now. Just remember grief has no timetable and it can sneak up on you like a rogue wave. Somehow it always kicks you when you are down too, like when you are sick and tired and trying to cope with change and uncertainty. Hope for better days as they will surely show up sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteConi, you continue to be lifted up in my thoughts and prayers along with the rest of this community of ours. Let yourself grieve as you have had significant life changes this past year. Some days will be better than others and slowly, but surely the good days will outnumber the not so good. Sending you gentle hugs! Your flag start looks fabulous.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Coni. You needed to be upbeat to handle all the work involved with the move, and you were. The reality of it is settling in and pulling you down. Dealing with anniversary sadness and health issues piled on top of missing your house, must feel like you are in mourning. Hoping you are lifted soon.
ReplyDeleteHugs Coni ♥️
ReplyDeleteI join in the chorus of those who say get a therapist. But also find a support group of people dealing with grief and depression. Talking to others who understand how you feel can be tremendously comforting and helpful. My son is a recovering drug addict who suffered his whole life, even as a child, from anxiety and depression. He has made a new life for himself by being in a place where he is surrounded by people like him. They help each other stay strong in the face of the demons they still face. Although you love your Happy Chair, go out every day and try to find a social support group. Too much time alone may not be good for you either.
ReplyDeleteConi, I hope this won't sound callous, but maybe you're overthinking this. I know you feel horrible and are frightened and that's ok. Accept that you feel horrible and are frightened. Acceptance is a great help in moving forward in life. I've had migraines since my teens, and about 17 years ago, they became so debilitating that I spent almost two years in bed. I'll never get those two years of my son's life back. And one day I informed my doctors that since they couldn't fix me, I wasn't going to be a medication guinea pig any longer. I accepted that I'd never return to my full-time job with great benefits, asked Social Security to close my disability claim, and I started freelancing. Once I accepted that I wasn't getting my previous life back and quit fighting the situation, I was able to move forward on new terms. I still have migraines; I'm still self-employed; and I have two kids now. And while I can't do everything I'd like with my daughter, I'm present in her life in a way I wasn't able to be for my son at that age. Better days are ahead, I promise.
ReplyDeletePlease let your primary care doctor know how you are feeling. Your life changes along with physical changes may have had an impact on your brain chemistry. The short term support of an antidepressant can work wonders. And, supportive therapy is a godsend.
ReplyDeleteExactly what I was going to suggest. Coni, we love you and want the best for you. I know adding to your current meds is probably not what you want, but antidepressants can be a godsend. (Hugs)
DeleteEveryone else has said it better, but I urge you to not suffer alone. Let your trusted friends know that you are circling the black hole right now and certainly let your doctor know- you need someone close to occasionally check in. Go outside a bit. Cry, rest, heal. So many of us have been in similar places and We Know, Coni, really. We love you. Lots of supportive prayers, my girl. -p.
ReplyDeleteSo many hugs, Coni. Get yourself to a therapist if you can. It's ok to feel bad, especially with all the awfulness of the past year or so.
ReplyDeleteWherever you go, you take yourself with you...and you are one hell of a woman, Coni. Again, the home did not make Coni, Coni made the home and she can again... Like the others, I urge you to renew your tree experiences by
ReplyDeletegetting outdoors and surrounding yourself with green...
Grief Share is a wonderful program for working through some of your issues and the people relate to each other like no other...help is there... hope you can locate them
in your area.... I still sense loneliness in your words and all the more reason to touch the lives of others with
your unique spirit by getting out there when you are able. Pour out the concerns and malaise to a therapist for that one on one reassurance and direction. Choose her/him wisely. Above all, turn yourself over to that creative force that willed you here...for a purpose... have faith and trust...you are not alone..... it would be nice if you could "rent" a puppy for a spell ..the hugs would be reviving..In the meantime, you are being covered in love and prayers.
I was the same way after I left my husband...I had to move in with my mother, care for her, learn to drive and get a job. I couldn`t eat, lost about 50lbs and wasn`t sleeping. I was in a kind of shock. I went to my doctor and asked for anti depressants, and they turned me around so I could get a grip on my life again. I drove, I worked, I cared for my mom, and by god I could actually sleep again! There is no shame in getting therapy and/or medication. Stress will alter the brain chemistry...it is a physical cause for depression. it does not mean you are weak or crazy, just that you are human. I wish I was there to give you a hug...we could stitch and drink coffee and go for walks in the sunshine. xxoo Thinking of you every day...Mj
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of all the issues you are dealing with, but one thing to remember is that grief does not have a timetable. Acknowledge that you have been to hell and back and accept that you will start to feel better when you are ready to feel better. Unfortunately you are dealing with all this pretty much on your own, while you have a number of stitchy friends and tons of blog friends supporting you, no one is wearing your shoes right now and you can only deal with it as you are able. Cut yourself some slack, bawl, kick and scream; cursing if necessary, but know that you will get through it on your terms and don't be so hard on yourself. There are hundreds of prayers coming your way everyday, just know that. Wishing you better days ahead, they will come.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way!! I just want to give you a great big hug! And your new start is gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteLosing a loved one, confronting a serious illness, family tension, and moving are all top stressors in life. You have a basketful of stress! Toughing it out may sound good, and we Catholics sometimes think we can pray our troubles away, but God gave us therapists for a reason. Think about finding someone who will help you find your way through these days. Sending calm and peaceful thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I cried after my Yogi Dog died for years after. That was in 1997, and it's only been in the last couple of years that his memory has stopped bringing tears to my eyes. I know from experience how dark things can be when you are seriously ill and how lonely it can be to move. But I can promise you the sun will come out again. Time will inevitably march on, and you'll realize one day that your life is different than it used to be but good nonetheless. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are having such a hard day. We recently lost our house and it is a horrible thing to go through even without health issues or missing your precious Stewey. Sending you hugs today.
ReplyDeleteConi, I agree with so many of the comments already posted. Please talk to your doctor. You've gone through so much stress and still have so much to face. You don't need to do it alone. A grief counselor, support group, and/or meds would help you so much, and your doctor can help you find the best methods.
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived close to you so that I could come over and put on a floor show to boost your spirits. You are going through some very tough stuff so I can totally understand that you are feeling low. I am sending good vibes and hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteLong, tight hugs to you Coni. So sorry you're feeling so down.
ReplyDeleteConi -- what all of them said.
ReplyDeleteYes, depression can be bio-chemical and I highly recommend anti-depressants if prescribed.
Yes, talk with Dr. Melfi.
But Neuroscience also has some answers.
Quick version [but read the whole thing to know the science!] Here's what brain research says will make you happy:
•Ask "What am I grateful for?" No answers? Doesn't matter. Just searching helps.
•Label those negative emotions. Give it a name and your brain isn't so bothered by it.
•Decide. Go for "good enough" instead of 'best decision ever made on Earth.'
•Hugs, hugs, hugs. Don't text — touch.
http://www.businessinsider.com/a-neuroscience-researcher-reveals-4-rituals-that-will-make-you-a-happier-person-2015-9?pt=385758&ct=Sailthru_BI_Newsletters&mt=8&utm_source=Triggermail&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=email_article
Susan (aka Anonymous)
Coni, I suffer from severe depression and I sometimes have what I call 'lost days.' These are days that I just cannot get out of bed and get things done. They used to be days where I would feel very anxious and down because I couldn't do what 'regular' people do every day of their lives. Now, I realize that these days WILL happen and that I just need to accept that. When I feel better, I do better. Good days will come around again, and I will work extra hard on those days knowing how precious they are. Then, when the Lost Days come, I try to be kind to myself, to love myself, to nurture myself knowing that these days also will pass and the sun will shine again.
ReplyDeleteBe as gentle and kind with yourself as you were with your delightful little pup when he wasn't feeling well. You deserve love, too!
Coni - I feel so for you and just want to give you a big hug from the bottom of the world. One of my book club members said at our meeting last night to make our last thought before we go to sleep a happy one and it will help our happy thoughts first thing in the morning. I am sending you my happy thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLittle comfort but I'm not surprised you feel as you do. You've been through a hell of a lot in the last year or so. No easy fix but you are a fighter. When I'm really down I try telling myself that "this too will pass" ..... and sometimes I can make myself believe it.
ReplyDeleteLoving thoughts and gentle hugs from France xxxx
Praying for the dark days to pass and for your sunny disposition to return. Always remember that no matter what, you're never alone. Sending big hugs from Central NY!
ReplyDeleteHeartfelt thoughts and prayers, Coni. So many stressors in your life now.... I'm so sorry. I've been In similar circumstances myself......14 moves, thyroid and anxiety disorders, along with many other issues. It is so hard on the system. Things will get better....when I was crying everyday and thought I'd never be happy again, life came back around again, different, but good.. But, as others have said, I did get help along the way! Hugs to you, Coni, and wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteOh Coni.....I am so sorry my dear friend that you're feeling so down. I wish that I could help in some way, but all I can do is pray that God will give you strength to get through the time you're having now. Comfort and understanding as well as determination to feel better.
ReplyDelete