POINTS OF CLARIFICATION

Dear Friends...

Oh, I just hate it when I blather about something other than stitching on this here blog, but so many of you have asked me questions about the current state of affairs that I figured a little status update might be in order.

On the health front, I am a Stage Five (also known as End Stafe Renal Failure) kidney patient.  This means that my kidney function (or filtration rate) has dropped below 15%.  I had the surgery in January to prepare my veins for hemo dialysis so that the graph would have plenty of time to heal before starting that.  The decision to start dialysis will be made when I can no longer function adequately, and the docs are unable to help me "limp along" with medication.

In the meantime, though, I also underwent all of the testing and evaluation for a kidney transplant, with the hope that I could avoid dialysis altogether.  I was accepted into the Indiana University transplant program at the end of March with the understanding that my sister might be an eligible donor and a good match. Today I found out that I have type B blood, which means that my wait on the list for a match from another donor will be six to eight years....thus a kidney from her would be quite a blessing.

As you know from reading this blog, my relationship with my sister broke and became problematic in 2013.  The last four years have been fraught with heartbreak, tears, and more ups and downs than I can even begin to explain, but as of last Thursday, my sister's ongoing participation in the kidney donation process is now entirely in question because of choices she made about how she wanted to live her life.  I haven't spoken to her, and I have no idea if she will do what she needs to do to move forward.  All I do know at this point is that the ball is in her court.

(No pun intended, Miss Charlene!)

(Remember when I mentioned that sometimes I put something in the blog that I know will give you a chuckle?)

On the financial front, I am entirely uncomfortable with revealing my soft underbelly at this point, but I can tell you that being open to the generosity of others is not a familiar phenomenon.  I was always an independent person who lived within her means and who tried her level best to do as much as I could for others, so to find myself at age 51 in a financial cul-de-sac is both frightening and humiliating all at the same time.  But I am trying very hard to surrender guilt, shame, and embarrasment and just make smart decisions that will be helpful in the long run.  The genesis and growth of the YouCaring fund that Susan Fletcher organized leaves me...speechless.  And humbled.  It is not an overstatement to say that your kindness is literally saving my life.

It is a sure eventuality that I will be leaving Chez Spinster sooner rather than later.  I built this little dream house 15 years ago with the idea that they would someday carry me out of here feet first, but it looks like I might need to go elsewhere for a bit before I can buy it back some day and live out that dream.  I don't know where I am going to end up, which is part and parcel of about 86% of my stress, but I just breathe and re-boot and will get through it, I'm sure.

Physically, the only way I can decsribe what I'm feeling is to ask you to imagine that you've been dropped from a tall building after running a marathon with the worst flu you've ever had.  Everything is a bit...blurry, you pretty much hurt from head to toes, and sometimes the fatigue is so severe that you could just curl up in a ball in the Target parking lot.  Nothing tastes good, you are so thirsty you almost can't stand it, and the only thing you want to save what little sanity you have left is a dietCoke the size of a Buick...which is positively forbidden.

Emotionally, I don't need to tell you what Stewey's loss has meant, since so many of you have written to tell me that you miss him too.  I am pretty sure that he died when he did so that my heart would already be broken (and thus numb) when the rest of the storm hit.  After all, once you've lost everything what's one more blow to health and heart?

I am a positive person, I really am, and I was born to two of the strongest people I ever met.  But my battles are all a bit un-winable at this point, as as much as I pull on those bootstraps, there comes a point when you realize just how far out of control and beyond your reach solutions exist.  My gratitude lists are long indeed, but my list of real true problems grows exponentially.

Bosco is here and doing his level best to keep me company, but he misses his mommie frantically.  His pacing and crying for her absolutely breaks my heart, but I hold him close and make sure he has food and water and a large patch of the big girl sleigh bed to toot into each evening.  He (and I, I suppose) deserved so much better, but at least we are in it together for the time being.

I don't know what's going to happen next and I don't know what (if anything) my future holds at this point.  I'm just working my way through it all and hoping that when I finally come out on the other side there will be a good story to tell and a well-lit path for anybody coming behind me.  If I can absorb one punch or prevent one fall from happening to another person with my experience, then it will all have been worth it.

I just hope I have the strength to make it through.