Today I learned that it's OK to let Stewey have some peace and quiet in his little bed in front of the patio window while I get some things done. I've been afraid to let him out of my arms, but realized that he loves laying in his little bed and I don't want him to miss that.
I picked up a cuddle bunny at Target yesterday and laughed as I watched Stewey pounce on it and squeek the squeeker over and over. It's floppy and soft and has a sweet face, and I think that it's more for my comfort than it is for his...but that's OK.
My biggest fear in all of this is that I'm missing something...something I should be doing or asking or demanding or trying. I just don't want to make a bad decision because of me being stupid or selfish or ignorant. We sat in front of that xray, the words "bone cancer" were spoken, and everything after that was a complete blur. I've started reading about it online, but get more and more terrified and more and more devastated every time I do, so I just try to breathe instead.
Amputation and chemotherapy. On my baby. My heart. My one true little love. Would those two things cure him and allow him to live a long and happy life, or am I just buying a few very sad, very hard, very miserable months? When I asked Dr. Nieman what he would do if Stewey were his, he told me to bring him home, love him, and keep him comfortable, and I nodded dumbly and drove home determined to do just that.
But today I agonize if there isn't somebody or something out there who can tell me that there is an alternative. A new medicine or therapy or idea or treatment. Or maybe the diagnosis is off somehow and this is actually fixable....and then I realize that I'm just grasping at anything I can to avoid the reality of it all and I fall back into the nightmare.
Someday I will reveal all of my deep dark secrets that give this situation...context. Needless to say, if this was the only thing that had fallen on my head lately I would be rather ashamed of my hysterics. But the list of major "issues" on this spinster's shoulders is long and heavy, my friends, and Stewey and Stewey's companionship was the last piece of duct tape holding me together.
I'm terrified.
Loving Stewey the way you do, trust your heart and your vet. Giving him love and peace is the best gift you can give him. And for whatever reason, Bosco is in your life now to help you and Stewey. I have been down this route and I know it isn't easy. Although you may feel alone, you have many cyber friends here for you and Stewey. And I would guess that the majority of us have pets and totally understand your reaction. They are more than 4 legged companions, they are the loves of our lives, our best friends, our confidants and healers. You aren't alone and many of us will lend a hand or heart to help you through.
ReplyDeleteWe'll be here to hold your hand. . . . Gentle hugs and prayers. . . . . .for all of y'all.
ReplyDeleteYou're having a stressful time. But you and Stewey will both get through it. Trust your vet, and Stewey!
ReplyDeleteOf course you are terrified. But you will do the best thing for Stewie, as you always do. Keep that in mind and we'll keep praying for strength for you.
ReplyDeleteWe always doubt our decisions and question if there was something we could have done. Have your vet refer you to an advanced hospital where they do radiation and treatment, discuss the situation with them so you don't doubt yourself.
ReplyDelete💝 You have followed your heart with Stewey for 11 awesome years! I say keep following your heart because it has taken you and Stewey on the journey of a lifetime. That journey isn't over yet!!!! If you follow your heart as you have been for the last 11 years, you and Stewey will continue on your way following the best damn journey life has to offer. That I know for sure! I hope you will continue to allow us to share the rest of the way! You are in my thoughts always.
ReplyDeleteA terribly difficult decision, and importantly the last best thing you can do for Stewie.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and Stewey. As has been said, trust your heart and know that we're praying for you. To add to what Marly said, we took a dear four-legged family member to the University of Illinois veterinary school and were blown away by their knowledge and kindness. Perhaps you could find the same wonderful care at Indiana or Ohio State. I don't know about their vet schools, but an experience like ours is worth looking for.
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing when you asked the vet what he or she would do. They are usually very honest when asked that question. I think that you should trust your vet and your heart and know what a wonderful loving mom you are. That is the best gift of all for Stewey. Liz
ReplyDeleteHugs & Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI am crying as I type this. I understand that they are not pets that they are children, loved ones, dear ones. I have ducks and recently lost 2. One was so unexpected it took my breath away-sweet little D. The other one I knew was ailing (vet said kidney disease) and I knew I would lose her soon. i treasured every day with her and I am at peace. Treasure your days with Master Stewey and give him a snuggle from me too.
ReplyDeleteTrust your heart and your vet. If you have trusted your vet this far it is time to lean on that trust. I have seen 2 of my fur babies through cancer to the end. My vet and I believe in palative care. Keep them comfortable, love them and when they are no longer comfortable let them ho. I know that is easier said than done. Holiday passed 6 weeks after diagnosis Lady lived 4 years. My Bailey just turned 7. He was born with a malformed liver and had a 3 year life expectancy. Natural liver support a special diet and lots of love. Although I know he will break my heart I wouldn't have traded a minute and will find another rescue to break my heart when he is gone. Hang in there and know Stewey loves you as much as you love him.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Rose
While I think it important to trust your vet and what he says, I also agree with the other ladies who suggested you look into other sources. It won't necessarily change the outcome, but I think for your own peace of mind and sanity, you will know that you explored every available option for your beloved Stewey. I had a sister who had to end the suffering of one of her beloved cats and although he was clearly in need of relief from his pain, she questioned herself for months after the fact and it was very hard on her. As I said, for your own peace of mind, I would explore all options and in the end, you will absolutely make the right decision for little Stewey. I continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteTrust your heart, your vet and Stewey. You will know what to do when the time comes to make a decision. Keep him comfortable and love on him a lot. It will help your breaking heart. Even though it was very hard to put my horse, Joey, down, deep inside of me I knew it was time and the right thing to do. I miss him everyday and yes, I still look for him and listen for his nickers every morning. But I know he's not hurting and he gave me 25 wonderful years. I loved him as I know you love your little Stewey. Hugs to you...I pray for you daily, for all the things spoken and unspoken in your heart.
ReplyDeleteWhile it's good to trust your vet, it does not hurt to get a second opinion! I'd say go for it! Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers but definitely look into advanced options and for a 2nd opinion!!!!
ReplyDeleteI think that if you are comfortable with and trust your vet, to listen carefully to what s/he says. Do what you feel is best for Master Stewey, not what is best for you. Our hearts ache for you, never doubt that. Many of us have been through this.
ReplyDeleteWell, Coni, it isn't the same thing exactly, but when our puppy dog got out of the fence and was run over, she had horrible pelvic fractures and a fractured leg. She had major surgery, and was in a lot of pain even with pain meds. Her recovery was at least 4 weeks; and of course we couldn't explain it to her. If we had it to do over, I would at least think twice about putting her through all that. She ended up OK, but died at an early age anyway. Palliative care is a good option, I think. If you do look into amputation and chemo, make sure you find out what his chances are; and how the chemo would affect him. Just my thoughts. Love to you!
ReplyDeleteDebbie in Kansas
Riley started having fits at the age of 14. For two years we held him and talked him through them, but each time he lost more of his personality. He was a regal Shih Tzu who would snap his fingers for his servants (my husband and I) to bring his purple cushion forth. Bea was a rescue Shih Tzu who just wanted to be loved. She had a variety of fun costumes which she loved to show off to everyone who visited. She had a massive heart attack and couldn't climb out of the darkness. They were my babies, and I did everything I could to make sure they had the best possible life. It is much easier to cope with our own illnesses and pain, and so hard to watch someone we love be affected. You are Stewey's advocate, speaking where he can't, and because of the loving bond between you you'll do what is right for him. It sounds like you have a very good vet who can help you. Sending love and hugs from me and Sammy the Shih Tzu (my newest rescue baby)
ReplyDeleteDear Coni, In a year of horrible things, this must be the most horrible. I feel your fear and grieve with you. I have lost 4 beloved pets to cancer, 2 cats & 2 dogs, including Walden, the dog I am sure I was married to in a former life. What I have learned through this process is that the treatments don't cure the sickness. Sometimes it goes into remission for awhile like my cat who lived her last 5 years with lymphoma and died at age 20. But the others not so much. I have learned to listen closely to the vet and to make decisions based on all the facts, not just those that relieve my pain. See an veterinarian oncologist for a second opinion. And, know that you are in our hearts and prayers. With love, Susan
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers....both of you. 🙏🙏❤️
ReplyDeletesending (((huge hugs ))) for the both of you ... not commented in a while but thought I would say soooo sorry to hear the diagnosis .... been there with my last wee spaniel ... he got acute kidney failure at the tender age of 7 .. there was only one course of action we could take ,so I understand fully what you are going through ... look at all options and think what will be best for the wee man .. how ever much it hurts ... love mouse xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteConi: wonder if looking into a pet support group might be a good thing? They are not for everyone, but perhaps it would help at this terribly difficult time? All of us who have lost a dear pet has gone through a rough time, but each experience is unique. You can only do what you think best for you and Stewey. I am sure you will do so, to the best of your ability and that is as it should be.
ReplyDeleteConi, before you do anything to Stewey other than love him to pieces, please decide if you are doing it for Stewey or for you. It breaks my heart to see fur babies that are being forced to live a painful life because the owner can not bear to lose them. I have been in the same boat as you are today with several pets over the years and I most definitely sympathize with you and your decision on how to move forward.
ReplyDeleteI think your vet gave you an honest bit of advice based on what is happening to Stewey. So love him lots, and let him revel in his lordship of your life. Enjoy the time you have with him, regardless of what you decide to do.
Hugs and tears and prayers for you both.
When my Meg became poorly I asked my vet to tell me when it was time and he did. He had cared for her for 11 years since she was a tiny puppy and it was a comfort to me to have him say that we had done enough. I once kept a lovely dog too long, she wasn't in pain, but she was so sad. I couldn't let her go, but it has haunted me since. We are holding your hand Coni, but sadly this, the saddest of all decisions, must be made when the time is right. You will find your way through, I am sure, but it will be so hard.
ReplyDeleteWe care so much for you and your sweet little dog and hope that decision is still far away. Much love Irene xxx
I have a kitty sitting on my lap right now, purring,with a similar diagnosis, and my vet's advice was the same;love her, give her what she wants, keep her comfortable. And that is what we're doing. So many beloved dogs and cats have entered into their new lives over the years, each one taking a little piece of my heart, and each time it's like the first. It never gets easier. But letting them go in peace in our arms is our final gift of love for them. My beloved Honey is 11, her sweet face is white, and I feel our time slipping away. But I do so hope and pray that they aren't gone, just gone before us around a bend in the road to forever,and we will catch up to them again some sweet day. Praying for you and your little fellow.
ReplyDeleteI have a kitty sitting on my lap right now, purring,with a similar diagnosis, and my vet's advice was the same;love her, give her what she wants, keep her comfortable. And that is what we're doing. So many beloved dogs and cats have entered into their new lives over the years, each one taking a little piece of my heart, and each time it's like the first. It never gets easier. But letting them go in peace in our arms is our final gift of love for them. My beloved Honey is 11, her sweet face is white, and I feel our time slipping away. But I do so hope and pray that they aren't gone, just gone before us around a bend in the road to forever,and we will catch up to them again some sweet day. Praying for you and your little fellow.
ReplyDeleteYou are dealing with a lot and it is understandable. You can always ask for a second opinion or talk to a specialist if it will help you. Continued thoughts and prayers for you and the little guy.
ReplyDeleteFeeling your pain, Coni. We, on the suggestion of our vet, had our Snickers go through chemo, as his cancer was found early on. Chemo does not effect dogs the same way it does people, and he had no side effects. He seemed fine throughout the process, but a month after chemo was over, the cancer returned and we had to make the final decision. Painful as hell, but there was no way we could watch him go through any more. As some of the other posters commented, you will know when it's time. Wishing you strength and comfort.
ReplyDeletePraying for you & Stewey, being terrified is ok, those of us who love our babies have felt that. Please, please know that we are here to help you through this in spirit and in words. Anytime day or night, your thoughts and words will get answered...you are NOT alone in this, Coni. We all love you and your precious Stewey. Blessings for you both.
ReplyDeletePraying for you & Stewey, being terrified is ok, those of us who love our babies have felt that. Please, please know that we are here to help you through this in spirit and in words. Anytime day or night, your thoughts and words will get answered...you are NOT alone in this, Coni. We all love you and your precious Stewey. Blessings for you both.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very, very sorry. Prayers for you, Stewey and Bosco.
ReplyDeleteNever apologize for the love in your heart. We only know what you allow to us know, but we have developed a great fondness for you, Stewey and Bosco. How is Bosco?
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time; Stewey will tell you what he needs and you will know when it's time.
Coni, we all have deep dark secrets that we hold on to too tightly. This year has been very difficult with your sister, Boscoe, now Stewey. You've mentioned looking for work. These are all major changes in your life and you are completely overwhelmed. May I say, talk to your MD. I know you've gone to specialist for other reasons, but your MD may be able to help you cope.
ReplyDeleteI pray for your and Stewey's strength as you continue your journey. Keep taking deep breaths. We are here ready to listen when you decide to let it all go.
I think Marly offered very good advice. The vet school at Michigan State has an excellent reputation and the drive from South Bend to East Lansing is very doable. Sending prayers for you both.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing the right thing. My best friend's precious dog died a couple of years ago from cancer; I think he was under 7. I understand from him that the illness is much different for dogs. Treatment therapies are months of suffering for usually fewer months of remission before the return and end. It is harder on them, and the timeline on the benefit so short. Management of symptoms seems to give a longer and happier time when you do the math. They can have a surprisingly big quantity of happy days/weeks/months of good feeling and appetite on this course with the help of steroids when appropriate. I'm not a vet or a specialist; I like another commenter's idea of checking in with such people just for your peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great, by the way. I think that humans regularly don't (can't) do any number of things unless (until) they HAVE to. It's okay that you don't know what or how to do without being together yet; it is still "now"you don't need to terrorize yourself about a "then". You were brought together to share love and support, so carry on. :)
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs. Please know that we grieve with you- but thanks so much for letting us share this time with you. And please know that we read your blog for you- I know i can identify with you- especially on the stitchy slumps. I love seeing how your creative mind finds so many wonderful color combinations.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could do or say something that would make this all better for you, but I am in much the same situation with my pup and I don't know how to handle it either. If only they could live forever.
ReplyDeleteI remember when we had Roxie at the Specialty Vet & a woman was in there with her dog for Chemo & Radiation treatments. She said she was working 3 jobs to pay for the treatments. I wondered how she had any time to be home with her dog when always working. We decided then that if or when Roxie had cancer we were putting her thru treatments and put it in the hands of God. She was 11 when we received the bad news & stayed with our plan. She live another year without suffering until the last month when she stopped eating & drinking. We could not bring ourselves to take her for treatments that made her sick every time. It sounds like you have a very good and honest vet & I would listen to him/her. Why make Stewey sick with the treatments and not be able to enjoy the time you have together. The speciality vet made us feel we were horrible people because we didn't go thru with treatment - we know that we made the correct choice. Just more food for thought for you - May God take some driving lessons and "steer" you and Stewey to a better place!
ReplyDeleteWe took our Bella to Michigan State just last month to have them look at a growth on her jaw. They have a top-notch facility and the staff there are excellent. I'd highly recommend them if you want to explore all of your options for Stewey.
ReplyDeletePurdue University has a veterinary program and from what I understand, they are very good! Something to think about if you decide to get a second opinion. Continued hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteDearest Coni, When I was faced with the same diagnosis with my dog, Max, one of my primary considerations was his age. Stewey, like Max, is a senior citizen in dog years and that did influence my decision. Whatever path you choose, love on him, indulge his every whim, and hold him close. I will hold you close in my heart and pray for comfort for you both. ~Jenn
ReplyDeleteDear Coni, I know this may be coming a little out of left field and it may sound a little whackadoo, but I wonder if you (and Stewey and, yes even Bosco) could benefit from a little, mmmm, counseling by a animal communicator. I know there are a lot of woo-woo people out there, but there are some people who really do have a gift for communicating with animals. Check out Dr. Monica Diedrich. You can Google her. I think her website is PetCommunicator.com. I have used her services for over 23 years. Dr. Monica can help give Stewey a voice in all of this and an opportunity for you to ask questions of him to and for him to respond. I say to include Bosco because his life seems to have been a little topsy-turvy lately and it might help to hear how he is doing. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI wish we were neighbors and I would sit and hold your hand.
ReplyDeleteAll of us share your grief & fear. There is nothing more terrifying than losing a loved one, no matter how many legs they have. We all send you prayers of strength, peace & love. We are here for you. We collectively send you hugs. Whatever you decide to do, look into your heart. It will guide you to make whatever decisions you decide. Stewey knows how much you love him & his love for you will always be with you in a special section of your heart. We are here for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is the hard part of being a dog mom. We had to decide for out first lab if we should remove a tumor and give him 6 months before it would likely return and all the pain return, or let him go. We decided the extra 6 months would be just for us and why let him get sick again, so we said good bye. He was so sad looking, it really was not a hard decision and the best for him. I still miss the guy after 9 years, but have peace knowing we did the right thing for him. I pray for your strength to make the right choice, I know you will do what is best for Stewey and don't let ANYONE tell you othrwise.
ReplyDeleteYou are missed here. Wish I could give you a hug....prayers are being said for all three of you. 🙏🙏
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your baby. I have my own terrier angel who is aging and soon will see Jesus before I will. Love is a wonderful and yet difficult blessing from God.
ReplyDelete