Jul 2, 2016


I blame Patrick Swayze for this latest trip down Crazypants Lane.

Last night as I settled in to stitch, I tuned in to the Lifetime Television for Women channel and caught a replay of Dirty Dancing.  Yes, I've seen the movie before...(I don't really live in a cave surrounded by dog pee and Housewives)...I just had never really noticed HIM  and how he looked at HER during that last dance.

I swooned, I tell ya.  Positively, absolutely, completely swooned.

Right there in the Happy Chair.

So that got me thinking about what it might be like to find some poor half-blind, half-crazy man that would look at ME like that and I pondered taking a gander at online dating sites.

I did well enough answering all of the questions about what I might be looking for in a mate...kind, funny, smart, generous, patient, etc etc...but when it came time to creating my profile I hit a brick wall.

First is the matter of a profile picture.

Here's the one that I selected:

Stewey and Bosco pointed out that this one might be sending the wrong message.  After all...what proper spinster shows her thong to perfect strangers without so much as a howdie doo?

So I moved on to the profile itself and came up with an opening tag line that I thought was swell:

"International swimsuit model trapped in the body of a portly yet loveable spinster."

Again, I got nothing but a big fat VE-TOE from the Peanut Gallery.

So I tried this one:

"1950's housewife trapped in the body of a 1980's sex kitten (if the kitten were the size of a small Buick and had not so much...whiskers, per se...but rather a full-on menopausal goatee."

That one caused both Bosco and Stewey to take away my iPad.

(There seems to be a lot of different people trapped inside me.  I suppose that would explain a LOT  if contemplated more fully and with the help of a certified mental health professional.)

then thought about something a little more whimsical:

"Classic and comfortable...this vintage beauty is in need of a little TLC.  Body needs work, but the engine is optimistically ready for the next 50,000 miles.  Starter can be a bit tempermental, but with the right amount of Starbucks French Roast and a firm hand on the steering wheel, you can be sure it will eventually be quite a ride!"

Hmmmm.  Not sure it sets the right tone about my overall level of tolerance tor adventure.  If I go with that one, I suppose I'll need to add something about my propensity for just staying in the garage with a good book and some needlepoint.

He's out there...I'm just sure of it.  He'll be funny and smart and have kind eyes and will smile and laugh and know how to open a door and pick up a check.  He won't mind quiet nights watching a movie or quiet days watching the boats float by his multi-level well-appointed lake house that is fully equipped with a shaded patio for stitching, a fully-stocked gourmet kitchen, and a staff of friendly and discreet dog wranglers, cleaning persons, and butlers for You Know Who.  He'll love to read, will keep his politics to himself, and he'll appreciate the convenience of having a private jet to travel to needlework shops both near and far.  He'll like sports but won't expect me to play them.  He will know what it's like to love and be loved, and is without a crazy ex lurking in a closet, and he'll understand that the baby ship has probably already sailed with this particular gal.  He'll know how to fix things without having to whine about them, can order a meal and a bottle of wine without having to brag about it, and can be as comfortable in a ballroom as he is in a bowling alley.  He'll be big enough that I won't feel like a water buffalo next to him, yet small enough that we can both fit in the same zip code without tipping it over.  He'll be loyal and decent and hard-working, and will have a circle of friends and family that are as warm and fun as he is.  And, most importantly, he'll let me be me and all that comes with that.

I'm sure this lunatic quest will prove itself to be just a whim and I'll get back to the solitary confines of the Happy Chair before long.  Rumor has it that there might be a Ghostbusters marathon on the TeeVee later, so stay tuned...tomorrow I'll want to move to New York and wear a jumpsuit and proton pack.

Happy Saturday, kids!  Do something fun and come tell me all about it!


  1. LOL!! That really just made my quiet Saturday morning! Your man is out there somewhere so don't compromise on even one of the aforementioned credentials and attributes he must possess.

  2. You go, girl! it's never too late to dip a toe in the world of dating. Those fish don't just launch themselves into the boat, you have to throw them a line. i look forward to hearing what happens next.

  3. Coni, you are terrifically amusing with a wonderful sense of humour and an equal wonderful user of words. I recently happened upon your blog and loved it so much I went back 'a LOT of months' just to catch up on the back story and your amazing stitching! I look forward to reading the next installment of your dating adventures. Crossing fingers and toes ( not an easy feat!��)....from Johannesburg, South Africa

  4. Coni, you are terrifically amusing with a wonderful sense of humour and an equal wonderful user of words. I recently happened upon your blog and loved it so much I went back 'a LOT of months' just to catch up on the back story and your amazing stitching! I look forward to reading the next installment of your dating adventures. Crossing fingers and toes ( not an easy feat!��)....from Johannesburg, South Africa

  5. Hi Coni,
    Loved this post. Let me say that you may not be completely delusional. It is amazing what one can find on the internet these days. Back in 2000 I went man-shopping on line. Some stupid woman had thrown this keeper back in the pond. Well, he is all mine now. I just know that even though he is one of a kind, there are some equally special gentlemen out there, hoping to find a gentle lady to keep company with them. Yeah, about that lake house complete with staff, and a private jet - let me know if that comes with the package. Dancing - mine was willing to take lessons and they worked. And although we lack a lake view, we enjoy quite frequent ocean views from the balcony of a cruise ship.
    We met on match.com, as Christian Mingle and E-Harmony did not even exist waaaay back then. Now when we see an E-Harmony commercial, we are like, "Well, maybe we should give that a try."
    All the best and keep us posted.....

  6. Love it, Coni..... You have a handle on who you are and
    the Prince Charming who can fill the bill... Go for it....
    Your wit and talent need not lie untapped by the male of
    the species...too much to offer...waste not-want not -
    He is out there, probably looking for you.... Meet him...
    moving forward !

  7. I love your post today (well, I love all of your posts). I guess Patrick Swayze was a great actor because it has been widely reported that he couldn't stand working with Jennifer Gray. I think he went through a period where he drank too much and wasn't such a nice person. I think your soul mate is out there. Maybe you can take Bosco and Stewey to the dog park and see who they warm up to. :)

  8. Would you like some of us to help you find this wonderful guy? Oh wait, I live in a senior community...I will just keep reading to see what happens.

  9. After 24 years divorced, I went looking and found my Prince. It is not impossible Coni. Not as easy as sitting in the happy chair but doable. I know it worked for me. Online dating was my choice. It was quite a surprise...

  10. After reading your post about Mike (?) the butcher, could you have possibly already found him?? If not I wish you all the best. Any man would be lucky to have you <3

  11. I have so many things to say, but - I won't. Do what is right for you and never, ever for anyone else. Stay true to yourself. Do not give up who you truly are for the benefit of anyone else. You need to may peace and happiness with youself - no one else can do that for you.

  12. Coni, love your profile and the requirements you have. I wonder if you are overlooking an admttedly small pool, but a potential pool nonetheless, of stitchy gentlemen, maybe even someone who reads your blog. I'm a quilter and, while there aren't a lot of male quilters out there, there are some. I imagine there must be a guy out there who likes to stitch. If he is confident enough to do that, he's probably quite a catch. Just sayin'. Can't wait to see what happens next!

  13. After being alone for over 30 years, I did exactly what you are contemplating. I got lucky and found him. Be careful, trust your instincts and go for it! All the best of luck.

  14. Can I say Jeffrey Dean Morgan? He's out there. GO GIRL!

  15. I am sure there is a special man out there just for you, someone who appreciates a woman with a fantastic sense of humour and wit.
    And doesn't mind acting as butler for a small dog!

  16. Oh Coni! Any man would be lucky to have you! Good luck and be safe!

  17. If you find him, ask if he has a single brother from the same mold :-) Good luck!