Dec 19, 2012


Howdy ho, friends and neighbors.  Before I tell you about my latest exploits, I'd like to thank you for your comments on my last post.  I appreciate each and every one of them, and thank you for your thoughtfulness, your insight, your opinion, and your willingness to share your voice.  You've given me an awful lot to think about. Thank you.

Would it be OK if I moved on to a lighter/sillier topic?  I'm determined to solve the world's problems, but until I am able to fully function as an adult grown-ass woman who doesn't need the supervision of her little sister and a team of highly gifted professionals, I should probably just concentrate on one thing at a time.

Like learning how not to poison myself with either a) a pork chop, b) roasted vegetables, or c) a vat of Canada Dry diet tonic water with quinine.

I've been having a bit of a go with leg cramps, so I got the bright idea to have a little tonic water in the evenings.  (And no, before you ask, I did NOT get the even brighter idea to put GIN in the damn tonic water, which probably would have saved me a LOT of trouble and at least FOUR rounds of total embarrassment in the ER when the brand spanking new doctor had to do his very first heiney exam, and he was so freakin nervous he told me to turn my head to the left and cough and I said "But, Michael!  Despite all evidence to the contrary, I don't have what you're looking for down there, and I'm pretty sure that if I had a prostate, we'd be having and entirely different conversation altogether.)

But I digress......

I made a lovely dinner on Sunday evening, cleaned up the kitchen, patted Stewey on the head, and then promptly ran for the hills with what I presumed to be yet another case of food poisoning.  I seem to be getting pretty good at this, so I wasn't at all alarmed, especially when you consider that whatever the food was that was poisoning me came from my very own kitchen, and I knew that no other innocent parties had been affected.

By Monday evening things had gone from bad to worse, so Aunt Chrissy put my shoes on my and hauled my sorry self the block and a half to the hospital.  (It's gorgeous, by the way, and exactly what you'd want in a hospital if you were inclined to want those kinds of things.  Besides, it's got a Golden Corral right there in the front of it, and despite the fact that I can't get over a restaurant that would use a name that suggested a place for keeping one's cattle, I'm determined to go check out that chocolate fountain.)

Again, with the digressing.

My nurse, Alissa, had been on the job for about seventeen minutes, so she was understandably a little nervous about the enormous spinster on the gurney handing her a sheet of paper with a med list as long as a Walgreens, but she was a real trooper and told me what an impressive specimen I was.  (Or maybe I needed to give an impressive specimen?  I can't remember).  Anywhoose, all I know is that she had been an ER nurse over at the other hospital in town, and had just started her new job at the Golden Corral hospital that very same day.  Poor, poor dear.

Everything was going swell until the resident came in to introduce himself.  Aunt Chrissy and I took one look at him and immediately thought the same thing...."Gee, this guy looks exactly like our cousin Brian"...but I was also noticing that his name was Dr. Phelps.  So, in my stupid little head, I immediately said to MYself "Gee, this guy looks exactly like cousin Brian, but I'm going to call him Michael."  (You know.  Michael.  Michael Phelps.)

Poor Michael.  In addition to having to deal with the fabulous glory that is me, he had to try to figure out just what the heck he was going to do to make me feel better.

So he decided to probe me in my under carriage with a gloved finger and a charge nurse for moral support.

Did I mention that Michael was also new to the hospital and had never conducted this particular examination before?  Poor, poor dear.  I'm pretty sure that it didn't help matters any that I was trying to keep myself calm by chattering away like some kind of circus monkey, and when he corrected me by saying "Um, Miss Rich, my name's not Michael.  It's Nathan." all I could think to say was "Well, honey, as long as you're where you're at, I'm going to keep on calling you Michael.  It'll be better for both of us, I promise."

My God.

A few short hours later, and I was sent on my merry way with instructions to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and enough pills to make whatever the heck was going on with me go away.  I'm not taking any of them, of course, since I was smart enough to call my regular doc (at the insistence of Aunt Chrissy), and he basically said (as only he can) "Well, it's either food poisoning, too much tonic water, the flu, or something exotic that will take us years to figure out.  Either way, you're going to feel like crap for a few days, so drink plenty of fluids and call me if it doesn't get any better".

(You gotta love that guy, right?)

So here I sit with my Gatorade and my Vitamin water and my diet ginger ale and my caffeine free dietCoke.  I could float a barge, but I'm determined to wash away whatever got in there that wasn't supposed to so that I can get back to the really important napping.  And stitching.

Now if only there was a way to wash away all of the shame over exposing my heiney to Michael.....

Are you all well and warm and safe and dry?  I hope that as we wind down the year you'll have a few moments of pure bliss just for your very self.  Stewey is determined to go caroling this year, so I suppose that I had better find him a traditional costume or we'll never hear the end of it.  Damn dog.

Ciao, for now boys and girls.  Thanks for indulging my need to share my every waking minute with you.  No charge for the awful visuals, by the way....


  1. Hi Coni~I must admit that your post made me laugh this time around. So sorry you're sick, but when you got to telling us about the exam and all it reminded me of a procedure I had years back. I was probably 30 years old and my doctor ordered a lower GI series. Great huh? So I go to the hospital lab for the procedure and am told to wait in the hall for the doctor. I do and in about ten minutes, this very handsome doctor comes down the hall towards me. At this point I realize that he looks like he can't be over 12 years old! LOL. Anyway! He puts his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ready for "our" barium enema! At 30, I was totally embarrassed and all I could think of to say was, "Oh! You're having one with me?"

    Now please follow the doctor's orders and get plenty of rest and all.

    LindaLee from Cross’N My Stitches

  2. Feel better soon! (And when did doctors get to be so young? Aren't they keeping them in school long enough?)

  3. Sorry you are sick, Coni, but your hospital episode sure did make me LOL!! Love the way you tell a story..... :)
    I do hope you are feeling much better soon, and that Stewey enjoys his caroling.... Any caroler worth his salt would never go out sans proper outfitting, so a traditional costume seems to be in order.....
    Get well soon!

  4. aww hope you are feeling better soon!!

  5. Hi Coni- I've been lurking and love your blog! You make me laugh and inspire me! I had to reply to this entry since I too have run for the hills many a time because of a weakened GI system after a bout of C-Diff a few years ago. Anyway the best thing you can do is call your pharmacist and ask for culturelle or any other pro biotic they would recommend. They are good bacteria that keep bad bacteria in check. Take one every day during normal times and increase to two for times when things are well not normal! Sorry about the anon post my name is Cathy just wasn't sure how to sign in.

  6. WOW! What an experience. The only thing lacking was the smart comment from Stewey. Thank heaven he was quiet and sympathetic I presume. :) Cathryn

  7. Coni- I hope you feel better soon! You'll miss out on all the holiday goodies!
    However, "Golden Corral Hospital" is the funniest thing I've ever heard/read!!! LOLOLOL! I don't know who's attorney will be the first to have a problem with that: the hospital's or Golden Corral's!
    Take care, and maybe Stewey should be a food tester for you- make him earn his keep and all?? Merry Christmas to you and Stewey, and Aunt Chrissy and Bosco!

  8. Why o why do they always go straight for the heiney? Rude I tell ya - rude!! I had 12 inches of intestines removed this year due to reoccurring diverticulitis - best thing I ever did! I hope you feel better! Merry Christmas!! Jamie

  9. Been there, done that about 6years ago. Though my food poisoning was caused be BAD Tartare sauce at a restaurant( and yes, they are now closed0.
    It was a trip in an ambulance to hospital,then I was hooked up to an I-V for 8 hours.
    Talk about loosing weight quickly, unfortunately it all came back (enough said).
    I hope you are feeling much better and that Stewey gives you extra kisses.

  10. I had an unfortunate emergency episode (D&C) many years ago that required evidently every medically trained person in the hospital to peer and poke into my privates. At one point there were 5 people under the sheet on my lower areas.

    One poor new student nurse was evidently assigned to my upper areas - her sole responsibility seemed to be making sure that no one could possibly glimpse my boobs. Since I was shot full of Demerol for the severe pain, I developed a case of whooping laughter at the absurdity of the situation. I tried, between giggles, to reassure her that I wasn't laughing at her, but it didn't help. I hope she wasn't traumatized into leaving the profession.

    I've since been on both sides of the ER table as a patient and as a professional - trust me, we've seen it all!


  11. I'm sorry you've not been well, but obviously you still have your sense of humor! And that is great!

    Just throwing this out there----Stewey wouldn't perhaps be putting anything in your coffee? Just sayin......

    Amy from Oklahoma

  12. I am sorry you aren't feeling well but I was laughing along with you reading this. You need to make sure Stewey has a caroling book because I am sure he will become very annoyed if he cannot follow along! :)

  13. Oh Coni, I hope this finds you weel on the way to an uneventful recovery.

    Would watching something with Jeffrey Dean Morgan help? (Did you know he has a very few lines in "Fred Claus"?)

    Mary Eman

  14. A soft chicken taco at Taco Bell some years ago nearly killed me. I have never been so sick in my life. I knew it was food poisoning, and I shall never, ever forget it. Likely, I did overcome and lived to tell the tale, but it was just horrendous at the time. Take care of yourself dearie, you have a duty to your public to overcome and persevere.

  15. Sorry that you where sick but thanks so much for always making me laugh. Merry Christmas from Trudy and Scully

  16. Oh my, I'm sorry you are not well. At least you are able to laugh at your visit. Hope you feel better soon.

  17. Serendipity brought me to your blog while I was surfing today... LOVE your sense of humor and your way of expressing it. Hope you are feeling better soon. And I got ya bookmarked so I will stop by for another visit soon.