Scene: A darkened suburban street somewhere in the Midwestern United States. A tiny little dog makes his way down the sidewalk while simultaneously struggling with a large antique valise. He approaches the front door of a home, peers through the sidelight window, and then raps smartly on the door.
AUNT CHRISSY: Stewey! What are you doing here! Do you have any idea what time it is? Where's your mommie?
STEWEY: I've run away from home, Aunt Chrissy. Please fetch me a mug of tea and a blanket so that I can get rid of this terrible chill. I had to walk the entire 7/10th of a mile over here because the old lady hid the car keys again and I couldn't get a cab in this god forsaken corn field to save my life.
BOSCO (Who actually knows he's a dog): bark! bark! bark! bark! bark!
AUNT CHRISSY: Bosco! Calm down and go to your apartment! Stewey and I need to talk.
(Bosco trots away to find his stuffed squirrel, but gets distracted by a commercial for the new movie "Wreck-it Ralph". He stares at the colors and wonders if his Aunt Tubby will take him to see it on one of their Wednesday afternoon dates. He loves his Aunt Tubby. She's very simple, and she doesn't understand most of the big words that his mommy and Stewey use, and she especially doesn't get it when they s-p-e-l-l stuff. She has a tendency to get in trouble too, and she's the only other person who can peeve his mommy as much as he can..)
AUNT CHIRSSY: Now Stewey, tell me what's happened. Did she turn down the thermostat again? Decide to take up vegan non-dairy cooking? Force you to watch The Dog Whisperer? What?
STEWEY: She posted an invitation to the whole world to come live with us, Aunt Chrissy.
AUNT CHRISSY: (stunned silence) .....She, WHAT?
STEWEY: Yes, as you know, Aunt Chrissy, my stupid mo-ther has been fretting herself into fits over all of the devastation from the Storm. And she got it in her head that there were probably millions and millions of people out there who had nowhere to go and no one to take care of them, and that she would take it upon herself to fix it all. So she wrote a blog post and told everybody to come on over to Indiana and that she would make them coffee and give them a bed to sleep in and a roof over their heads and she told some story about your grandpa and how he took care of a little boy in the 1940's.
AUNT CHRISSY: (more stunned silence, combined with confusion)
STEWEY: So now she's shampooing the furniture and fluffing the towels and trying to find a decent shower curtain for the guest bath, all while pondering how long it would take to properly cook a nineteen pound meatloaf.
AUNT CHRISSY: (regaining her wits about her) Oh, for crying out loud (actually, she said oh, for f****'s sakes, but this is a family show) My sister/your mo-ther couldn't find her way out of a wet paper bag with two hands and a flashlight. How, in the name of all that is holy does she think she will actually be of use to anybody? (she sighs heavily) Don't worry, Stewey. People, for the most part, all know that your mo-ther is an idiot, so they'll pat her on the head and tell her she's wonderful and then they'll roll their eyes and tell their friends and neighbors about this crazyass spinster in Indiana who thinks it's perfectly normal to invite the eastern half of the United States of America over for dietCoke. And, since this is YOUR mo-ther we're talking about, as soon as it hits her that eventually people would expect her to come out of the bedroom and carry on a face to face conversation, she'll fall into an agoraphobic heap of neurosis on the floor, and that will be the end of that. You know how she's always talking about how she wants to "get out more" and be a "normal person", but when I tell he that that would involve wearing shoes and a bra and actually talking to people she changes her mind? Well, I'm pretty sure that this is going to be just like that.
STEWEY: You always know how to make me feel better, Aunt Chrissy. Now about that tea....
Thank you for all of your very kind comments about me being swell, but I'm a little embarrassed that you would think so highly of me. Believe me when I tell you that I don't deserve it. I'm just trying to figure out some way to do something, and since I would be worse than useless as a Red Cross volunteer and I don't know how to drive a backhoe, this is what I came up with.
No stitching to report. I got distracted by the TeeVee last night and fell into bed wishing I hadn't eaten ham salad on garlic bagel chips for dinner. Stay tuned, though! I'm expecting the fixin's for Laura J. Perin's "Harvest Moon House" to arrive any day now and can't wait to get started on it! Woo Hoo!