Nov 28, 2012


So there I was, minding my own business in a dead sleep at 3am when nature called.  This is not unusual for me, especially when you consider that I drink gallons and gallons of fluid all day and don't put the sippy cup down until I finally hit the sheets.  So getting up in the middle of the night to use the facilities is not anything new.

Standing in the doorway hollering bloody murder at the eight foot tall hooligan who had broken in through the back door and was now hulking in a menacing fashion near said back door was, however, quite new.  I screamed loud enough to rattle the windows and blow a vocal cord, and I'm pretty sure that Stewey had a little mini heart attack right there under the covers while wearing his footie pajamas and sleep mask.

OK.  So.  Maybe I should think about putting my glasses on my face when I go to the powder room at 3am.  If I did that, I could avoid mistaking THIS for an eight foot tall hooligan who had broken in through the back door:

Yes, I know it's a Christmas tree.  I'm fully aware of the fact that a Christmas tree is NOT, in fact, an eight foot tall hooligan. 

Here.  Look at it from this angle and imagine that a) it's very very dark in the house and b) you can't see more than seven inches in front of your face without your glasses on:
See what I mean?  Hooligan.

I've promised Stewey that I will leave him alone so that he can catch up on his beauty rest.  I had thought that today would be a good day to decorate the hooligan and clean the house, but I'm thinking that a little bun-toasting in front of the fireplace might be better for this particular spinster's frazzled nerves.

I just wish I could twist myself into this shape and still be comfortable enough to fall asleep.  That way I could say that I'm snoozing AND practicing yoga.  Woo Hoo!  Multi-tasking!

Happy Futzingday!


  1. Heard you all the way to Granger! LOL Let the decorating begin.


  2. I really do is like the late night that I thought there was an intruder in the back yard....I called to Dennis but no answer. Finally he came into the bedroom and when I told him what I thought...he said no, it was him out in the dark time he best put the outdoor light on!

  3. Yep, know what you mean!

    Our alarm went off in the middle of the night a while back and scared the #@%! out of me! DH went downstairs to face the intruder. He came back up and said "Here's the intruder"...a slowly leaking helium balloon that had floated across the living room during the night!

  4. Coni, I hope your heart rate has returned to normal. Perhaps a night light might be well-advised until decor regains the normal depressing mode after the holidays. Of course you could always leave the twinkling lights on. :) What a scare! Cathryn

  5. Oh boy, do I understand the lurking hulk in the middle of the night thing. I've been myopic all my life and I find the number of strange things lurking in my home in the dark (without my glasses on) truly amazing. Now that I am armed 24/7, I always slip on my glasses when making a run to the loo in the dark. I'd sure hate to shoot up the house by accident. I'm surprised that your neighbors didn't call the police after your vocalizations. Had I been your neighbor, I certainly would have. Glad all is well and that the thug was only your lurking Christmas tree. Methinks you should get that decorated quickly. Hugs from Arizona, Pamela

  6. I am sorry about your scare but I laughed so hard I almost had an accident. I tried to read it to my co-workers and could hardly get through it! Thank you for making my day better!! Hilarious!!

  7. LOL. We once watched Hollywoods 100 scariest moments (a marathon!) even though I hate scary movies. That night, probably around 3AM, I sat bolt upright in bed and started screaming about the man at the end of the bed. He wasn't really there. He wasn't even a Christmas tree...You can imagine how much the dude loved me right then.

  8. Thank you for making me laugh! We put window tint on all our house windows to help keep out the heat in Sunny Florida. You can't see in during the day but you only see yourself if the lights are on inside at night. I scared myself several times that way for about a week!

  9. Glad it was only the Christmas tree!

    One of my cats, Millie, twists herself like Stewey to go to sleep, strange!!

  10. You are a hoot! Love your blog and your stitching. Hooligan is a good name for a Christmas tree when you think how hard it is to wrestle it into place. Happy decorating.

  11. Not fun! And how long did it take you to go back to sleep after that wake up call? Glad it wasn't a real hooligan. Have fun decorating him. Maybe he'll look less menacing covered in sparkly things.

  12. I hope Santa gives you a flashlight to keep beside your bed for Christmas. So much better for the nerves.
    If it had been an intruder, why hadn't Master Stewey raised the alarm?
    Me thinks he should be back at school for a security refresher!!

  13. OMG! Call 9-1-1; I think I'm going to die laughing! Absolutely love the Hooligan story!

  14. I almost choked on my coffee when I read this, but I have the same vision problem too and feel your pain. Glad it was only the tree, hurry and get some lights on that sucker. Give Stewey an extra hug for me I know that noise probably ruined his beauty rest.

  15. ROFL! Loved your story! But is that a, dare I say it, DOG crate behind your couch? Looks like a Stewie sized one at that. Is it helping with the drapes?

  16. You know I gotta tell you....that you friggin CRACK ME UP !!!!!
    I'm so glad you were not attacked at 3:00am!

    I'm going to be laughing about this all day!


  17. I swear, I am going to run and put a pair of depends on before I read your blog!!!! This is the funniest post that I have read in a long long time!
    Amy from Oklahoma