I'M BLAMING THIS ONE ON MY AUNT CHRISSY

My mo-ther can't come to the blog right now. I've sent her off to her room to think about what she's done. With good behavior and time served, I would anticipate that she will be released sometime next March, but with a very sturdy monitoring device in tow.

Every year it's the same thing. My Aunt Chrissy decorates her house for Christmas and we go over there to look at it, and on the drive home my mo-ther says "Stewey, I want our house to be equally as festive and lovely as your Aunt Chrissy's."

And every year we end up with some crazypants hot mess that can only be described as...well...a crapzypants hot mess.

My Aunt Chrissy's theme this year is so elegant I can't even begin to explain it. Peacock blue. Chocolate brown. Olive green. A tree that is at once so sublime, yet gorgeous that I just want to gaze upon it in wonder. A mantle that is the absolute epitome of elegance-ness. Decorations placed here and there throughout her beautiful house that make you want to sing carols and eat gingerbread cookies. Perfection, if you ask me. My Aunt Chrissy definitely knows how to decorate a house for Christmas. That's for d-a-m-n sure.

My mo-ther, on the other hand, decides that our theme this year will be "whimsical". Whimsical? Here? Not so much. I, for one, think that if RuPaul and Tim Burton had a love child, even he, she, or it would hate this disaster of a Christmas tree:

Even the damn squirrels can't believe that somebody would be nuts enough to put a white feather boa on a Christmas tree:

"A white feather boa? On a Christmas tree? Really?"

I, too, am left completely stumped as to why my mom thinks that a top hat is "jaunty" and lends a certain air of "whimsical-ness" to a Martha Stewart Bearclaw Mountain artificial Christmas tree. I ask you...does Martha strike you as the type of person who would decorate her Bearclaw Mountain artificial tree with a top hat OR a white feather boa?

I think not.

So today I am left with the realization that this year we will live in a home that looks like it was decorated by a crack addict with a Hobby Lobby gift card, and there's nothing I can do about it. I had hopes, I really did. I thought that my Aunt Chrissy's tree would give the old lady some inspiration to decorate in a fashion that would at once celebrate the season and light the cold winter nights without making me want to retch into my handkerchief. Alas, it is not to be.

I will remained miffed for the duration of the afternoon, and then I'm hoping that my Aunt Chrissy will come over with a strong sedative and some ideas as to how we might make this place a little more tolerable. (The sedative is for you-know-who, and once we get it into her vat of dietCoke and tuck her in, we should have five or six hours to undo the mess that took her a week and a half to make).

That's the report from Chez Stewey today, my dear friends. I hope that you won't rat me out to Santa Claus over my bad attitude....I could really use some new handkerchiefs.

Until we meet again, I remain your loyal and devoted friend,
Stewey