Jan 16, 2011


My very dearest Ms. Martha,

By now, I am sure that the world has read of your recent incident involving your lovely little Frenchie and your split lip. I trust that this missive finds you nicely recovered and that you are none the worse for wear? (After reviewing the photographs of your emergency room visit, I noticed that you did indeed have a plastic surgeon available for the sutures, so with great relief I anticipate the total lack of any unsightly scarring.)

In any event, although you were wonderful enough to accept full responsibility for "startling" her, might I suggest that Francesca be put into time out? After all, Martha, it's only a matter of time before she and Sharkey figure out that you are, in fact, one of the strongest advocates for animal wellness, and I see them milking that particular cow all the way to the b-a-n-k. (Besides, don't they already have representation that secures those deals with PetSmart, Macy's, and all and sundry? They'll be fine without you Martha...I promise.)

Now because I know how much you love to have little furry creatures all around you, because I know that you are a fabulous homekeeper, and because my current mo-ther is supremely challenged in the domestic arts area, I'd like to offer my services to you as Chief Pet in Residence. I would be happy to assume this role immediately, provided you can send your people (and your jet, if you please) to pick me up here in this godforsaken place. (Christmas decorations still up, underpants strewn about the closet floor, dust everywhere...you get the idea.) I suspect that Bedford would be much more suitable to my tastes and lifestyle, but I'm also willing to try living at Skylands as well.

I've made this offer to another woman of your stature, but after witnessing the recent events in your neck of the woods, methinks you might be in a more pressing position of having to re-staff the CPinR position. (Besides, Ms. O seems to be very busy with her new network these days, so I am concerned that I might not get the loving attention that I so richly deserve.)

I shall look forward to meeting with you to discuss this matter further. Would it be appropriate for my legal team to draft an amenable agreement for your review?

Thank you for your time today. I do hope that you know how very much I appreciate your kind attention to this appeal.

Most cordially,


  1. OMG! I just spit coffee all over my monitor!

  2. You are a wonderful letter writer Stewey!!!!!!!

  3. Hey Stewie -
    Can you PRETTY PLEASE come and lick my laptop screen? I just spewed diet coke all over it after reading your letter. Seeing as how I'd rather stitch and blog hop than clean (and you are RESPONSIBLE, as it was your letter that made me spit forth my nector from the God's) please come lick as soon as possible. Thank you! :)

  4. Oh Stewie come n live here if you want:) its pretty tidy:) you will have a comfy bed n yummie food and lots of walks down by the canal and I know other little ones like you too to make new pawfriends ....... love mouse xxxx

  5. Ah.... Stewey.... You are supposed to be watching the DVR Movies today. Please don't stress your paws any further. There is a rumor floating about that Martha abuses her guests by bathing them! Surely you do not wish THAT! You should really wait and speak to Frenchie directly, before committing to such embarrassment! Go back to the TeeVee now, Master Stewey. I need to clean my keyboard. (Hope the "S" will still work....)
    Barb in Syracuse

  6. I spit tea all over the monitor!!! Stewey, you and your momma, who loves you very much, are destined to be together always, writing this blog and keeping us all in stitches and spitting liquids or blowing them through our noses, when we laugh uproariously at the antics of both of you!!!
    Besides, pee on Martha's drapes just once - and you never would be able to resist, and you would be out of there in a heartbeat!

  7. Dear Mast Stewey ANnus Willowswamp,

    Please do not leave us for Miss Martha.

    I hear she has a group pof Frenchies to suit her situation. Kind of like Lassie . . they actually used different MALE COLLIES to portray Miss Lassie in all of her movies and TV shows.

    Martha and her frenchie stable work like that . . they all have body doubles and live in a kennel . . only brought out when she needs a fur-baby by her side.

    I know your mo-ther is like my mom . . . no domestic goddess in this house either . . . but she loves me and only me . . no "pretenders" that can be brought out when it's publicity time.

    Your Friend in Western New York
    Miss Indy Anna
    Queen of Tookeville

    PS . . . I am sorry for the typos,l but this doggie gig of no thumbs makes typing the pits!

  8. LMBO! Stewey you are incorrigible!!! :D Cathryn

  9. SNORT! ROFLOL! Oh Stewie, you're just too funny. Let us know if you hear from Martha (just a word to the wise though - I hear she doesn't have the best of tempers). Perhaps a little dust and undies on the closet floor isn't too bad of a deal. Just sayin'!

  10. Dear Master Stewie, no matter what, your Mo-ther loves you more than any one. Would Martha let you pee on the drapes, NO she would not!
    She would most likely have you bathed every day for any possible publicity shots. Would you like that? No! Then there is the crafting and all that Glue, yuk.
    Just go back to your cosy warm spot and I will pretend that you have not betrayed your Mo-ther like this.
    Stewie, try to never upset your Mo-ther as she is in control of the Treats.
    Please heed my advice.
    Kisses from your friend, Miss Molly.

  11. Oh dear Stewey...be very careful of what you wish for....


  12. Stewey -- the first time you pee on Martha's special, very expensive window treatments you will be toast, fella.

    You will be sitting on a curbside, little suitcase beside you with not even a specially baked by Martha doggie treat!

    You better bring along your cellphone so you then call your Mo-ther to send you busfare IF she takes you back. By then she might have replaced you with a doggie friend of Bosco's.

  13. Now Stewy, You KNOW you and your mo-ther are like two pigs in a blanket, I mean, two peas in a pod! Never to be separated~~~ Dear Martha has no drapes to pee on (I truly know she spoils her windows with only the finest up high custom cornices that money can buy..) Plus, you would not have any of those perfect blades of grass to relieve yourself on at her humble abode.... Trust me, you are much more secure in your high dignitary status by staying with said mo-ther and allow her never ending pampering to continue there.... Trust me.

  14. I just choked on my Special K bar.

    Stewey you are just too funny. I can't wait to hear Ms. Stewart's reply.

  15. You're a genius. OMG I am laughing so hard Miranda is barking!

  16. Stewey... I think you'd regret it. Martha doesn't strike me as a very faithful sort of owner.

  17. Stewey, while I understand your desire, the grass is not always greener. And I feel Mo-ther would miss you terribly and Aunt Chrissy and Bosco.

  18. One question that I would love for you to answer----do you organize your floss, or do you just purchase floss everytime you get a new chart? I am trying to figure out how to organize all of my floss.

  19. Dear Stewie,
    Get serious, what you need to be doing is doing the cleaning for your Mo-ther not complaining. Where's your sense of loyalty?
    She needs that important time for stitching, having some yummy snacks and writing :)