A-REEVE-A-DARE-CHEE, LUIGI. WELL HEL-LOW, GIOVANNI!

My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's gone face first into a ham sandwich the size of a small Buick, and there's no telling when she'll come out again. I've come to understand that the holidays around here are "all ham and potato salad, all the time", but this is ridiculous.

Aunt Chrissy came over to collect all of her gifts today and to see if there were any leftovers. She and Bosco had spent the night on Christmas Eve, but methinks she had had about enough of my mo-ther by about 7 o'clock last night when she asked to be driven home. (They do that, don't you know. Whenever one of them is going to be visiting overnight, the other one goes and picks them up so that the visiting person's car doesn't have to sit outside in the driveway.) (I told you they were weird.) Anyways, upon arrival today, Aunt Chrissy took one look at my mo-ther sitting in the Happy Chair with her eyes glazed over and the ham sandwich clutched in her fist and then high-tailed it out of here. I suspect that she thought the the house would have been tidied and the detritus of Christmas would have been swept away, but alas, it was not to be.

I'm stumped as to how all of this laziness is happening around here, especially since the old lady has enough caffeine in her to power a small township. Yesterday, after all of the festivities were concluded, Mom headed to the airport to wave a hankie at Luigi, her beloved Capresso coffee machine, as he boarded a flight to retirement. As you might recall, Luigi had not been feeling well these last few months, so my Aunt Chrissy rectified that by hiring Giovanni. He's really quite something, what with his stainless steel carafe and all, but what REALLY impressed me was his insistence that he be accompanied by his assistant, Sheila. Apparently Sheila specializes in keeping Mom's coffee creamer at a precise temperature and freshness. Aren't they a swell couple?

As for me, I am blissfully unaware of the total disaster that has befallen the state of things around here because my Aunt Chrissy spoiled me ROTTEN with new toys and such. I've never seen such abundance! And the thoughtfulness with which she selected each and every item for me....why, I just don't know how to tell you what a smart, generous, and beautiful woman my Aunt Chrissy is and how much she means to me! (Yes, Aunt Chrissy, that last bit was a desperate attempt to convince you to allow me to come live with you once and for all.)

The first thing that I opened on Christmas morning was my new sleeping friend, Nelson: Nelson is very gentle and reads a very nice bedtime story, I must say. I am especially enthralled with the fact that he, too, knows the importance of proper nightwear.

The rest of my day has been carefully calibrated to get the maximum use out of a Sunday afternoon. I plan on being in this position for the next week or so as a means of protest over my mo-ther's complete lack of concern over the messiness that surrounds us:

I'm sure Mom will give you a full Christmas report and that she'll bore you with details of what she hopes to accomplish stitchy-wise in the new year. As for me, I'll close with a fervent wish that your celebrations (whatever they might have been) have left you feeling loved and rested.

With love from your pal,
Stewey