My very dearest Ms. Martha,
By now, I am sure that the world has read of your recent incident involving your lovely little Frenchie and your split lip. I trust that this missive finds you nicely recovered and that you are none the worse for wear? (After reviewing the photographs of your emergency room visit, I noticed that you did indeed have a plastic surgeon available for the sutures, so with great relief I anticipate the total lack of any unsightly scarring.)
In any event, although you were wonderful enough to accept full responsibility for "startling" her, might I suggest that Francesca be put into time out? After all, Martha, it's only a matter of time before she and Sharkey figure out that you are, in fact, one of the strongest advocates for animal wellness, and I see them milking that particular cow all the way to the b-a-n-k. (Besides, don't they already have representation that secures those deals with PetSmart, Macy's, and all and sundry? They'll be fine without you Martha...I promise.)
Now because I know how much you love to have little furry creatures all around you, because I know that you are a fabulous homekeeper, and because my current mo-ther is supremely challenged in the domestic arts area, I'd like to offer my services to you as Chief Pet in Residence. I would be happy to assume this role immediately, provided you can send your people (and your jet, if you please) to pick me up here in this godforsaken place. (Christmas decorations still up, underpants strewn about the closet floor, dust everywhere...you get the idea.) I suspect that Bedford would be much more suitable to my tastes and lifestyle, but I'm also willing to try living at Skylands as well.
I've made this offer to another woman of your stature, but after witnessing the recent events in your neck of the woods, methinks you might be in a more pressing position of having to re-staff the CPinR position. (Besides, Ms. O seems to be very busy with her new network these days, so I am concerned that I might not get the loving attention that I so richly deserve.)
I shall look forward to meeting with you to discuss this matter further. Would it be appropriate for my legal team to draft an amenable agreement for your review?
Thank you for your time today. I do hope that you know how very much I appreciate your kind attention to this appeal.