Jan 5, 2018

DEAR ANNE...

I've been thinking about you all day today and wanted to write to say something that I think got lost in my last note to you.

Thank you.

You came at me with guns a blazing, girlfriend, and sent a very good and much needed warning shot across my rather prodigious bow.

It took me a hot minute, but I finally found a new hat.  My mistake with the new hat was that I thought it was going to have to be a 24/7 thing and thus stapled to my forehead.  And the one that's there now...i.e., hapless funny screwball idiot spinster fits me so darn nicely that I hated to give it up.

But that hat needs to come off on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I need to understand that it's OK for a girl to have more than one hat in her wardrobe.

The new hat needs to sit up in the buggy, pay fierce attention to what's going on around her, and quit trying to make light of what has turned out to be a pretty horrific car crash.  Dialysis is absolutely no joke, and to minimize it because I thought it would make me feel brave was the wrong thing to do.

The wrong thing to do.

Today, as I type this, I am in the chair with two seventeen guage stainkess steel six inch needles in my arm removing my blood, filtering it through a machine, and returning it.  My fluid, mineral, and hemoglobin levels, as well as my blood pressure need to be monitored and calibrated precisely or I go into what's known as a full blown crash.

I've crashed six times so far and did so because I didn't want to stop clowning around, admit that I am positively terrified the moment I walk in the place, and then finally and most importantly...speak the heck up when I felt myself going sideways down the damn drain.

I read and re-read your email a few dozen times yesterday and today, donned my new hat, walked in the door, and took control.

Thank you for the fashion advice, my friend.  My prayer is that the next time I get it I won't waste a single second before hearing and taking it to heart.

Blessings on you and your house...

Love,
Coni

26 comments:

  1. Blessings on you Coni. You are the most awesome, caring woman. You will get the hang of dialysis and feel much better.

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  2. Prayers for you as you sit in that chair. May all the Angels watch over you (techs, RNs and others).

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  3. Thinking of you while you're getting used to the changes in your life x

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  4. I am in awe of you -- again. First, you responded carefully and thoughtfully to what must have felt like an attack. Then, when anyone else (Me) would have put it behind you and moved on, you thought about the message in that letter, analyzed the intent, and took the advice on board. Wow!

    Maybe that hapless, idiot spinster hat no longer fits? After all, you have a Jersey Boy, so not so much of a spinster. You are clearly not an idiot. And with exceptions that we can all identify with, you are not hapless.

    But you are funny!! You can keep the funny hat!!

    And if you want something to read on line while you can't stitch, I highly recommend the Yarn Harlot (not making it up, it is her blog). I found her blog by accident, and started reading it from the beginning like a novel (as I did with yours last winter). She is a knitter, not a stitcher, but you may identify with her obsession with fibres! And her funnybone!
    http://www.yarnharlot.ca/2004/01/welcome/

    Susan Anonymouse

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  5. You rock my dear. I have been reading your blog since a few months after you first started. I cried when you lost Stewey, and I am morbidly curious about your sister; however, I have a love/hate relationship with my own sister, so I understand. I am sorry that you have health problems and I wish you well. I will keep reading and praying for you as long as you keep blogging and fighting. <3

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  6. You are the BEST! Keep on keeping on and I will try and catch up. I am still mad at Anne. You are our hero and we love you.

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  7. You are remarkable in your capacity to discern, judge and
    to pardon....You wear more hats than you realize. You have
    been wearing the courageous, big girl hat (matching the
    big girls pants)more assuredly and for longer than you may
    think; perfect for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Don't
    hide the screwball, funny chapeau...you light up our world
    when you don it....

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  8. Praying that each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday get better each time. Hugs to you.............

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  9. Such wisdom and self-awareness! I agree with anonymous above...don't lose your funny hat! You need all the humorous thoughts you can have right now. But yes...much better to work WITH your healthcare team as a participant! Praying for you!! And that laceystitcher above...she's a great prayer warrior, I know! We got this!

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  10. Well done Coni!! You have taken on your role with wisdom & grace ( probably sisters of your chickens) The dialysis will smooth out and you will feel better.

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  11. Yay, Coni! Wisdom is the flip side of humility. Also, there is that saying...God sends us nothing but angels.
    On the dialysis front, I do hope it goes better for you. Prayers. ☺

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  12. Blessings to you Coni. I am thinking of you every day. Sending good thoughts.

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  13. Yeah for you...making it through this dialysis session and hitching up those big girls panties yet again. We all wear lots of hats in our lives. Some of us go between boss and employee, wife, mother, best friend, customer, passenger, caregiver, patient, impatient....the list is long. So many chapeaus to keep in motion. I am so glad that you will be keeping the attentive, looking out for myself, serious one on for those vampire sessions three times a week. What amazes me about you is the way you do keep your sense of humor and fun while going through all of this.
    See, I've got this old school mate of mine who has been on dialysis for 18 years (food poisoning, really serious, resulted in lost kidney function) and he is a miserable SOB. Maybe he was a miserable SOB before all this happened and I just didn't notice, but it takes just the slightest thing to turn him into a total grouch.
    So, do keep all those wonderful bowlers, cloches, berets, sun, portraits, and other hats that make you, your wonderful self, around...but always keep that serious attentive in-charge one quite handy.
    Meanwhile, all of us old chickens are clucking for you in our various coops, and some of us are trying to keep warm in the face of record low temps....brrr. So glad my old rooster has fine feathers.
    Prayers continue.....

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  14. Humor and positivity are a good thing for you, but you're right. It needs to be well balanced with understanding of what this process is for you.

    I'm curious (I've never known anyone who went through dialysis, so I'm clueless), aside from the issues with the dialysis process, is your kidney and/or the rest of you starting to feel a difference?

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    1. Hi Debbie...thanks for asking. Were it not for the crashes, the flu, and everything else, I think I can safely say I do feel better...my head is a bit clearer and today I am a little brighter about the gills. I don't want to jinx myself, but methiks I might be on the mend today.

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    2. You really have a hand full of "rotten cards"! But I hope this all settled into routine and you start getting some of your strength and all else needed. I know the transplant surgery will happen and we want you ready.

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  15. You do what you need to do to get you through and what brings you joy. What anyone else thinks/says doesn't matter.

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  16. There is no one right way to do anything in this life. There are a variety of ways to cope and we can try them all on for size...you can change it up when you want to or stick to one tried and true method. Whatever works.

    I don't know that you need to thank people for insulting you. While you can certainly take general lessons from their words, I don't think it's a good idea to reward people for treating you like crap...it'll only encourage more people to treat you like crap. IMHO, setting boundaries about how you will and won't let people treat you is the most important skill in life you could possibly have. As always, my words are only for you to consider...the decision is yours completely. I hope things get better for you from here on out. :)

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    1. Chello, Miss Violet! I think I felt like Miss Anne came out and punched me in the nose, and then, quite uncharacteristically of me...I laid her out. My second email wasn't so much an apology as it was me reaching down and offering a hand off the canvas. I've never really thrown that kind of punch before, and as somebody else pointed out...she came to me privately and I responded publically...a rather passive aggressive move on my part methinks.

      But it's all good....it's all good. I had a good day yesterday, and whether or not that was the result of Anne's blast or me getting clue...I am grateful.



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    2. I'm relieved to hear you're feeling a bit better. That was some *scary* stuff you had to deal with during dialysis.

      As to Anne, you deal with her in whatever way feels right to you. When I was blogging and had my own online haters, sometimes I'd let things slide, sometimes I'd fight back, and sometimes I just deleted/blocked them. Do whatever is easiest for you...don't worry much about them.

      Hugs,
      v.

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  17. I agree with Violet. The message was delivered to you in a very insulting manner. Almost 80 people agreed . Kindness is never wrong. What Anne did was not kind.

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  18. I agree, Anne was not kind....but if her message is working for you, that is what matters. I have had people be very unkind to me on line, we worked it out and are now very good friends. Sometimes a little tough love can be a benefit. Don`t lose your sense of humour, but do take your health seriously dear Coni...we love and support you how ever you manage to deal with this. Love and good wishes to you always, Mj xo

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  19. I'm really not sure what to make of Anne's letter, I'm not so sure it comes from a place of love. It sounds really strange lecturing someone about their personal health issues that they know nothing about.OMG you worked on your stitching, you must not care about your life, come on this is so phony it stinks!I certainly don't think she had your best interest in mind and I wouldn't reward this behavior, but its your blog so you can do as you like.Hope your health improves and have a wonderful New Year!



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  20. You are absolutely wonderful. The world needs more yous in it <3

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