Aug 1, 2017

LEARNING TO LIVE A NEW NORMAL...FOR NOW

I've been having a lot of fun talking about my transition to the new role of A Gentlewoman of Leisure, but the truth of the matter is...this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

For most of my life I've run around with my hair on fire...doing this and that...running hither and yon...and fretting, worrying, and stressing myself into regular tizzie fits.  It might have looked like I was remarkably calm and in control, but I promise you that under the surface of the water my fat little legs were kicking as fast as they possibly could.

I also used to pride myself on the fact that, despite my girth, I was physically a very strong person and had pretty good stamnia for an old broad.  I was able to manage myself and my household without too much drama, and there were times when I would have considered myself moderately physically active.

But now?

The physical toll that this kidney disease has taken is...terrifying.  I am on my knees every night thanking God that I feel as good as I do, since I know that there are sooooo many people with soooo many more terrible ailments than mine, but the loss of my physical well-being is not exactly going down like a spoonful of sugar lately.

(Of course, that last statement was meant to be metaphorical, since I do not currently possess the capability of SEEING my knees...let alone getting on them, but I think you get the point.)

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is...I'm making lemonade here, kids.  And while I am enjoying quiet days of floating in a pool or taking a nap or sitting in the Happy Chair watching the walls, I would trade them quite happily for a day in which I felt better than someone who has just been dropped on their head from a very tall building into a pile of fire ants right after running a marathon and taking an all night chemistry exam.

I don't say this to draw sympathy...that would be my worst nightmare.  I say it to tell you that sometimes it's just nice to come here to the Land of MakeBelieve and Pretty Stitchy Things and talk about the weather.  Or embroidery hoops.  Or the perfect project bag in which one stores their WIPs.  I'm sure Betty would tell me that, in addition to being mentally and emotionally unstable, I am just not living in reality, but...dear, dear sweet hateful Betty...reality just sucks the life out of me at the moment and I have finally found a way to keep it in check by ignoring it completely.

So in between going to the hospital, lab, and doctor's office for tests and appointments and...all of it, I put on my sunglasses and pretend that I'm a Real Housewife of Someplace or Other and I get on with it.  Every now and then I do something fun like float in a pool or wander the storage solutions aisle at the Targets, and other days I can't get out of bed for neither love nor money.

But I'm here.  And to paraphrase Miss Ceily Her Very Self from The Color Purple..."I may be poor.  I may be sick.  I may even be ugly.  But I'm here.  God knows I'm here!"

(Favorite scene in all of moviedom, by the way.  Right up there with Ray saying "It's the Stay-Puft marshmallow man" to explain the coming of Gozer.)

OK, end of ramble.  Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it's OK to just skip merrily through the tulpis while humming a happy tune, and that you all will indulge me as I continue to do so.  We're all in this together, kids, so we might as well have fun while we're doing it.  Right? 






30 comments:

  1. I know what that feels like. I was sick a couple of years ago, and all I could think was "if I had the energy to clean my house, do my laundry, wash my own dishes without wearing out, or feeling like I wasn't even my own body I would never complain again." That day did come, and when I find myself grumbling about everyday, mundane chores, I quickly snap out of that funk, and do my chores gratefully and with a smile. Coni, that day will come for you too! Hang in there.

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  2. Coin, Coni,Coni!! Great post! So often I think we all take our health ( or whatever) for granted and it's time we all thank God we can do what we CAN do! And you prove that!!! I so enjoy your posts- you are very special to all of us and I hope you know that!!!

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  3. I am off to the Target organizer aisle after I type this! The hardest part of being ill AND getting older is the loss of stamina. So pacing myself is important. You are doing a wonderful job of not tearing the paint off the walls and eating it while waiting for whatever comes next! Too vivid?? I love your posts and you!. Keep thinking good thoughts!

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  4. Hi Coni,
    My computer did updates and unregistered my for this blog. Gotta loves computers. Long live AI as it dominates our lives.
    I don't know what to say to you other than, I think I understand. I have an autoimmune disease that saps my energy, and when I get a little energy the backlog of stuff to do is huge, and if I overdo, I can get into a total relapse. When traveling, we now plan significant rest intervals into the plans to give me recovery time before I would expect to actually go all the way "down". I take needlework to occupy me during the day when he is in meetings and the like, rather than going out and about with other spouses or playing at some of my old favorite spots in various locations. Ya do what ya can, when ya can, listen to your body and find joy in whatever you can. Like reading a book floating in the pool....sounds like heaven. I do find an upside in being a lady of leisure - the ability to lounge around all day most days with messy hair and comfy pjs.

    Hang in there, keep up the relaxing, and we'll keep on praying.

    Ginger2004

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  5. Oh, I wanted to mention, don't know if you saw the news but your second choice hunk, David Feherty (the golf guy) just lost his 29 year old son. What a tragedy.

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  6. Thinking of you always with prayers for the return of excellent health. You are amazing for all that you do!

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  7. Absolutely right! I think you're doing what we all do. The absolute best we can with what we've got. Bravo, Miss Coni, Bravo!!! Love, hugs & prayers, Cathryn ♥

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  8. Coni, pay no attention to Betty. If floating in the pool or sitting in front of the tee vee helps you, then do it. We are all praying for you and your return to better health. So, how goes your stitching?

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  9. Hi Coni, I have an autoimmune disease that on some days makes me feel exactly the same. It sucks, doesn't it? But it won't always be this way. Someday you'll look back in this time and realize that it did nothing to you except make you stronger. And you're one strong woman already! We're all cheering you on.

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  10. NeedlesandBlackCatAugust 1, 2017 at 6:17 PM

    Right. Do what you have to do when you have to do it in order to survive and don't give a right good dag nab it about what any dag nab it anybody cares or says. I learned that during one of my rough patches and it I remind myself of that when the need arises. You have a whole bunch of people cheering you on--remember that, okay?

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  11. I find that I need to live in my own little world many times --- put on those pink-colored sunglasses and cuddle down and enjoy the down time if you can! There are so many of us cheering you on and sending you lots of love!

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  12. I put my projects in those colored plastic pencil boxes from walart. Usually if I need a smaller size I will find the picture boxes.

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  13. Coni dear, you have always been a purposeful, accomplishing soul (still are) and you ask of yourself what you did before the kidney demon raised its outrageous
    demands. To everything there is a season and this is the
    season in which you are to pause, rest, and build the wherewithal you need to be restored. That is your purpose now...don't betray it by questioning this new normal...
    ...or allowing yourself to believe you are no longer
    performing to standard.....sometimes the greatest task is
    the one that calls you to be still and let yourself be
    led on a different, more productive path, sans effort and
    the usual todo....the day will come when you will look back over your shoulder and agree that this was a time of
    gifted trust and growing self awareness which you redeemed splendidly.... Look how many you filled with
    laughter today .... ever a star performer...Love you.

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  14. I know exactly how you feel. You find the words so much more easily than I ever could. I too am sick for the first time in my life. I am supposed to be retired by now but instead I am still working everyday to be able to pay all these medical bills. I am in pain everyday and I feel so alone. I have no one who cares. I am waiting to be approved for surgery right now. Please keep writing. You are the first thing I look for each morning and the last thing I look for every night. God bless you Coni. You will never know how much you help me.

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  15. Making lemonade is a good thing and God is watching out for you. My prayers for you and pour another glass!

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  16. Sickness sucks. It's ok to say it. It's ok to escape from the reality of it for awhile. It's also ok that some days you won't be able to cope with the enormity of losing your functioning body. It just is what it is, and we all drag ourselves through it as best as we can. Many hugs, Coni.

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  17. Attitude goes a long way towards improving you physically as all the other medical things you're doing. Acknowledging your limitations, keeping an open mind and positive outlook is key! While I'm quite healthy (thank you my Lord), I am 65 and notice I'm not what I once was. You are helping us all as well as yourself. If I could "wiggle" my nose like Samantha and make it all go away for you, I certainly would!

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  18. Lounge away! I'm happy to hear all about it.

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    1. Me too! Don't you dare apologize for it either! Makes me nuts that you feel you have to explain slowing down right now!

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  19. You are an inspiration and a real comfort to those of us who are sick and feel guilty at not being able to do "all we should". It's not your (or our) fault and we are doing our best. So keep on with your leisurely life at the moment with no guilt or apologies..... it's the right thing for you, right now! Hugs x

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  20. Coni, ignore those who try to bring you down. They are not in your shoes and have no idea what YOU are going through. You bring so much light and joy into our lives with your tales of the day. I look forward to reading them every single day. You make me (us!) smile.

    I can only hope that if I am ever in a similar situation, I would handle it with the same grace that you do.

    Hugs!

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  21. If I could not live in an alternate, happy universe on occasion, I'd probably punch someone in the throat. Keep on keepin' on, Connie and do what you gotta do to get through this thing called life.

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    Replies
    1. You kill me Terry...I love that!

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  22. Take that, Betty! I sincerely hope you have a great day, Coni.

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  23. Betty can go fly a kite! Ramble on my dear. We love you and want what is best for you.

    Wanda aka Stitchychick

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  24. I am just happy to hear you are happy and about whatever made you happy no matter how boring you think it is to all of us :) Keep on keeping on!

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  25. We visit your blog because you are our friend, not because we expect you to be some perfect happy sappy "Life is wonderful" reality star...heck no...we come to visit because we like YOU, just the way you are! You would LOL if you saw me at this minute...I look like just what I am...hot with crazy hair from humidity and tuckered out from a long day
    Not sure who Betty is...but don't think I want to know.
    Hang in there Coni, girl...we all got your back.

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    1. Oops...I don't mean HOT in a Paris Hilton sort of way...I mean it's freakin' hot here!
      Hugs

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  26. Oh I DO love that!! I may just have to wander over to 123 stitch...

    ตารางคะแนน

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  27. When I first began to feel like I couldn't make it through an entre big box store because my knees were so bad I was depressed and embarrassed! I felt like everyone would be judging me, what was I doing in one of those electric chairs? Now I don't care!!! People will think and say whatever they want, but now I can finish ALL my shopping and still have plenty of energy for the rest of my day which does include a healthy amount of stitching and crocheting!!!We are all here together for each other. It can't get any better than that. One day at a time, one stitch at a time. The only thing that could make it any better is a wonderful pot of New England strawberry shortcake coffee. Life is so good.

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