Dec 1, 2016

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Just when I thought I was safe, I awoke yesterday to a weepy, funky mess of a self all day long.  It was bad enough that at nine o'clock last night I actually started laughing at how silly I must look...shuffling about the house with tissues stuffed in my cuffs and blubbering incoherently to the Christmas tree.

I think I read someplace that grief comes in waves, but this is a little nuts.  One minute I'm at the Martins buying bagels and peanut butter, and the next minute I'm face down in a puddle of tears clutching Stewey's blanket like I'm a deranged three year old.

So much for handling things with dignity and grace.

I supose that a qualified mental health professional would tell me that what I'm doing is actually normal, and is probably a release of grief from every loss.  I was twenty-one when Mom died and had Dad and Chrissy to look after, and when Dad died some seventeen years later I guess I was still in the "be strong and lead your family" mode.

Now it's just me, and I don't need to suck it up and act like I've got it semi together, so I suppose all of it has decided to just gush out all over my freshly swept floors. For the first time since 1987 I guess I am feeling like it's OK to be sad and weak and raw and a holy crock pot of a royal mess.

What a strange sensation....

The good news is that the wave seems to have passed today, and so far I've managed to get through a damn good cup of coffee, the paper, and the Jumble without any meltdowns.  The Sudoko might be another story, though, so I'm not going to put the hanky away just yet.

I have a few small errands to run (more beads for Vaceila!), and then it's home to pay bills, do a little laundry, and get some serious stitching done.  I am feeling the need to insert a little Christmas stitching into my "All Vaceila all the time" rotation, so a trip upstairs to the studio might be in order!

Thanks for letting me ponder and ramble, dear friends.  I've always loathed the concept of sharing one's most inner secrets (despite my propensity for doing exactly that on this here blog), but it sure feels nice to know that a tender heart is in such wonderful hands!


54 comments:

  1. Grief does come in waves and is very unexpected. It's easy for me to say go with it, and let yourself cry and weep and gnash... I did, and still do, going on four years of losing my husband, and still crying unexpectedly when I hear a piece of music he loved, or look at my children doing something exactly the way he would do it. Grief never leaves, just changes, but it's still grief.

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  2. You share whatever you want on your blog. Talking about it sometimes helps. as for grieving for the loss of Stewey; I still cry at certain sites for my jack russell/basset hound terrier mix Rascal and he has been gone almost 5 years now. It is funny what triggers the memories and missing the little nut.

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  3. YMMV, but Sudoko always makes me want to cry. Or punch someone. So, good call.

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  4. It's a lot easier to go with the flow of grief than to try and package it. The latter only makes it harder. Stewey, among other things, I suspect, was who you turned to when you needed to be comforted. (Dogs are so good at that.) And now your comforter just isn't physically there. That makes it harder. If you lived near me, I'd happily let you come hang with my dogs. They'd be only too happy to lean into you in a dog-hug and just let you deal with your emotions. Maybe you have a local friend who will share her pet...

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  5. I think grief is a very odd thing that creeps up on you when you're least expecting it. And don't forget, it's still very early days. You're bound to have good days and bad days; I hope that gradually the good will outnumber the bad.

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  6. Grief will just come out of left field and hit you when you least expect it. And that's OK. Let it happen, and work through it. At some point the balance will shift, and you will realize that you've come through the worst of it just fine.

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  7. Coni, you can share whatever you need to share here. The feelings of grief will come and go. It will be okay. Sending you gentle hugs!

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  8. Sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It's true, grief comes on waves, you just have to ride the waves. Glad your doing better today.

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  9. With grief do whatever works. Don't stuff it in a box and try to hide the box in a closet. That will bite you every time. sometimes you've got to take it out and wallow in it too you make it through.

    And Coni...while you've had to be the adult of the family for years, sometimes putting that title down and doing a childlike dance is what the doctor ordered. My sister stopped talking to me last Christmas day. So, we've been on the same path all year. It's to the point now, if she doesn't want me in her life then fine. I still love her, but at a distance and I've accepted the apology I've never received. Time to live your life the way you want not how others feel you should!

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  10. NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL. It serves no good purpose to hold it all inside, it has to have somewhere to go, so blubber away, gnash, thrash and scream if necessary. We will all still be here to listen and care.

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  11. Take it each day as it comes and know that there are many people out there in the "great blue yonder" who care. Sharing will help and I admire you greatly for doing just that.

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  12. It's ok to grieve.
    You gave Stewey the bestest life a doggie could have, and he knows that.
    Take care.
    (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
    Marilyn

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  13. When my cat Willow died unexpectedly I was in deep grief and would function but lose it at the drop of a hat. It takes time and I send hugs from Oregon.

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  14. I have been following your blog for over a year and my heart goes out to you. Not having children I know that in a sense my pets have become my children . Your care and love of Stewey is evident to anyone who reads you writings. Many years and many cats ago(my husband rescues cats routinely and we currently have 9 ) I lost a cat named Zoe and I still miss herand think of her often but thje grief has diminished. I hope that you soon have peace

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  15. Those grief bursts and days lost to sorrow, for me, continued for quite some time. Our contractor was so devastated over his Yorkie's death, that he couldn't go out on jobs for weeks because the tears would not stop. Don't be so hard on your feelings, you have a gaping hole in your heart.

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  16. Grief is....grief. There are no rules or regulations for grieving, or time limit. What you are doing is very healthy...you are moving through it and with it, and that changes moment to moment some times.
    Hang in there and know your friends are all there with you in spirit and you never alone.
    Hugs

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  17. So normal, and you're doing great Coni. Just go with the emotions, every day will be different. We're all with you. ❤️️

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  18. Who needs a mental health professional when you have blog readers? You sound perfectly healthy to me, and as every commentor here can attest, we each grieve in our individual ways. The only time I would recommend counseling is if you try to suppress and deny the grief instead of letting it be expressed as it needs to be.

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  19. This is how it goes. Losing Stewey is huge and it takes time to heal. Sending warm thoughts to you.

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  20. Coni, you can share your feelings here anytime. Stitchers are the most understanding people and your tender heart will be handled gently. Mourning takes all sort of avenues. Some days will be soft and warm and gentle. Other days can be sad. It is all a part of "the process". So many of us have gone through it. My prayers include you every night dear lady. Rest easy as we have you in our thoughts and prayers. Stewey was so loved. And he so loved you! Cindy in northern Illinois

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  21. Coni, you're doing just fine and as many of us here will attest it just ain't easy.

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  22. I once lost a most beloved dog in a tragic car accident. I only had my doggie for one year, but I mourned him for many more than that. Probably not a comforting thought, but at least you know that you are not alone. A good dog is worth mourning.

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  23. Coni, how well I understand what you so capably describe! Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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  24. I'm struggling periodically with grief about my Dad who died eight weeks ago. Mostly OK now but then last week I was gathering all his woodcarving gear to give to a close friend of Dad's and was in howling moaning tears for ten minutes over his carving apron! It just comes and goes Coni...and gorgeous Stewie was such fun that it is bound to be hard and poleaxe you now and again.

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  25. It is okay to cry at any time

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  26. It is okay to cry at any time

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  27. Gracie is exactly right. Cry whenever you ned to. You have suffered a tragic loss of a beloved family member. Crying is appropriate.

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  28. Some days grief washes over you like a wistful little burble of ocean froth. Other days it skepams you down and drags you ten miles inland like a freak, out of nowhere tsunami. Both extremes and everywhere in between is normal and there isn't much to be done but ride it out.

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  29. You sound 100% normal to me!!

    I don't mean to pry, but what happened with your sister? Did she move away or something?

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  30. Your on/off grieving sounds very normal. There are stages one needs to go through. Let yourself go through them until you get to the other side.

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  31. I behaved exactly the same way when I lost my Besty (17 year old Lhasa Apso) 18 months ago. I went to sleep most nights clutching her blanket and crying my eyes out. It gets better, as I'm sure you know. Thinking of you.

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  32. It does get better eventually, but you are completely normal!!! I still miss my Tucker but am grateful he's out of pain. Yesterday was also the 10 year anniversary of my Mom's death so I was a blubbery mess too...it ain't just you, sistah. We're all here for you.

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  33. Consider watching The Empath Star Trek episode. It is not an easy one to watch and was banned in the U.K. until 1991. After years of being the strong one in my family who was always there with nobody to help me with my distress I realized I was similar to The Empath. Like I said, it is not for everybody and may upset you further but it helped me.

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  34. You just do what you gotta do and know we are still crying with you <3

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  35. It will get easier but you will never forget your Stewey. xx

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  36. I think you're doing great! It's a process but you'll get through it!

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  37. There are times you struggle greatly because you loved so
    greatly and in that is the comfort... concentrate on that
    love and honor Stewey by recounting his most lovable traits to anyone who will listen.... keep him alive and
    you will not be "alone", you have a whole coterie
    of loving blog Friends surrounding you...who will never allow you to be too solitary... Bills, laundry, stitchery and whatever. Just look at what you accomplish when the
    doldrums hit... onward and upward...you are loved.

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  38. I used to travel constantly. Circumstances were fortunate that I was able to travel with my little Dukie. He had as many airmiles as I did. Which were a lot! Dukie and I lived thru the death of my husband, later on a marriage resulting years later into a very nasty and prolonged divorce. Dukie hung in there for 16 years, for me. I grieved harder at the loss of my Dukie than at any other time. I do realize now that his passing and the grief I went through were also for things past. It is normal and happens to most of us at one time or another. So, I understand what you are saying and going through. Let it happen as it will permit you to come out healthier and stronger on the other side. We love you, Connie. And we love Stewey and the memories and experiences of him.

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  39. I have always heard... welllllll not always but since my first heart break many, many years ago that it takes 1/2 as long to recover from heartbreak as you loved that person or puppy or kitty. Not to mean you ever REALLY recover... but just that you are able to cope better after that.
    Ruth in Oxnard CA.

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  40. I'm so sorry you're still having a tough time. I truly understand.....it took me over a month to get through a day without crying after our little teacup schnauzer passed unexpectedly.....I've read that those who grieve the most, loved the deepest. I know you loved Stewey intensely.
    xxx

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  41. I don't think I've ever heard a better description of grief. You just have to go w/the flow. Sending you healing thought.

    MaryO1230
    San Pedro,CA

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  42. I don't think I've ever heard a better description of grief. You just have to go w/the flow. Sending you healing thought.

    MaryO1230
    San Pedro,CA

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  44. I know what you are through is crap,I like you lost my dog and best friend,Lotus. Just when I thought I had a handle on it, bang a fist to the chest,couldn't breath,I knew that my heart was broken. Then I lost my Dad and my baby sister,it all came back the same way and just as bad. When it happened all I could do was close my eyes breath knowing that it too would pass. But it takes time and it bloody sucks. I'm so sorry that you must go through this,but it the only way to heal.And I know you do not want to hear it,but in time another pet.Yep I know,but you have so much love in your heart,and you can't just leave it there, you gotta share it with another pet.That also helps in the healing.

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  45. Wait till you're in out in public and tears begin to fall and you have a meltdown in the bathroom stall and keep flushing the toilet in hopes no one will hear your sobbing. Just saying it might have happened to me. Maybe you can give yourself a moment of what if there is someone else I could love and let your heart wonder.

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  46. And on a happier note: Jeffry Dean Morgan has been on the Tonight Show and the Today Show in the past two weeks. I didn't know who is was! GIRL what a hunk-a-hunk of burnin' love he is! Be still my heart and all of that. Now I will Google him and start watching him to help steam up the cold nights with a big mug of hot chocolate (after my husband goes to bed that is). Girl you know he has it goin' on! WOW oh WOW! I hope this will bring a smile to your lips for a minute or two.

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  47. Coni, it is so normal. I have been devastated by the loss of every furbaby we've had in our home. Stewey was so important in your life. Love, hugs & prayers, Cathryn

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  48. Coni, I'm so sorry to read about Stewey, honestly I was in San Francisco and two weeks ago Edgar broke the news to me when we met u there. I want you to know that you have my deepest sympathies. I am so very sorry. I think you are doing just what you need to do, I know that if I just cry, cry, cry sometimes that relieves something and later I'll feel a bit better. With the love that you shared with Stewey I know that your heart is fully broken right now....and it's OK to grieve and cry and pull your hair and gnash your teeth. Its healthy (and plus it always makes me feel better) If there is anything I can do (I know right...like what can I do over cyberspace?) But if you need to talk or anything you just let me know. I'm a good listener and an even better friend.

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  49. I so remember grieving the loss of family, friends, and my beloved adopted rabbits. The overall process was the same, because the amount of grief doesn't depend on the object of your love, whether person or animal, but on how deeply you loved. The deeper the connection, the more pain when it's severed. Sometimes it's a trickle of melancholy, sometimes a tidal wave of sadness that threatens to overwhelm you. The hard part is that they both can happen within five minutes of each other when the loss has just happened. It's all normal, and as others have said so well here, way more healthy to let it out than keep it in. I will keep you in prayer for God's comfort and healing of your heart.

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  50. Everyone is right, it will overwhelm you at times, especially as we approach the tear-fest and emotional roller coaster that is Christmas! You have a lot of caring, listening ears all here for you.

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  51. It's good for you to let your grief out. So glad you are feeling better. One day at a time....................

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  52. I've been there and done that... You're too good a mother and there is another little furry guy out there who needs a great home. Think about it.

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  53. I pray for God to take me, I have lost everyone and everything, you have a studio and a hell of alot more than millions

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