Dec 25, 2015

EPIC PERIOD FAIL PERIOD

Question: How many Rich Sisters does it take to screw up a Christmas?
Answer: Two...Clark Griswold and The Antichrist.

Question: How was your Christmas, Spinster Stitcher?
Answer:  Fine...nothing a bottle of Tylenol and a certified mental health professional can't fix (provided that the certified mental health professional happens to be named Jack Daniels).

Question: Did you do anything special for the holidays?
Answer: Why yes, yes I did.  I became an only child.

Question: Hey, Spinster Stitcher!  Where's your sister, Aunt Chrissy?
Answer: I don't know.  I'm an only child.

Next year, I am going to throw a Christmas for all of the people in the world who just want to have a Christmas.  You know the types...full of love and good wishes and Yuletide cheer.  People who don't ask for much....just a little common courtesy and to be treated with just a smidgen of respect.  And, I'm going to make sure that everybody that comes to the Christmas knows that it's OK to be a total schmuck and hope that somehow, just once, this year will be different and that the people that are supposed to love you will know how to behave and not decide to be a colossal (*) instead.

There will be food and decorations and music and presents and so much happiness and joy you'll want to gouge your eyes out.  And then, just when you think you can't take it anymore, it will get better because you'll look around and realize that the person who has peed in your Cheerios and generally screwed up your life is off having a grand time with all of the other stupid selfish cruel Misfit Toys who deserve whatever sociopathic fun they've cooked up for themselves and you, my friend, don't have to have your heart broken yet again.

So, Merry Christmas to all of us Clark Griswolds out there in search of a good old fashioned fun family Christmas.  May our trees be brightly lit, our eggnog be eggnoggy and may our hearts continue to overflow with joy, wonder, and hope.

Did anybody, by any chance, get a time machine for Christmas that I could borrow?   I need a do-over...only this time I'm going to say "Sorry, no room at the inn" and just eat my Christmas brisket and twice-baked potatoes in peace.

(Oh, and I'm going to skip the part whereby I stand in the driveway and try to look authoritative in my Christmas pajamas.  It's hard to look authoritative in your driveway when you're covered in penguins wearing Santa hats and your shirt says "Chill".)

(My God.  The irony.)

Never fear, kiddos.  I am made of pretty hearty stock and promise to bounce back from this latest calamity toot sweet.  As soon as I finish my newspaper puzzles and have a couple of damn Greek cookies, I'm heading to the Happy Chair with needle and thread, my coloring book, and five seasons of Downton Abbey for company.  Season six starts on January 3rd, and besides...who couldn't use a little escape to the English countryside about now?

Here's hoping that your Christmas didn't have a Rich Sister in sight and that you got everything you hoped for and nothing you didn't.

Woo Hoo!
Coni


(*)  I had to delete what I had here originally after giving it a moment...you, my dear sweet friends simply do not deserve to have to read it.





31 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry your Christmas hasn't been Merry and Bright. Tomorrow it will be over. A new wonderful year. All of your fans send you warm greetings, and a joyous new year.

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  2. Merry Christmas! Hope it was much better than your post indicates. Remember, all your blog followers love you. Happy 2016 too!

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  3. Nothing I can say will make it better. Just know I'm thinking about you.

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  4. So sorry that you're Christmas didn't have much cheer. Ours wasn't too great either--I have an upper respiratory infection and stayed home so I didn't infect anyone. My kids aren't in the area so I didn't see them and my oldest hasn't called yet and it's almost bedtime.

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  5. Sorry it was messed up, Coni. I wish you a bright and happy new year, with all the drama behind you.

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  6. So sorry- sadly far too many of us can relate, but like you we will try again and again and yet again . Wishing you and Stewie a very happy new year!

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  7. Sorry to read that your Christmas wasn't merry and bright. Wishing you a happy and healthy 2016!

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  8. Its how you live every day that counts. Every day is a celebration!!! You are a special person, and no one can take that away from you.

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  9. Sister, Next Christmas you are invited to my house.....along with Jeffery Dean Morgan. No drama here. oh, and bring Stewy, too!!

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  10. Oh Coni, I'm so sorry to see this post back. Last nite after reading the original I sent you an email to your account in your profile. Though you don't know me I hope you'll keep the number and use it if u need to. I can be a caring compassionate listener. I know I am not alone in believing that you deserve all the joy you have given us thru your blog to be returned ten fold! Cathy Siedlecki

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  11. I feel totally out of the loop here. You bring joy to so many readers ...I hope you're not sad.

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  12. You know the saying you can pick your friends not your family Been there know the pain

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  13. I agree with Donna. Also, have been there and done that.

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  14. I agree with Donna. Also, have been there and done that.

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  15. Christmas is hard sometimes. So many expectations! I am happy that you (like me) are content with your own company and solitary pursuits. Know that there are people out here in the internet world who care and like you very much!

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  16. Coni I am so sorry you had a bad Christmas!! Sending love, hugs and kisses to you and Stewey. xo

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  17. Hey there, Coni... Just thinking of you... I love your blog, your talent, your wit and honesty.. If I weren't in Wisconsin living my own needlework life and dealing with my pups and other drama I know we would be buds. Hang in there... Your blogless friend, Barb

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  18. I'm so sorry Coni, I hope you are feeling better soon! You bring so much joy to all who read your blog, you deserve a Very Happy New Year!

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  19. Coni - I am but one of your many ardent blog readers. I so love your great wit and the charm that comes through these entries. I can't imagine how awful you must feel to have written and then posted that blog. I wish I knew you for real. I would be so proud to have such a clever, entertaining, and loving friend. Your sister is no doubt riddled with sibling envy. May your New Year be filled with joy and all the true blessings of life. Stewy too!

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  20. Well, I can guess your original post, but at least you can say goodbye to your pain in the ass mine moved in with me three months ago. Why did I think that mother would be different?

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  21. Dear Coni, What a rotten thing to happen. Families and Christmas - a recipe for disaster sometimes!
    Please keep blogging, you are more loved than you know. Sending love and best wishes for 2016 all the way across the pond from Downton Land! xx

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  22. I've thought about since you wrote your post and I've decided that you and Stewey are coming to my house in Florida next year. There will be plenty of food, lots of doggie kisses, and a break for you from normal life.

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    Replies
    1. With a stop in NC on the way back for New Years!

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  23. Coni,
    The best Christmas I ever had was spent in a movie theater alone watching Spielberg's 1940, or whatever it was called. Christmas rarely lives up to the expectations, I swear.

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  24. Know that you are not alone and that family, Christmas time and a full moon is just a bad combo! You have a great deal of support and loving thoughts coming you way. Liz

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  25. Dear Coni,
    Thanks for the laughter and joy you bring to me and so many others; for sharing your worry when Stewey is not well;for sharing your love for him at all times; for sharing your beautiful stitching and your life with us - you are such a gift to so many.

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  26. I'm sorry your Christmas didn't go well. ((HUGS))

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  27. Wow! I read your blog regularly but rarely comment. I guess I missed the original, but this one is bad enough. Just remember The Sun will come out tomorrow! If you read Facebook, you should see that a lot of people believe that 2016 will be wonderful, and I wish this ffor you and Stewie too.(((Connie)))
    me hugging you.

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  28. Coni, I missed the original post so am trying to get up to speed. I am surprised and saddened to hear of your less-than-sisterly Chrsitmas. As one of your long-time readers, I always thought you guys were so close. Hang in there and remember...10% of your life is what happens to you and 90% is how you react to it.
    Hugs, Carolyn

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