Dec 6, 2012

WITH ALL DUE APOLOGIES TO THE NICE PEOPLE AT GE CAPITAL BANK

Somewhere in the Midwestern Unites States, a telephone rings.

SPINSTER: Hello?

GE CAPITAL BANK:  Is this Stanley Wapshot?

SPINSTER; No, I'm sorry.  There's nobody here by that name.  As I've explained to several of your colleagues that have called before you, the number you have been given for Mr. Wapshot is not correct.

GE CAPITAL BANK:  This is not Stanley Wapshot?

SPINSTER: No, I'm afraid that it isn't.

GE CAPITAL BANK:  Well then, who am I speaking to?

SPINSTER:  You first.  Who am I speaking to?

GE CAPITAL BANK:  This is Antwan.  I'm a debt collector with GE Capital Bank.

SPINSTER: Yes, well, hello Antwan.  Stanley Wapshot doesn't live here.  Stanley Wapshot has never lived here, and I don't expect that Stanley Wapshot will live here in the future.  I don't know anybody by that name and I'm not sure why you have my number affixed to his file, but I've had this particular telephone number for most of my adult life, and I can assure you that I do not now nor have I ever known anybody named Stanley Wapshot.

GE CAPITAL BANK:  So this isn't his number?

SPINSTER:  Nope.  Not his number.

GE CAPITAL BANK: Do you know how I can get a hold of him?

SPINSTER: (wondering when she started speaking Greek instead of English, and what would happen if she suddenly confessed to actually knowing Stanley Wapshot, but revealing the truth that she had bound and gagged him before stuffing him into a steamer trunk in the attic)

GE CAPITAL BANK:  Mrs. Wapshot?

SPINSTER:  You can reach Stanley Wapshot at 867-5309, Antwan.  Good luck.

GE CAPITAL BANK:  867-5309?

SPINSTER:  Yup.  Ask for Jenny.  She'll point you in the right direction.

GE CAPITAL BANK:  Thank you, Mrs. Wapshot.  Have a good day.

SPINSTER:  You too, Antwan.  And I hope that you and all of the fine folks there at GE Capital Bank have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

40 comments:

  1. Brilliant - you rock, Spinster Stitcher!! What a great idea to get rid of those pesky calls. My son works overseas, and I get tons of nuisance clls wanting to sell him stuff. I may just give them a "better" number to reach him at!
    Colleen

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  2. for a good time call.............

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  3. Did you point them back to the main switchboard for the bank? :)

    M in NC

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  4. Took me a minute. That's great! But they'll be baaaack!!! Good luck getting rid of them for good.

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  5. Too funny! I bet they call you again, Mrs. Wapshot.

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  6. That was perfect! If they call again, tell them the story about the steamer trunk! You made my afternoon, Mrs. W.

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  7. Too Funny, If they continue I would get a whisle and when they ask for Stanley say sure just let me call him in and then blow good and loud right in the mouth piece, that should give them an earfull.

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  8. And now that song will run through my brain for hours! What a great idea.

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  9. Way to go!!! But what a pity you couldn't use the steamer trunk story too.

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  10. That song is in my head now Coni!!! lol I am smiling and singing 86753099999 !!!

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  11. My daughters gave Jenny's number out to boys they did not like or men they met when they were out clubbing.

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  12. LOLOL! Good answer!
    Isn't that aggravating though? We have lived here almost eight years, and still get calls for the guy who had the number before us....he and his lady friend sure owe a LOT of people! I even called the phone company and they said the number had been vacant for TWO years before we got it. So that is 10 years total. I think the guy just gives out this number for the hell of it!

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  13. OMG, I laughed till tears fell. That is just the most wonderful thing I've heard in months. I must remember that. I've only had my number a little more than six years and I wonder if a deadbeat had it before me because I still get calls for the guy. It didn't matter how many times I told them I didn't know this person they would still call. I finally found a telephone that has call blocking capabilities. They are now blocked and I no longer have to deal with them. If it gets really bad, that could be an option for you.
    Pamela
    Tucson, AZ

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  14. Nice work! I loved that you did that! I agree with Pamela - block that number the next time they call you!

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  15. Annnnd unfortunately I have the privilege of following what looks like a porn spammer but thanks Coni- now I can't get that song out of my head! And I had successfully eradicated it back in 1992. Maybe you could provide GE Capital with the above website as a means of contacting Stanley?

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  16. Too funny! Had to read it out loud to dh. Years ago, shortly after becoming single and moving into my own apartment, I started receiving phone calls for a particular gentleman from many different ladies, always after midnight. Constantly telling them this was not his number wasn't working. Finally, I told a young lady,"He's in the shower right now, can I give him a message?" Last call I ever got for him. Don't know what happened to him, but expect it wasn't pretty.

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  17. it's good to laugh after an exhausting day; thanks!!!

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  18. I can't stop giggling....what a hoot!! I used to get calls for Rent-a-Wreck. Apparently they had my number before it was given to me. I finally started telling people I wasn't available for rent that day. About two months into the daily Rent-a-Wreck episodes I got a call asking for Better Body Industries...ah...finally things were looking up! Hopefully you've heard the last of Stanley, although I seem to recall a flat Stanley visiting once, was his last name Wapshot? LOL

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  19. Your blog is one of the highlights of my week, and today's was one of your best!

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  20. Thank you for the wonderful ideas. I get repeated collection calls for about 8 different people. My phone number ends in 4 identical digits. I think people put it down on their loan applications hoping to re-direct future calls when they default. I screen all my calls to avoid being called Mrs. Wapshot. I plan to re-think my practice and prank a few collectors. Love your blog!

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  21. Thanks for the laugh. I love reading your blog

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  22. My friend Marlon has an entertaining way of dealing with this type of call. He pretends to be a police detective who is on the scene of a recently-discovered homicide and then starts asking the caller how they knew the deceased....gets their name, the name of their supervisor, the number to call to verify when they were working and the location...

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  23. So funny. I too now have that song going thru my head.

    I agree, if they call again, block their number. Those calls are so annoying.

    I like Ann's comment about pretending to be a police homicide detective and turning the questions back to them.

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  24. ROFL!! Thanks for the laugh!!

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  25. This is classic, thank you for the good laugh

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  26. Aren't these idiots annoying? Just last week some guy called our phone number asking for the guy who lived in this house OVER TEN YEARS AGO. (Never had this phone number though...must have used a reverse look-up.)

    I wonder why they keep asking the same questions. Do they think they'll get a different answer? lol!

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  27. After my parents passed away, they had been living with me, I would get calls for them for all sorts of things. Finally after telling the same people over & over again they were gone I started giving out the cemetery's number! Even now after 12yrs I get calls for them & after saying they not here I give out the cemetery's number. And not one of those callers have ever called back complaining!

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  28. Silly me! I missed the telephone reference... Good one, Coni! Kiss-ees to Stewey and Bosco!
    Barb in Syracuse

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  29. Oh, you are so funny! I just LOVE reading your stuff!
    (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

    p.s. Is Stanley Wapshot there?

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  30. LOL!!! This was great! I like to pretend I'm very hard of hearing...it goes like this - Hello?...can you speak up?... I can't hear you...talk louder!!! Hello? Is that you Marvin? ...I'm gonna tell Jackie you keep calling! Hello? ...This must be a bad connection...I cant hear you. click - A really broad and loud Brooklyn accent is fun - or deep south...but always VERY LOUD!!! Never let them get more than two words in... Sometimes they hang up before I do! LOL

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  31. You think fast on your feet! Very clever. My collectors were calling for - get this - Mary Kay!!! At first I thought it was a joke, but turned out that it was a real person; Kay was spelled Kaye. I found out at my vets because they keep people's records by phone number. When they put mine in, her name came up. So, I googled her. Then, the next time the collectors called, I said "Well, when I (emphasis) looked her up on Google, I found that she was living in southern California! Now, if you call me again, I will report you to my state's attorney general. No more calls for Mary Kay(e) with or without the E!!!

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  32. Oh my gosh! So funny! I am so glad to have found your blog. =)

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  33. I always wonder where they find these people to hire!

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  34. ROFL!! Love your blog so much, Coni!

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  35. LOL..that was brilliant. Too funny

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