Dec 1, 2011

I'M BLAMING THIS ONE ON MY AUNT CHRISSY

My mo-ther can't come to the blog right now. I've sent her off to her room to think about what she's done. With good behavior and time served, I would anticipate that she will be released sometime next March, but with a very sturdy monitoring device in tow.

Every year it's the same thing. My Aunt Chrissy decorates her house for Christmas and we go over there to look at it, and on the drive home my mo-ther says "Stewey, I want our house to be equally as festive and lovely as your Aunt Chrissy's."

And every year we end up with some crazypants hot mess that can only be described as...well...a crapzypants hot mess.

My Aunt Chrissy's theme this year is so elegant I can't even begin to explain it. Peacock blue. Chocolate brown. Olive green. A tree that is at once so sublime, yet gorgeous that I just want to gaze upon it in wonder. A mantle that is the absolute epitome of elegance-ness. Decorations placed here and there throughout her beautiful house that make you want to sing carols and eat gingerbread cookies. Perfection, if you ask me. My Aunt Chrissy definitely knows how to decorate a house for Christmas. That's for d-a-m-n sure.

My mo-ther, on the other hand, decides that our theme this year will be "whimsical". Whimsical? Here? Not so much. I, for one, think that if RuPaul and Tim Burton had a love child, even he, she, or it would hate this disaster of a Christmas tree:

Even the damn squirrels can't believe that somebody would be nuts enough to put a white feather boa on a Christmas tree:
"A white feather boa? On a Christmas tree? Really?"

I, too, am left completely stumped as to why my mom thinks that a top hat is "jaunty" and lends a certain air of "whimsical-ness" to a Martha Stewart Bearclaw Mountain artificial Christmas tree. I ask you...does Martha strike you as the type of person who would decorate her Bearclaw Mountain artificial tree with a top hat OR a white feather boa?

I think not.

So today I am left with the realization that this year we will live in a home that looks like it was decorated by a crack addict with a Hobby Lobby gift card, and there's nothing I can do about it. I had hopes, I really did. I thought that my Aunt Chrissy's tree would give the old lady some inspiration to decorate in a fashion that would at once celebrate the season and light the cold winter nights without making me want to retch into my handkerchief. Alas, it is not to be.

I will remained miffed for the duration of the afternoon, and then I'm hoping that my Aunt Chrissy will come over with a strong sedative and some ideas as to how we might make this place a little more tolerable. (The sedative is for you-know-who, and once we get it into her vat of dietCoke and tuck her in, we should have five or six hours to undo the mess that took her a week and a half to make).

That's the report from Chez Stewey today, my dear friends. I hope that you won't rat me out to Santa Claus over my bad attitude....I could really use some new handkerchiefs.

Until we meet again, I remain your loyal and devoted friend,
Stewey

26 comments:

  1. Your tree look great and could be in a magazine! Very whimsical and designer-looking. I love the urn base. Very creative.
    Carolyn

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  2. ROTFL!!! Shhh....don't tell Stewey, but I've had a white feather boa on my REAL LIVE tree before....

    I think it looks great!

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  3. Stewey - I love your mama's tree. You wanna see a hot mess - tell her to go to my blog and take a gander at my mess!

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  4. Stewey should write a book. He's hilarious! Of course, he does have very good material to work with. heehee!

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  5. Very funny... great post! Good luck with the house. How about a stitchy/sewy themed tree :-)

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  6. Loving the tree - can you come and decorate mine??
    I'd love to see some pictures of Aunt Crissy's too...

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  7. I'm in love with your tree! It looks awesome! :)

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  8. I absolutely LOVE the hat on the tree!
    I bought a hat for our tree also!

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  9. absolutely love LOVE your tree! I think it is beautiful! I would also love to see a picture of Aunt Chrissy's tree too, as I am sure it is just as beautiful!

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  10. I think your tree is beautiful!

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  11. Sorry, Stewey, but I can't back you up on this one. That tree seriously rocks. It is SO cool that I want one. But my house is overrun with cats and I suspect that rather than even bother with a Christmas tree (that they climb and knock every single ornament from), I'm just going to hang up a picture of YOUR tree. :D

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  12. Stewey,,
    It'll be ok, buddy. Mom's tree really rocks! You can bet no one else in your corner of Hoosierville has one like it. I love that she changes it up a little each year.
    P.S. Love that thing you do with your ears! How do you do that?

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  13. Love the top hat - it looks whimsical!

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  14. I lost it with the Squirrel picture. hahahahha. That tree is really nice, reminds me of something you'd find in Who-ville!

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  15. oh Stewey, just love your dry wit, but I tell you "crack addict with a Hobby Lobby gift card" had me rolling!!!! I love your picture and as Bob Cratchit would say you are "a philosopher and a gentleman." I hate to admit it, but with the exception of the 'boa and top hat', the tree is beautiful. Take care, Stewey. Cathryn

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  16. Agree with Pandy...that is a TOTAL Who-ville tree. Which is probably why I love it so much! Who-ville (and your tree) rocks!

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  17. Stewey;

    Please tell your Mo-the that BBC America is televising The Tudors and I know understand the obsession.

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  18. Stewey, your moms tree is lovely and whimsical just like her, you should be proud. Love your post and hers they are so funny.

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  19. Stewey - Mom's tree is just great and whimsical is good. Stop wanting her to comete with Aunt Chrissy - your Mom has great taste (afterall she chose you to live with her, didn't she?).

    Be sure to tell your Mom that despite your harsh words, she has a stitching friend in PA who thinks the treat is super!

    Linda

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  20. Look, doggy-brain, it's a Christmas tree. And with a Christmas tree, more-is-more! Of course, you're ground-bound, so you can't see the possibilities here for climbing and hearing the lovely tinkling sound of ornaments hitting the floor, nor do you recognize just how much fun it would be to grab that white feather boa...because you're a d-o-g.

    The tree rocks. Wish we could come visit and play in it.

    Love (kind of),

    The Cats

    PS: Our mom thinks your mom's tree rocks! She wants one 'just like it' in pink, turquoise, and olive trim on a white tree.

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  21. your tree is whimsical - and awesome!

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  22. Hey, a top hat goes on top, right? So this tree makes perfect sense to me. It's wonderful!

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  23. I LOVE your tree! Don't tell Aunt Chrissy but I like your colors better (but a picture might convince me that hers is nice too!)

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  24. I think you are being far too hard on your Mother, that tree looks wonderful! I love colorful trees with varying ornaments. They are more interesting than a tree decorated in just one type of ornament or just one color.

    Think of this, you could be at my house..no decorations yet and no tree yet. LOL

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