Aug 19, 2011


I've received so many comments and emails saying "Hey Spinster Stitcher! Who's this Jeffrey Dean Morgan you keep going on and on about?!"

Please allow me to introduce the future Mr. Spinster Stitcher in all of his hunk-i-tude. Isn't his smile sublime?
Stewey, however, feels that THIS is the better picture of his future special daddy. (JDM'S dog is named Bisou...French for kiss.) (Damnit. I just typed JDM, French, and Kiss all in the same sentence.) (I have to go take a shower now.)

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...


My mom can't come to the blog right now. She's frantically searching the Hoosierville Yellow Pages for a "theatrical agent".

(Or at least I think that's what she's doing. I've given up trying to figure this woman out.)

She was sitting at the kitchen table having her brunch (scrambled EggBeaters and whole wheat baguette, thank you very much), when she saw a new show being advertised on the TeeVee. I didn't catch the official name of it, but suffice it to say I heard the words "crazy", "obsessive", and "collections" at the exact moment the old lady jumped up and spilled her cranberry juice cocktail all over the hardwood.

Apparently the folks at one of the discovery/learning-type channels have come up with a new show that will feature various people and their "strange collections". I think one of the young men featured collects vacuum cleaners, and unless my eyes deceived me, there is a woman who collects dolls.

Lots and lots of dolls.

(Really creepy dolls, if you ask me.)

(Now before you send hate mail, please understand that we here at Chez Spinster have absolutely nothing against doll collections per se. As a matter of fact, my mo-ther tells me that she and Aunt Chrissy had a rather extensive collection of Dolls From Around The World, and that it was in perfectly lovely condition before they decided to give Miss Poland a haircut.)

But I regress....

My stupid mo-ther thinks that there is a place for her in the television world, and that it would be fascinating to watch a portly, sweaty, and somewhat deranged spinster careen her way through life...obsessions, exasperated sister, and little dog in tow.

(I, it must be said, am not of the same opinion.)

I would imagine that when my Aunt Chrissy gets home from work tonight, there will be a phone call that will go something like this:

MO-THER: Hi, Aunt Chrissy. How was your day.

AC: Well, I worked on a project and....

MO-THER: OK. Back to me. Have you seen this new show on TLC about crazy people and their obsessional collections?!

AC: No. I work for a living and am not accustomed to sitting around watching television all day.

MO-THER: Well, there's this show, see. And it features people who collect things. And they're not exactly normal things like needlepoint canvases or skeins of Caron Watercolours or cross stitch charts. They're things like vacuum cleaners and really creepy dolls! Can you imagine! Do you know how much fun I would have on a show like that...showing the world how a REAL crazy obsessive collector does things? Oh my gosh, Aunt Chrissy! We're going to be famous! Can't you just imagine it?!!!!!

AC: Put Stewey on the damn phone.

STEWEY: Hello, Aunt Chrissy? This is Stewey.

AC: Hi, Stewey. Do you need me to come over to pick you up?

STEWEY: Yes, please, Aunt Chrissy. I'll be waiting in the driveway.

And so it goes. Another night with my aunt because my mo-ther has decided to go into one of her "Let's think about this and research it and devise and plan and then go write it down and then review it" kind of modes.

Actually, I'm not really all that upset about this one. The happy side of it is that it's gotten her out of her whole Jeffrey Dean Morgan obsession. THIS is the phone call that happened during the apex of all of THAT JDM pondering...

MO-THER: OK, Aunt Chrissy. I need you to pay careful attention. I'm going to go on the Dr. Phil show, see. I figure that I could be one of his special projects, and in the course of sweeps week, he could point out everything that's wrong with me and then fix it.

AC: Uh-hmm. (Not really paying attention, because she's pretty sure that even Dr. Phil wouldn't touch what's wrong with her stupid sister with a ten foot pole).

MO-THER: Now when the producers call you to get background information and childhood pictures and whatnot, I need you to tell them that I am just nuts for Jeffrey Dean Morgan and that if there's any way they could convince him to come on the show to surprise me for the "big reveal", that would be damn good television.

AC: (sound of crickets chirping, because she's put the phone down and gone to the kitchen to fix dinner)

(Don't worry....she comes back every now and then to see if her stupid sister is still blathering.)

(She is.)

MO-THER: So Dr. Phil fixes all of the stuff that's wrong with me, don't you know, and after some extensive plastic surgery, a wardrobe consultation, and maybe a haircut, he invites me to come out on the stage and show the world how I single-handedly re-invented myself. Then, just as I'm about to tell the world how single-handedlyI re-invented myself, Dr. Phil says "I understand from your sister that you have a thing for Jeffrey Dean Morgan". And I say "Why yes, yes I do, Dr. Phil", and at that very moment, Jeffrey Dean Morgan appears on the stage to thunderous applause. So then Dr. Phil tell me that as a special reward for single-handedly re-inventing myself, I'm going to spend the entire day with Jeffrey Dean Morgan. And then we go off hand in hand and have cheeseburgers and fall in love and he forgets all about What's Her Name and we live happily ever after.

AC: (Who has managed to prepare her dinner, eat it, clean up the kitchen, play with Bosco, and finish a huge reproduction sampler she's been stitching while her stupid sister blathers on). Uh-hm. OK, Aunt CJ. You have a good night now. Is Stewey there?

STEWEY: Hello, Aunt Chrissy? This is Stewey.

AC: Hi, Stewey. Go get the dart gun.

STEWEY: OK, Aunt Chrissy.

AC: I'll be waiting in the driveway.

OK, that's enough of our little Masterpiece Theatre for now. Suffice it to say that I'm headed for my fort under the bed for the duration, and that my silly mo-ther will probably NOT be cleaning the kitchen (like she's supposed to be).

Here's her progress on Aquamarine:
Happy Weekend to all! I hope that wherever you are is exactly where you want to be!

With love from your pal,

Oh, and a big fat P.S. I just saw a report about the new feud between Anthony Bourdain and Miss Paula Deen. Now, while I certainly can appreciate her propensity for Southern flair and her ability to accessorize, I'm afraid that I must agree with Mosieur Bourdain about the dangerousness of teaching fat Americans how to slather mayonaise, butter, and cream cheese on their corn. I mean, come on, Miss Paula. Would a salad every now and then actually kill us? Besides, if you don't stop teaching my mo-ther how to deep fry everything and then salt salt salt it to within an inch of its very life, she's NEVER going to lose enough weight to be the internationally famous super model that she aspires to be.


  1. LOL! Okay, I have to say I love your blog and Stewie and all...but now I am curious - what reproduction sampler is Aunt Chrissy working on???? Anyone else interested as much as I am??


    Hugs and Love,

  2. My DH and I saw that very same ad this morning, and I turned to him and said: "See how lucky you are that my obsession takes up much less space than those weirdos". He just rolled his eyes. Hey! Mine little piece of heaven only fills the bonus room above the two car garage. Most of the time. Except for the "traveling / working stash" which can be found most everywhere!

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE your Aquamarine absolutely beautiful!

  3. Do you know it's considered bad form to laugh so loud you snort when you work in a cubicle farm?

    Just wondering if you knew that, because I might get fired for doing it and it will all be your fault.

  4. I hope Mo-ther gets to stitch that last little bit of Aquamarine before you tranq her, Stewey!

  5. I agree with you - I like Paula Deen but husband and I always wait for the stick of butter to appear. ( Not that we eat very healthy but it's funny ). Your aquamarine piece is just gorgeous Coni. You are making me feel out of it..first I had to look up Bradley Cooper and now Jeffrey Dean Morgan whom I don't know.

    I just keep tabs on Johnny Depp.... :)

  6. OK, who is Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Looks like Jeanne and I are out of the loop on this one. As always, your stitching is impeccable.

  7. Common'girls... Denny Duquette on Grey's Anatomy!! Hubba hubba. I'm just saying. I totally understand Mo-ther's obsession.

  8. Holy Crap!!! JDM IS a hunk! Sigh....if only I were thirty years younger. boohooooooo. Now I know why you are lusting after him.

  9. The only salad I've ever seen Paula Deen make involved crackers (saltines), tomatoes, scallions, hard boiled eggs and mayonnaise. Salad? Seriously?

  10. Damn...I'm going to have to start wearing a Depends when I read your posts...I very nearly wet myself laughing over this one! You two are absolutely hilarious...and yes, you do deserve your on TV show...I'd damn sure watch it!!

    P.S. Stewy & AC, hang in there dears...
    P.S.S. Love Aquamarine...lovely piece of work...JDM, not too bad either, LOL!

  11. have you seen JDM in Supernatural? I keep hoping he comes back ...

  12. Oh, Thank Goodness. You have a crush on an actual person and not that damn scarecrow Rusty again! I almost fell over in relief after reading the first paragraph.

    You'd pee on the drapes if JDM ever showed up at your door (or on Dr. Phil).

    Aquamarine is beautiful.

  13. Love, love, love all the drama. You are more addictive than my soap opera. ;) Your Aquamarine is breathtaking. Well-done! Hugs & ear rubs to Stewey. Cathryn

  14. Well, I love Aquamarine and this post is one of the best yet. My DH is looking at me wondering why I am laughing so much, it is bedtime and if I dream about JDM I will blame you.
    Poor Stewey, though he and AC should be thankful that Mo-ther has such a vivid imagination. If Mo-ther had her own TeeVee show, Stewey would become a Superstar as well as Mo-ther.
    Now there's a thought!!!

  15. Well, thanks for the lovely eye candy photo... but after your last post I went and googled him. Definitely fine.

    I would love to see a show about your obsessions!

  16. Coni, you and Stewey are freakin hilarious... I lmao everytime I read your post. Its gotten to where I can't read them at work because I laugh till I have tears in my eyes. Its hard to file cases that way!! Anyways you aquamarine is gorgeous. Hope you get all your dreaming of.... Hello to Stewey and Aunt C. Until next time...

  17. I love your blog, Stewey, and your precious Aunty Chrissy! You had me today at 'get the blow gun' it! Love your witty style and story telling! Keep it coming and somebody's going to approach you about a book! Thanks for sharing and, as always, I'm looking forward to tuning in next time!
    p.s. omg, your stitching is amazing, too! Love!

  18. JDM looks like Robert Downey Jr. on steroids! I've been spending time reading your blog from the very beginning and I have to say that I've found myself LOL! My cats look at me like I grew another head! I'm like Jeanne-it's all about Johnny Depp!

    And Stewey, I'm with you on the dolls. One or two don't freak me out, but a whole roomful do!

  19. Ohh, my heart grieves me!! Don't your followers watch Grey's Anatomy?!! Does the name Denny Duquette ring a bell? Oh boyee...anyway, thanks for the eye candy in both man-type and stitchy-type! Aquamarine is looking beautiful!!

  20. People don't know who JDM is???? Don't they watch Supernatural? Haven't the seen the infamous Watchmen? They don't know what they are missing.